I had to cancel my session last Thursday - I was way too depressed and messed up by my husband leaving. I couldn't even make myself anything to eat, let alone face my greatest fear! My therapist seemed understanding though, if a little disappointed.

Since my husband left I've been really... I feel like I'm going backwards. My husband has been my greatest support and source of courage since I started CBT. He's been here to hold my hand when I've cried and felt like it was too much and now I just feel... sort of deflated. I've messed up my sleeping schedule completely. I fall asleep around 8 am and wake up 12 hours later. Right now I'm trying to put it right - I spent the night cleaning my apartment and the morning doing laundry and I'm fiiighting right now to stay awake as long as I can. It's 2.30pm and I want to stay awake until at least 5pm but I am not sure I'll make it that long.

But what I'm most bothered by is how I've been letting my anxiety rule over me again. I've had a REALLY hard time eating and that is rare for me, though a huge HUGE red flag. A few years ago I dropped to about 115 pounds on my 5'8 frame because I was so afraid of eating. It was really hard to start eating again because not only was I afraid but I had just almost died from an illness so everything I put in my stomach made me cramp so much I would just sit and sweat for an hour afterwards in the most unbelievable pain. It was hard to start eating again, one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

But I am just trying to boost myself up by remembering this is not a good time. My husband just left this week, and he had surgery which was really hard on him so I've been worried and anxious about that (he threw up from the first pain medication he was on and of course I was really anxious that I would be sick aswell - even though he is an ocean away) . And Christmas is coming up and that is always a high anxiety time. With my sleeping schedule messed up I'm feeling guilty over that and feeling more anxious about everything.

And again I forget the good things I've done this week. I took the bus all the way to the airport and even though I was scared, I did it. I cleaned my apartment even though I have this really weird fear that if I have a really clean apartment, or if I move furniture around or (this one especially for some reason) I put a rug down somewhere new it will make sick. I've done all these things this week.

I really need to find a way to change my mindset so I stop forgetting and disregarding the things I did to and only look at the things I didn't do. Does anyone have any tips for this? It's a huge issue in every part of my life and really fucks me up sometimes.

I've also got it in my head that sleeping at night is dangerous because one of my greatest hangups with my emetophobia is waking up in the middle of the night to be sick. So I've been staying awake all night and obsessing and sleep during the day. But now I just feel afraid all the time - no time feels safe and I am convinced that the sleep schedule itself is making me afraid of sleeping.