A little update:

My next session in on Thursday. On Tuesday my husband leaves to go to America for few months to get surgery for his arthritic ankles. I'm feeling a lot of general anxiety along with the usual emetophobic anxiety. I'm scared because I don't know what's going to happen when I have an anxiety or full-on panic attack and my husband isn't there to hold my hand and breathe with me. I've found lately that that really helps me - before I was too afraid to tell him I was anxious because I was afraid it would curse me and make it actually happen. Now I tell him how I feel and what I'm afraid of and why and it really helps me bring my anxiety down. It sort of removes the thoughts from spinning internally and releases them.

I'm also really nervous about the trip to the airport. We have to take the bus really early to the train, and then train to the airport. The bus ride is about an hour long. I feel absolutely terrified about it. Last year when he went we took the same bus ride and I had a really bad anxiety attack on the bus which lasted pretty much the whole trip. But this year I have a secret weapon - anti-nausea chewing gum. My mum bought them this summer when we all went on a little cruise. Whenever I feel really anxious about the bus ride I just remember that crutch (which I am sure my therapist will be annoyed that I used haha) and I feel better.

I'm afraid I'll get noro at the airport. When our cat Lilly flew in from America my husband got sick at the airport. Really sick. We had to spend the night there because Lilly arrived late and there were no trains til morning.... and my husband spent most of that night in the airport bathroom. Airports used to be safe places for me but now they feel 'infected'.

I'm afraid one of us will fall ill before the trip.


Lately, I've been having a really hard time seeing the progress and really feeling despair about how far I have to go and how little way I feel I've made. My husband keeps reminding me that I HAVE come a long way - I talk to him about it, I seek support, I use alco-gel a lot less. I've gone out with him to friends once this week, and today we went to a flea market. I can watch videos of cartoon characters (like Family Guy) and laugh if they vomit, without anxiety. I can watch funny movies that have vomit in them and laugh, but I still feel a little anxiety when I do.

My anxiety levels have also gone down a bit because my husband has really taken onboard how important hand hygiene is. I read pieces of the noro information thread, about how it's easy to avoid noro if you just wash your hands and he was really surprised by it and made a big effort to wash his hands more. Out of the two of us he's the one that gets sick, really (KNOCK ON WOOD) so that's really good.

It's really hard though sometimes because I feel very overwhelmed about the journey ahead. Especially at night when I usually have the worst anxiety. I feel trapped and like it can never change and I truly despair. But I've decided to just trust in the process and my therapist. And my husband keeps reminding me that not one thing that I've set my mind to have I failed, ever. He says he's seen me set goals and secretly he's thought "Oh God, she'll never be able to do all of that!" and then watched me succeed. I really want to keep that streak, especially with this particular goal.