My CBT journey

[Avath]

It's been a while since I updated. I've been doing A LOT of soul searching and some really hard CBT work. Thinking about it is making me a bit teary eyed because this journey is so amazing. I'm learning so much.

I finally had another CBT appointment last week and I was really nervous and dreading it. I felt like I hadn't made enough progress to please my therapist. I went and we talked for a bit and then he said something that shocked me: "Are you even afraid of anything, anymore?" I was caught off guard. I realized the things we decided that I should work on... they didn't scare me anymore - well, sometimes I still get nervous when I do those things but the fear never stops me anymore - I don't even hesitate. I know it's just fear now. I had to take a minute to think of things that I'm still hung up on. We made a new list of some of my bigger hang ups, things I've been afraid to mention before. Like going for a swim at the public pool. I'm afraid of germs in the water, germs in the changing rooms, germs in the shower. I'm afraid that I'll somehow be sick if I swim because of the exercise (which is ridiculous because I used to be a competitive swimmer, and I swam HARD and nothing even close to that happened).

My therapist said he's really happy with the progress I've made and he was just showering me with praise and motivation. I left feeling really, really ready for the next bit. I left feeling like I'd done a good job. On the way home I started thinking about how I'm so unable to feel like I'm good enough, and my mind wandered about in different thoughts and I started thinking about how throwing up isn't my only fear.

Let me explain. After new years (which was AWFUL I had SO much anxiety) I started really questioning myself. WHY do I feel this way? And I started really watching my thoughts, and I identified some patterns.

First, I realized that for over a decade I've been self mutilating - for many years I cut myself, and now I go through phases where I starve myself for no other reason than to feel hungry. I've always felt like I needed to be punished. And in my mind there was no worse punishment than throwing up. So I started to expect it.

So, I came to the conclusion that my emetophobia isn't the disease, it's a symptom. Besides my strange self punishment, I am wary of everything. Then a thought hit me that has literally changed my life and made fighting this thing so much easier: I always expect something to go wrong. I do it with everything. I'm afraid to go out in the winter not only because of noro - I'm convinced that I go out enough times I will fall and hurt myself on the ice. Things like that.

I realised I have some very strange OCD thoughts. Like; I can't play a videogame and watch a movie in the same day because it's too much fun for one day. I feel very uncomfortable going out, coming home and then going out again in the same day because I feel like I've used up my "outside" ticket of the day. I challenged those. I played video games then watched a movie and then I played video games again! If I got an urge to do something that I would normally talk myself out of I did it. It's been so much fun.

I've been doing a meditation every evening and sometimes in the morning that I found on youtube. They use the mantra "everything is absolutely okay right now" - and I tell myself that everytime I get anxious about if what I just did will lead to me coming down with something. If it happens, it happens but in the meantime I'm going to live. I am starting to learn how to live in the now and not what maybe might possibly happen in the future at some point.

It feels good you guys.

[Ophi]

It's been a while since I updated. I've been doing A LOT of soul searching and some really hard CBT work. Thinking about it is making me a bit teary eyed because this journey is so amazing. I'm learning so much.

I finally had another CBT appointment last week and I was really nervous and dreading it. I felt like I hadn't made enough progress to please my therapist. I went and we talked for a bit and then he said something that shocked me: "Are you even afraid of anything, anymore?" I was caught off guard. I realized the things we decided that I should work on... they didn't scare me anymore - well, sometimes I still get nervous when I do those things but the fear never stops me anymore - I don't even hesitate. I know it's just fear now. I had to take a minute to think of things that I'm still hung up on. We made a new list of some of my bigger hang ups, things I've been afraid to mention before. Like going for a swim at the public pool. I'm afraid of germs in the water, germs in the changing rooms, germs in the shower. I'm afraid that I'll somehow be sick if I swim because of the exercise (which is ridiculous because I used to be a competitive swimmer, and I swam HARD and nothing even close to that happened).

My therapist said he's really happy with the progress I've made and he was just showering me with praise and motivation. I left feeling really, really ready for the next bit. I left feeling like I'd done a good job. On the way home I started thinking about how I'm so unable to feel like I'm good enough, and my mind wandered about in different thoughts and I started thinking about how throwing up isn't my only fear.

Let me explain. After new years (which was AWFUL I had SO much anxiety) I started really questioning myself. WHY do I feel this way? And I started really watching my thoughts, and I identified some patterns.

First, I realized that for over a decade I've been self mutilating - for many years I cut myself, and now I go through phases where I starve myself for no other reason than to feel hungry. I've always felt like I needed to be punished. And in my mind there was no worse punishment than throwing up. So I started to expect it.

So, I came to the conclusion that my emetophobia isn't the disease, it's a symptom. Besides my strange self punishment, I am wary of everything. Then a thought hit me that has literally changed my life and made fighting this thing so much easier: I always expect something to go wrong. I do it with everything. I'm afraid to go out in the winter not only because of noro - I'm convinced that I go out enough times I will fall and hurt myself on the ice. Things like that.

I realised I have some very strange OCD thoughts. Like; I can't play a videogame and watch a movie in the same day because it's too much fun for one day. I feel very uncomfortable going out, coming home and then going out again in the same day because I feel like I've used up my "outside" ticket of the day. I challenged those. I played video games then watched a movie and then I played video games again! If I got an urge to do something that I would normally talk myself out of I did it. It's been so much fun.

I've been doing a meditation every evening and sometimes in the morning that I found on youtube. They use the mantra "everything is absolutely okay right now" - and I tell myself that everytime I get anxious about if what I just did will lead to me coming down with something. If it happens, it happens but in the meantime I'm going to live. I am starting to learn how to live in the now and not what maybe might possibly happen in the future at some point.

It feels good you guys.

I was actually reading your posts and thinking "I think Avath may have OCD" ahaa

[Ophi]

Ahhhh I just read the rest of the whole thing and it's so great. To go from such severity to nothing is incredible. I'm so happy for you! This thread can be a constant reminder that we can all do this <3

[Missviviemaeh]

I have just found out this evening that my fear has a name! I found this site, which excites me! But, as I read through these posts I see that it's more focused on you yourself vomitting. My fear is mainly on others around me vomitting. Don't get me wrong; I do fear of myself coming down with the Norovirus or being exposed to the germs, but I fear that I will get sick which will lead to everyone in my household coming down with it. Is anyone else mainly afraid of others vomitting or is it just me?

[Izzyryancool]

I have just found out this evening that my fear has a name! I found this site, which excites me! But, as I read through these posts I see that it's more focused on you yourself vomitting. My fear is mainly on others around me vomitting. Don't get me wrong; I do fear of myself coming down with the Norovirus or being exposed to the germs, but I fear that I will get sick which will lead to everyone in my household coming down with it. Is anyone else mainly afraid of others vomitting or is it just me?

I also deal with the fear of others vomitting. I mainly worry about being with sick kids or adults and I will not be in situations where intoxicated people are around me. I fear that I will see them vomit. I have also learned how to not vomit when I feel bad using medicine, supplements and peppermint. I recently noticed that I fear more when in public with my kids. I worry of n* and v* with them.