Hey guys!

I just started CBT and I thought I would share my journey and treatment here. Perhaps it'll be inspirational or give you tips on how to lessen your fear.

I first called for help in January 2009, but because of long waiting lists I only just started a couple weeks ago. The first session was basically just getting to know me a bit better, asking me what exactly my fear is - When I started thinking about it, it turns out that I am more afraid of the waiting, and the horror right before the actual 'deed'. I've thrown up before, and really it wasn't all that bad. It happened, and then it was over and it made me feel better. But still, I am afraid it will happen in less controlled form (which I feel would be the noro virus, as I only remember having food poisoning).

My CBT therapist explained the reactions in the body during a phobia, which I already knew about, and quizzed me on it to make sure I understood. He then asked a little about my childhood, where I think it came from, and what my life is like now. He pinpointed some stressors (my relationship with my husband is difficult at the moment) and said that if I don't resolve these then I will have a very hard time bringing my general anxiety level down. And if I don't do that it will hurt my recovery.

He then gave me a worksheets. The first one asked me to list all the things that is making me unhappy in my life. It was a long list. I suffer from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) from.... things in my childhood, aswell as depression. I also wrote that I have no friends anymore, that I easily get hideously overwhelmed and have to stay in bed for days to recover, and that my relationship with my family, while loving, is not very genuine. I've always protected them from everything that I could - from my depressions, and from eachother.

The next few sheets were the same - a page that I was to write down situations where I felt anxiety - for example after eating - and how it made me feel - scared, anxious, annoyed - my reaction and behaviour during the situation - Panic, I freeze up and don't want to move, I try to distract myself by going on the internet - and my automatic negative thought pattern - "I'm going to get food poisoning. I've avoided it for a long time, it's due to me now. It's going to happen, it's inevitable. I have it coming. It's happening now!!!"

He asked me to write a couple down during the week between our sessions.

The next session, which was a few days ago, he probed a little more in my stressors and tried to get me excited about facing them and resolving them. It actually helped. I feel determined.

Then he played a little 'joke' on me. Boy was I mad. He said that in the treatment I might have to drink a vomitting syrup, and have my husband drink it to. You drink a cup of it and you feel sick for about 15 min and then you throw up for 15 min and then you're a little bit queasy, but fine. He said that today was the day to do that. He said he had timed our session perfectly so I would have time to drink the syrup and face the consequences of it. I paniced. I could hear the blood rushing in my ears, and everything suddenly felt very far away and I had a hard time focusing my eyes on anything. I instantly felt nauseaos. And I just started laughing nervously and saying "no. no. no. I don't think so. No." and he asked what was going on in my mind, what I was thinking. I said that I was thinking about what I had for breakfast. I had an egg. I just recently started eating eggs again after many years of being afraid of them because I thought they were going to make me sick. I told him that I thought if I threw up egg now it would be disasterous. He said I had 2.5 min to decide on what to do. I told him I couldn't do it. I wanted to, but I just couldn't do it. Turns out he was just testing me to see how I would react, to see where in my phobia I am.

For next weeks session he's asked me to write down a list of things I am afraid of doing or avoid. He wants me to list them from 1-10, 1 being low level fear and 10 being complete panic. He wants me to start doing the low level things that I am scared of. I'm having a hard time thinking of these things. I think partly because of my PTSD (I often automatically block unpleasant thoughts or feelings and it's very hard to push through the block) but also because it's so overwhelming because there is so much. I don't know what is considered 'normal' behaviour and what is part of my phobia.

My next session is on Tuesday. I am both dreading and looking forward to it.