Hey guys!

I had another CBT appointment today. As usual I made myself quite anxious worrying about not having done enough to please my therapist... and as usual he seemed really pleased with my progress and a bit surprised that I've done well. SO motivating!

Today it's been 11 days since I got rid of my hand sanitizers. I found one this morning hiding behind some things on my kitchen table so I brought it with me to the session and gave it to my therapist - and he threw it in the bin quite happily!

Tomorrow is the third anniversary of my dad's death so my stress levels have been way up this week - dreaming of him at night, bursting into tears during the day, and just generally anxious. We started talking about my dad and my conflicted feelings about him and how my PTSD from my childhood is affecting me still... man it was hard. It's so hard, you guys. I am so confused about my father and my mother and the entire family dynamic from that time. I was never safe, I was never in control of anything, I always HAD to expect the worst because most of the time the worst happened. So I created something I can control. I can control not going out, I can control washing my hands, I can control my food. I'm slowly starting to realise that that lack of control and safety I felt then isn't true in my life NOW. This is so huge for me as my brain on PTSD constantly thinks the trauma is still happening. I'm starting to really understand that it's not. I'm in charge now, nobody is hurting me, I am safe. There is nothing that is so scary that I can't stand up to it because I'm an adult now and I have a voice that I didn't have when I was a kid. It really feels good to talk about my PTSD and all the things that still are so hard for me to talk about. I grimace my way through the subjects.

I know CBT is a lot about just doing things to make particular fears go away but as I have all these issues on the side I really appreciate that my therapist really understands that it's important to me to go through them aswell because it's all so knotted together that I don't know which is which. I'm so controlling and OCD and it's not just with my emetophobia - it's with everything.

And I really appreciate my therapist for being so frank with me. He says things that are almost borderline rude but are true and he really makes me face them; example, today we were talking about how my mother has some major bitterness issues and how I'm pulled into them and it sucks my energy, and he said "How does it feel to have no support from your family?" and instantly I started crying - because that is something I feel but I've never said aloud. And I told him I don't know how I got to be so alone in life. Crappy, heavy stuff.

More focused on treatment - My new homework is to continue to challenge ALL my fears not just the emetophobia ones. I'm to avoid taking the same routes when I go to the gym, for example. Watch a movie AND play video games if that's what I want to do in a day. Basically, just doing more fun stuff every day and gradually becoming less afraid of 'consequences' of being happy. Also, more emetophobia focused, I'm going to run at the gym every other day for at least 20 min (interval training) so I get rid of my fear of throwing up while doing cardio.

Yesterday I was feeling hopeless, like I was getting anywhere. I am so glad that I have CBT to give me a boost every other week.

I can do this!!!!