Today was my third CBT session. I feel like the work is really starting now and it's a bit frightening and just the though is pretty exhausting. But I know that I have no other choice at this point. Why live like this when I can choose not to, when I can fight to change it? It's scary right now but it's worth it because in the end I can trade it in for a fear free life.

We decided on four things for me to do that I'm afraid of. I have to do three of these things every day, and the other one once or twice. We picked one easy, one medium, one medium/hard, and one hard.

The easy one is to go for a walk every day when it's dark. I am afraid of snow and dark because I associate that with noro. So everyday at 8pm I am going for a walk. I am not allowed to bring my mp3 player or distract myself from the anxiety. The point is to feel the anxiety, and keep walking until the anxiety goes away and I learn that walking in the snow and dark isn't dangerous.

The medium one is to keep the bathroom door open all the time. From the couch, where I usually sit, I can see straight into the bathroom if the door is open. Seeing the toilet gives me mad anxiety because, once again, I associate it to being sick.

The medium/hard one is to sit down every day and watch a movie. I am afraid to sit and relax when I watch a movie because I am convinced that if I relax I will get sick. I bought a Bruce Lee box many years ago but only got through the first half of one movie because I had a really intense panic attack, then I never dared to watch it again. I am going to watch one of those movies every day. I am not allowed to pause, I am not allowed to leave the room. Even if I feel awful I am to sit it through.

The hard one is to go to a cafe that I don't feel safe in and eat there. I may not sit in the corners of the cafe but must choose a table in the middle. I may only wash my hands once, and I may not use hand sanitizer.

During all of these things I have to be in the moment. I'm not allowed to distract myself from the feeling. I have to face what I'm afraid of and see that it's nothing to be afraid of. It's going to be hard at first and I might REALLY want to quit but he said call me if that happens and he will talk me back into it. I'm nervous. I'm anxious. But I am ready.