My CBT journey

[ashmg1984]

I just started CBT yesterday and am terrified. My therapist gave me homework to listen to 5 minutes of v* sounds per day until I see him next week. The hard part about this is finding the sounds. Has anyone else every started with this? He recommended I look for apps for my smartphone. The more and more I think about what else I will have to do as part of my exposure therapy, the more frightened I get. I broke down in bed last night bawling because I don't think I can do this (thankfully my loving husband is extremely comforting and supportive). I have come to the realization that I have never actually seen a person v* and now, I will have to see it quite frequently as part of my therapy. I am feeling angry about my fear and have been having urges to send an e-mail to my therapist to say I won't be able to go through with this. But I have been dealing with this fear for 20+ years (I am 27) and I am sick of it. It is so debilitating and no one understands what it is like to feel so closed off and afraid.

I am afraid I won't have the courage to go through the therapy...but if I don't, I will continue to be miserable and scared. I feel very conflicted.

[nagteam]

I just started CBT yesterday and am terrified. My therapist gave me homework to listen to 5 minutes of v* sounds per day until I see him next week. The hard part about this is finding the sounds. Has anyone else every started with this? He recommended I look for apps for my smartphone. The more and more I think about what else I will have to do as part of my exposure therapy, the more frightened I get. I broke down in bed last night bawling because I don't think I can do this (thankfully my loving husband is extremely comforting and supportive). I have come to the realization that I have never actually seen a person v* and now, I will have to see it quite frequently as part of my therapy. I am feeling angry about my fear and have been having urges to send an e-mail to my therapist to say I won't be able to go through with this. But I have been dealing with this fear for 20+ years (I am 27) and I am sick of it. It is so debilitating and no one understands what it is like to feel so closed off and afraid.

I am afraid I won't have the courage to go through the therapy...but if I don't, I will continue to be miserable and scared. I feel very conflicted.

Your therapist does not sound like much help there. Exposure Therapy is based on the following principles:
- Graded (step by step, starting at step 1 and not jumping to step 4 etc)
- Repeated (for example, 3 times a week or 3 times a day)...
- Time Specific e.g. half hour
- Without distraction - not using your ipod/watching tv/reading a book or holding your best friends hand while doing the exercises...

all this... until your anxiety reduces to less than 40% per stage... so its good to document/record it... say you started looking at photo 1... and you were 90% anxious before the exercise, you were 70% during the exercise and then 72% after the exercise.. repeat repeat repeat until you end with 40% or less... and it can take time but you define the pace...

You set the pace and define what you are comfortable with. If you don't want to start with sounds then you can start with photos. If you feel okay starting with sounds then start off with some silly sounds or short sounds. This is a fantastic resource, search for emetophobia resource org.


Look at Exposure 1-12 at the top bar. The whole site is great so have a look see. It is mentioned in this forum at several points so it's not like I am recommending something private/not recognized by these users. Any questions then feel free to post back.

The aim of the game is to watch/listen until you are bored. Sometimes there is a push from the therapist as you have a number of sessions to do it within etc.

[herbal]

Nice work! I'm in therapy currently but not really doing exposure. Hope all is well

[pqdq94]

My daughter is in CBT therapy and her therapist started with the writing of the words as much as she could. The
next meeting they said the words verbally and the last one they watched cats/dogs V**. She has her next appointment
tomorrow and she keeps telling me "I'm not going.....sorry Mom". She will go.....it is just scary and causes anxiety. But,
her therapist said that she does well in the session. I am hoping that this is the right thing for her....so hard to know if
you are doing the right thing.

[Avath]

Hello!!!

I came to check in =) and to tell you things concerning my emetophobia are great!

In the past three weeks I have thrown up twice - and you know what? It was not a big deal at all. In fact, it wasn't a deal at all. It was just an occurrence. After the first time I was HIGH on the experience. WOW! It happened, I did it, I wasn't scared. It was fine! The second time was yesterday - I hit my head and got a concussion. Again - I knew it was going to happen and... I didn't get as much as an increased heart rate.

It's amazing. It's so amazing. Sometimes I can't believe this is me now. I was SO sick with emetophobia. I was so ruled, so held back, so.... it was like how people describe an eating disorder: the eating disorder is a whole other person inside you that rules you and you are so small and weak and you follow, and you follow gladly because you are so scared. My emetophobia was king of my universe. Now I am king, queen, princess, court jester... I promise all of you who are struggling with it: IT IS WORTH IT. IT IS WORTH IT. Don't give up. It is truly an irrational fear. I know how deadly even the thought of it feels when you are deep in the emetophobia - but there is nothing worse than the panic, the constant anxiety, the stiff routines, the joyless existence. It is so much better on this side. You all can do it.

I now treat my emetophobia like a chronic disorder - I check myself before I wreck myself haha. I sometimes still catch myself with little emetophobia tics, and I stop myself and do the opposite. But it's just little habits, things I did for so many years that they just happen. Just chipping away the last remnants, really.

I started nursing school last fall, and one of my biggest fears when I started was that I would have to do the 5 weeks of work experience we had in term 2 in a different city where I would have to travel on the bus everyday. I cried in terror when I saw where I had been placed. A 40 minute bus ride away. Every single day for 5 weeks. In February/March. And I know all of you know the significance of those months. You know what? I don't know what I worried about now. Every morning at 6 am I would get on the bus with my travel cup of tea and nap the whole way there, and at 5pm I would nap on the way home. Not once that whole period did I ever have anxiety or panic at night over the possibility that I may have picked up something at work. I didn't even have anxiety at a practical lesson in school when the teacher used me as her example for how to brush someone else's teeth and put her fingers in my mouth without using gloves.

I would do CBT a thousand times over to live this life. I wish I could find the right words to stress to you that any discomfort experienced when facing the emetophobia is worth it a million times. Emetophobics are so strong. Living with such a deep fear and not going completely crazy is a showing of incredible strength. Direct that strength toward beating the emetophobia! Just a month of hard work at it makes such a huge, huge difference. I don't know if I ever posted this video, but this video I credit so much of my recovery to. It taught me to be "in the moment" and not rush in to the future of the what ifs and maybes. One time I was listening and I was at the part where he says "everything is okay right now." I GOT IT and tears just started falling because it was such a relief. I mean, I logically understood the value of being in the moment, but it was as if something clicked in me that allowed me to emotionally get there as well. At first I could be in the moment for maybe a minute before the anxiety came back... then increasingly longer and longer times. I listened to it every time I would have a panic attack, as many times as it took for me to calm down (I would get several panic attacks a day! Once it took three hours of listening to truly calm down haha, but I felt that was sort of a breaking point. A show down. After that I improved a lot because I wouldn't back down). Then, before I could really wrap my mind around it, I could say to myself "everything is okay right now" when I felt anxious and it would calm me. Go on, give it a listen! http://www.kewego.it/video/iLyROoafM687.html

I hope I don't sound grossly, annoyingly enthusiastic but the joy I feel when I think about what emetophobia was to me then and what it is now is kind of hard for me to contain.

[crimson_petrichor]

I'm about to start CBT on Tuesday. And I'm actually quite excited after reading this thread, I'm hopeful that I can overcome this fear and start living my life and not be making excuses not to do things anymore .

[punchbuggy]

Whenever I have doubts about overcoming emetophobia I always read this and it gives me hope. I am so thankful for this thread

[Tonster]

Oh my goodness, after reading your forum here, I had to join and reply I am suffering anxiety and have just read through the norovirus link. I was so worried because I was at a funeral yesterday and someone I had shaken hands with and then hugged/kiss on check had to go home shorty afterwards as they were very ill. I have been so scared for myself and my diabetic husband since - but now will be a bit calmer for the next 48hrs, after reading the link. Thank you so much. I just hope I washed my hands enough!

[Sicky-Ricky]

This is such a great story to read this thread, very inspiring.

[sarahsarah]

hi sorry to hear about tht it soundsary heart trembling and scary i have tryed cbt and nothing works on me i am currently taking hypnotherapy and it really help calms me dpwn but i am so scared tht i will never be cured....

[hannahlucyx]

This post is so inspiring and reassuring, thank you! I can relate to so many feelings you've written about and I am waiting to hear back from the therapist I have been referred to so I can start my CBT
The part about the 'vomiting syrup' though! No thank you! I like to think I'd do it but that doesn't seem likely haha!

[Avath]

Hi!

It's been a few years since I posted. I can tell you I'm still "in remission". I'm a nurse now and I deal with both poop daily and vomit frequently and it doesn't bother me at all beside the realm of "normal". I mean, it's not pleasant but it's not so unpleasant that it controls how I act. If I've been with a sick patient during the day, I don't think about it all when I go home.

Every now and then I feel “the fear” but I don’t let it take over. I sit down and have a real think about what in my life that’s making me anxious. I believe that I’m still kind of wired to go to emetophobic thoughts if I don’t direct my anxieties to where they’re actually from. This happens less and less, though.
I look back at how I lived – never going out in case I would catch something, counting hours from when I ate to see if I got food poisoning “this time”, insomnia because I was so afraid, the constant all-consuming anxiety and quite literally wanting to die because I couldn’t stand living like that – and I feel so sorry for past me and I feel very bad for all those who still struggle with phobias.
I just wanted you all to know that it’s completely possible to go from really bad phobia to being “normal” and for it to stick. CBT was hard work and it kicked my ass but the short time it took still astounds me. It’s worth confronting your fears and being very scared for a little while to never be that type of scared again.
I went to university. I travel a lot. I work in a hospital. I eat what I want. I never thought I could do any of that but I can. And from the bottom of my heart I believe that every single one of you can too.

I am happy and I do what I want without fear. Anything that happens, I can handle and it’s not forever. It’s going to be okay.

Does anyone have any questions or something I could answer?

[Boyke84]

Hi!

It's been a few years since I posted. I can tell you I'm still "in remission". I'm a nurse now and I deal with both poop daily and vomit frequently and it doesn't bother me at all beside the realm of "normal". I mean, it's not pleasant but it's not so unpleasant that it controls how I act. If I've been with a sick patient during the day, I don't think about it all when I go home.

Every now and then I feel “the fear” but I don’t let it take over. I sit down and have a real think about what in my life that’s making me anxious. I believe that I’m still kind of wired to go to emetophobic thoughts if I don’t direct my anxieties to where they’re actually from. This happens less and less, though.
I look back at how I lived – never going out in case I would catch something, counting hours from when I ate to see if I got food poisoning “this time”, insomnia because I was so afraid, the constant all-consuming anxiety and quite literally wanting to die because I couldn’t stand living like that – and I feel so sorry for past me and I feel very bad for all those who still struggle with phobias.
I just wanted you all to know that it’s completely possible to go from really bad phobia to being “normal” and for it to stick. CBT was hard work and it kicked my ass but the short time it took still astounds me. It’s worth confronting your fears and being very scared for a little while to never be that type of scared again.
I went to university. I travel a lot. I work in a hospital. I eat what I want. I never thought I could do any of that but I can. And from the bottom of my heart I believe that every single one of you can too.

I am happy and I do what I want without fear. Anything that happens, I can handle and it’s not forever. It’s going to be okay.

Does anyone have any questions or something I could answer?

Did your CBT involve inducing a dizzy action like spinning you in a chair? or any sort of activity that makes you feel n*?

[AZCH]

Thank you for the update, Avath, this is so inspiring. I have done a lot of CBT and exposure therapy and have come a long way myself, but I still don't feel recovered mainly because I still panic if I think I am going to v*. I've gotten a lot better at handling nausea but if it gets bad enough I still panic. What did the last steps in recovery look like for you? Have you been sick since you've been in remission? I want so badly to be done with this phobia and I know I can be, because I've seen a lot of changes in myself. Congratulations!

[punchbuggy]

Avath, just seeing your update and it's so refreshing to read that. Over the years I have visited your thread often. I too believe that it is possible to go from very bad phobic to a enjoyable life! I am so happy for you.

[deeendnamtoe]

This thread made me cry. I'm going to start CBT soon, hopefully sooner rather than later (financial reasons...). I just relate so much. I've been diagnosed PTSD, rough childhood with emotionally unavailable parents. My father passed last year. I never felt good enough and I totally relate to feeling like I have to punish myself, or that I'm seriously not allowed to be happy. You have really given me inspiration to move forward. Thank you.

[Rinkosparrow]

I just found this page last night. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. It gives me hope, and it gives everyone else hope too, that we can overcome this. I'm on a waitlist for seeing a therapist right now who deals with emetophobia. I've had this phobia for 10-11 years. I have a few questions for you:

1) How important do you think your relationship with your therapist was in dealing with this phobia? Obviously I know it's a good idea to have a therapist that you work well with, who knows what you're going through and can help you. Do you think that if you had another therapist, you would have made the same amount of progress?

2) Was it scary doing some of the CBT work? Do you think it still helps you to this day, or is it more like- you just don't have the fear anymore, it's been healed?

Hmm...I had some more questions but I don't remember at the moment lol

[Feroz]

thanks for sharing!!

[mkem47]

My emetophobia came out of nowhere last summer and has been getting worse ever since. Please note that in this time, though, I have not thrown up no matter how many times I was fully convinced it was my time. For some reason it gets the worst at night. My nightly routine consists of taking unnecessary medicine because "maybe it's reflux" or "maybe it's food poisoning" or "maybe I'm dying". And then I lay in bed and research the symptoms that are occurring to see if I'm going to throw up. This then leads to me passing out with my phone in my hand at 3am, waking up and having to lead another exhausting day of worry. I really want to get treated because my fear haunts me day and night. I can't escape the thought of "what if..." and it kills me! I'm scared that if I go seek professional help that I'm going to be forced to do exposure therapy- something I'm certainly not willing to undergo at the moment. I need help because I'm not sure what to do or how to approach my problem. Everyone thinks I'm so ridiculous, so I'm not sure how to go about curing this fear of mine. Any thoughts help! Thanks!

[plarsson]

Thanks for sharing. It is very interesting to read the perspective of someone using CBT.

[Ashleyj14]

Thanks for sharing about your recovery!!! Soon I hope to find treatment in the upcoming new year