New, but here is my story
Hi everyone
My name is Becky, im 34 and I have a partner and three kids of 12, 9 and 2.
I have lived with emet since I was probably about 5. Even then I can remember pacing about and carrying out rituals of OCD to avoid anything to do with puking.
Ive gone from being almost housebound due to fear of seeing vomit in the streets, to being able to cope with that at present. Ive no idea how that happened but my fear is mainly now with being sick myself. I recently managed to go back to work and found a job in Waitrose. Although it has had its problems with panic attacks on tills. I have it pretty well under control and have supervisors to help me.
Ive never drank alcohol or been drunk, never taken drugs and turned strict vegetarian when in my teens. Ive never flown abroad, or been abroad on a boat or in a car. I live pretty much in a 25 mile radius of home.
When I got pregnant I almost terminated two of my children. My first pregnancy was terrible through nine months I feared I would be sick, but much of it was spent feeling so nauseaus.
Being so scared of childbirth (not for fear of it hurting, just through fear of being sick) I had my first child at home, with NO pain relief for obvious reasons.
When I got pregnant with my second son I was petrified and got so far as going to hospital to terminate. They sent me for a scan and I just knew I couldnt do it after seeing that baby.
Once again I had him at home with NO pain relief for the same reasons.
My third child was a different ball game altogether. I was so nauseus from the minute I fell pregnant and had to take a dive off so many anti depressants for the babies sake. My partner booked me a private termination as I couldnt cope with the feeling sick day in day out.
Luckily my lovely midwife booked me a specialist appointment and told me to see her first then decide. She gave me some great anti sickness pills and I struggled on for nine months feeling wretched but determined to see it through. I so wanted a daughter but it seemed I was due to get every ailment in the pregnancy books. It was so hard that I found my partner had been speaking to another woman. I was like a different person and am not over exaggerating when I say I almost spent nine months in bed.
On the day my baby was due I went to see the specialist and told her I wanted a c section. (I was so petrified but also wanted the nausea to go as by then I had had enough.) She couldnt understand why but because I wasnt allowed a home birth due to the anti depressants It seemed the lesser evil and I would be in control of the labour and not get caught on the hop. She finally admitted me for the next day and I swear I cried from the minute I got home to the minute I eventually had my daughter in my arms. I was a wreck and begged them for something to calm me. All I worried about was being sick, not being cut open or anything, just seeing something to make me sick or me being sick over the operation. The finally gave me something after she was born.
Since then I have lived in fear of being sick. Last year I was sick over a bug and previous to that had not been sick since I was at primary school.
This dictates my life and restricts me in everything. Having kids I know Im affecting their lives too and do my best to hide it from them. Im helpless when the are ill and try my best but feel like I cant help them when they truly need me.
Im currently studying a home course in counselling and have read a few books on CBT which I have now started after a year or so wait. Im not enjoying it, and its probably made worse by the fact I know how its done and so know what is coming each time Im set homework.
But truth is I have to get over this. I cannot see myself like this in another twenty years and feel I have wasted my life fretting over something that has happened so rarely ( I even dont like saying that incase I jinx myself)
Often as others have mentioned, suicide feels the only way out. But I know I could not leave my babies motherless. It just seems in my head the only way I can see there being a difference.
I hope perhaps by writing this post, someone might feel they have something in common with me, or have felt the same at some time. Perhaps by seeing they are not alone with their thoughts may help and I truly hope so.
This site (discovered yesterday) has been like striking upon Gold for me. I hope we can all support each other and help each other with recovery so we can all gain our lives back.
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