Fairly New Here: Sort of Long

[Jen06]

Hello All,
My name is Jennifer and I am fairly new here (recently able to post threads!). I'm 22 years old and have been living as an emet for as long as I can remember. My earliest experience was probably 4 or 5-ish. I used to ALWAYS wake up if my mom was s* in the middle of the night. I'd hear it and dig my fingers into my ears, covering them with my pillow, humming and making any noise to distract from the sounds. It was horrible! My first memory was when I was 4 or 5 and my mom had gotten up and been s*. I heard everything and instantly felt n*. I got up to go to my parents' room and yelled "Mommy!" I heard my mom say, "she's probably going to be s* too..." and I instantly v* all over the hallway floor. I don't have any memories of sexual or physical abuse. My parents were always great to me and never left anything lacking in my childhood. My mom was always kind of "squeemish" when it came to anyone getting s* in front of her. She would often gag and dry heave. I guess I picked up on it. She was never an emet, though. She never feared it. If she felt ill, she just gave in and would get s*. She also has a weak stomach when it comes to blood, guts, and gore also, which I never had. I was a CNA for 5 years and cleaned PLENTY of poopy messes. Never bothered me in the slightest. I rarely had to deal with v* and when I did, I would panic for the rest of the day. Now, I am in college and made a major career change. I'm currently working in an elementary school with preschoolers (3 and 4 year-olds). I've only been working there for two months now and have dealt with v* twice.
I take Paxil for anxiety and it really helps when I take it how I'm supposed to (one tablet per day). If I skip out on more than 2 days (because I often forget to take it), my anxiety is HORRIBLE. I recently had to go to the emergency room because I hadn't taken it in 3 weeks. I was having horrible emet tendencies and was n* constantly everyday, all day long for about 1 week. The night I went to the E.R., I had laid in bed for two days, crying and sobbing for no reason. I had no idea the withdrawl symptoms of anxiety medicine was so intense.
I'm so glad to find that I'm finally not alone. Until about three weeks ago, I had no clue there were even others who suffered from such horrible fears of v*. I'm married and my husband is pretty supportive. He gets frustrated a lot of times, though, because he doesn't understand why it's such a big deal. I told him about this site and that it felt so nice to be able to relate to others who had the same fears as I. He totally supports me in it. I just wish I could make him understand why I get so worked up when I feel the least bit n*. And why I HAVE to be home, away from everyone, including him. I literally go in my room, lock the door, and grab the trashcan and Pepto (just in case). It's frustrating to me too.
We have been married for almost two years and are planning on going to the fertility specialist this spring. I'm scared to death I'll have horrible m.s. and won't be able to deal with it. When I'm terribly n*, I often think to myself, "There's no WAY I can endure a pregnancy. I can't even deal with it NOW...what about then when I have NO control over n*?!" I'm soooo scared and anxious about it. Anyone been thru ms.? How did you deal with it? Did you ever actually v*? And what about labor and delivery? I've heard of SEVERAL women v* during labor and delivery. I'm most scared about this because I'll have no freedom to leave the room to get away from everyone else, and I obviously can't make everyone else leave the room just because I have to v*. Please help! I'm terrified!

[beccabubba]

Hi there just read your thread! Welcome
Well Ive been Emet since I was about 5-6 years old and I have three children now. I too worried the same thoughts about morning sickness. In fact anything else I endured would have been fine just not that.
I did have nausea with my first child but never vomited. I have to say its totally different to an illness because you know there is an end goal so you know you have to get through it. I made the decision to brave on. I had a home birth with my first son as midwives were told of my anxiety (although not about vomiting) they supported me while I had no pain relief (due to fear of vomiting) and I can honestly say I never felt sick during labour once. Possibly because I was limiting my food to little amounts during my due date. I got through fine and I was so proud.
My next son I almost terminated as I didnt want to get morning sickness despite me only having nausea with my first and not actually doing the deed. But I just couldnt do it when I saw him on the scan so I made my decision once again to stick with it. I also feared if I terminated I would never forgive myself, whereas if I vomited I would still have my baby and would probably get over it anyway. Once again I never vomited and had him at home too with the same midwives and chose once again for no pain relief.
My last child was a totally different matter. From the minute I got pregnant I felt awful. Nausea all the time. It got so bad my partner booked me a termination private and I told my midwife. (same as with my last three, she was lovely) she said she wanted me to see a specialist first before I made the decision. So I went to see her and she was great she showed us the baby and gave me some great anti sickness tablets. The tablets did make me tired so I only took a few but it helped knowing if I had to rely on them I could.
I saw my specialist almost weekly while she helped me out with every damn ailment a pregnant woman could get. I literally stayed in bed for nine months over this pregnancy. I was worried about going to hospital too as I couldnt bear to be sick, so I begged them to let me have a third home birth, but because by then I was on anti depressants they said there might be complications with baby. This scared me so much. I knew I was taking so many meds to avoid the sickness and nausea. But once again no matter what I went through, I did not vomit in my third pregnancy. By the end of the pregnancy I was in such a state about having to go to hospital on the hop that I went in to see my specialist on the day after 40 weeks and told her I had made a decision that I wanted to opt for a c section!!!! How crazy is that?????? But to me it was the lesser of evils and I had some control over when it was happening.
So the next day while I cried non stop I laid in theatre holding a piece of paper me and my partner had wrote about how much better I would feel with this baby out. My daughter was born. I was not sick despite my blood pressure dropping. The staff were so good we brought them all bottles of wine.
I wasnt scared of them cutting me or if there would be complications, I was just petrified of puking!
Anyway its all over now and I can honestly say all the nausea was worth it as they are my babies. So with honesty towards your midwives you CAN have children as they will go out of their way to help you.
Hence my partner got his payback as he has now had the snip LOLOLOL

[Jen06]

Hey there.
Glad to hear back from you. Thank you so much for the information. I got married young (18) the first time around and it obviously didn't work out. That still didn't stop me from trying to get pregnant, though. In fact, the only thing I remember being able to tell my mom and dad I wanted to be when I grew up was "a mom." My first husband was verbally and emotionally abusive. Very controlling, manipulative, and possessive. My emet had subsided a little from about 10th grade thru the first year of dating him. The only time I got anxious was if I felt like I was really going to be sick. That first year of marriage, I literally spent lying in bed, trashcan between my knees, pepto and water at my side. I would lock myself in our bedroom...turn the tv up as loud as I could to be reasonable...and lie there the whole night. I wasn't on anxiety meds...and I hadn't been prescribed Phenergan at the time. I was completely what I would call "mentally ill." When I finally left him (about a year and a half later), I was put on Paxil and things REALLY started looking up. I could eat out again. I could go shopping. I could socialize with friends. I could go on short trips (an hour or so)....and I was completely okay...for the most part. It was basically like high school again, as far as my emet went. I didn't get truly anxious unless I was VERY nauseous. I was happy again. Phenergans always seemed to work if I took them when I began to feel a big round of nausea coming on. I met Anthony (my husband now) thru mutual friends and he was an angel. Literally. In between times of leaving my first husband and meeting and then dating Anthony, I attempted suicide twice. I was at the lowest low. I have been unable to conceive for a little over 4 years now...meaning, I haven't been on any type of birth control for that time. We are planning to go to the specialist in March. I would do ANYTHING in this world to have a baby, even if it means throwing up three times a day for nine months. I know in reality that probably will not happen. And even though I'm willing to go thru that, it doesn't mean I'm still not anxious about it. Hopefully I'll be one of the lucky ones with no sickness. :P I doubt that, but a girl can dream, can't she?