There is a light at the end of the tunnel

[heretohelpx]

Hi everyone,

I cannot write here how I overcame it or what treatments worked for me because I didnt have any treatment nor do I know what actually made me better: but what I hope to write here is the sheer difference in me since two years ago and that it is possible for you all to get to this stage: it just takes a perceverance thats all.

Ok, so to paint a picture of how bad I was two years ago I will quickly tell you about one night out of hundreds: I had been awake having non stop panic attacks for over 24 hours, I was sitting down for only 2 minutes at a time before having to get up and go for a walk. I would come back, have another panic attack and have to walk again. I would be sipping water contantly and crying non stop for the duration. This happened pracicaly every night for a year.

Today, I am not completely without the fear of being s*.... and if I feel nauseas I do have a tiny ounce of panic inside, but this quickly goes away.

I am now only washing my hands after the toilet, and dont ever ever think about the supposed 'outbreaks'. I eat my steak rare and now drink alcohol again.
I dont even think about it at all anymore: literally never.
I am like a completely different person now: I go to work, socialise with friends and generally live my life how I always dreamt of doing when in the grips of emetaphobia.

I think the main things that helped me to get over it was that I had had enough of the panic attacks. I ended things with my boyfriend whom wasnt helping, I concentrated on doing the things I wanted to do like joining a theatre society and moving jobs.

Everytime I had a thought about it, I would say to myself, 'I do not ever want to feel like this again and I dont want to think about you' and then go and do something that you enjoy. I ate regular meals, little and often of the food I fancied and slowly my appitite came back and with this the nausea stopped because it turns out guys, not eating makes things a lot worse!

Also, after watching and observing people cook, and seeing that they are never ill from the way they do it: forse yourself to trust them. Trust that you have an irrational fear of things and eventually have them cook for you a meal they cook often and are never ill from etc.

The more you do this things you you fear and nothing comes of them, then the better you will be.

Another thing I did was stop reading news articles and stopped coming on here, it really helped.
I just rationalised with myself that illnesses have been around forever: ones much much worse than what we have now. Cholera and the plague have swept through britain in the past and yet now we have every means possible to simply live healthily and slightly more careful..... but we dont by any means need to go OTT with cleanliness: think of the fact that people survived a fairly long time without much soap or a decent waste disposal system etc.

the more you do things and watch things happen and realise that you wont get ill: the easier it will be to do them and then evenually will become normal to do these things.

I have sooo much more to say but will leave that for any coments or responces to this

So sorry its been such a long post!! :-s

x

[beccabubba]

Excellent, fancy just getting better without any help at all. What a strong person you must be. I dont really worry about it daily as some do on here. Mine is more when having to travel with people or when I dont feel right. Im not totally bad about washing hands unless I know something is going around and I dont have to do loads of rituals of cleaning to feel safe. Its just when I feel bad I panic about it and sometimes have panic attacks usually when my period is due.
Im so so glad you can vouch for being free of this phobia. Enjoy your life.

[olschesky]

love your story.....i'm working on it myself, too and pretty happy with myself

[2jo2]

Yes, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'll throw my experience in. I haven't been here in AGES, like 4 years. Why is that? Because I'm better.
Another post in this section asks what peoples' definitions of being 'cured' means... What's my definition? It doesn't envelope my days anymore. I don't think about it. The movies in my head are gone. I was even at a restaurant this fall and a girl v'd right in the aisle next to our table, and although I was completely shocked and horrified both by the fact that no one else at her table seemed to be bothered by the fact that this girl had just v'd all over, and that servers were just delivering food as if there wasn't a pile of v there (!), here's the beautiful thing that surprised even me: I didn't panic, I didn't run out of the restaurant (didn't even have the urge) and we actually sat there for about 10 minutes after it happened. It was huge for me because my emet was all about me being more afraid of others being ill than of myself being ill. I continue to be put in situations where I am surprised at my reactions like that, I could give countless examples, but that was the most extreme.
Getting better has everything to do with a change in dealing with my anxiety. I learned in therapy that due to some childhood $hit that happened to me, I sort of dis-associated and learned to obsess about something other than what had happened to me so that I wouldn't have to face the reality of what had happened to me, i.e. it was easier for my brain to obsess about "v'ing" and emet related things, and: voila! I developed a phobia. It was when I actually forced myself to deal with those things in my childhood head-on, that I didn't need the phobia anymore. It wasn't serving a purpose for me any longer.
I now use my obsessions as a litmus test of sorts.... I know when I need to deal with things, because I start my old obsessions again. This is why I'm back here tonight. I've noticed that my anxiety is up and that I'm starting to think about emet again a little. (I've often wondered why I couldn't be aflicted with an obsession about cake or kittens or something nice....) My obsessing is only at about 5% of the strength that it was back in the day however. At my lowest, I could barely make it to work, I was very depressed and anxious, couldn't bear to think about the germs that were coming into my house when I opened the door. I realize that's better than a lot of people with this issue who become agoraphobic and believe me, I told my therapist many times that I wanted so badly to cave in to that feeling... but I guess you could call me high functioning despite my problems. My original reason for not wanting kids was because kids = germ factory. Then I realized I could hardly take care of myself, how could I take care of a child?!
I remember being so scared to get better. My logic was that if I get better, then I won't be afraid to v, and then I'll surely v, and it'll be horrible. But since I've gotten better, I've gotten a d sickness once and came the closest to v'ing that I have in 20-something years. But I didn't v. But you know what? I was ok with it if it was going to happen. I certainly didn't want it to happen as much as you know I didn't want to, but I wasn't going to try and stop it. So my thought that getting better would somehow all of a sudden push this button where I'd be v'ing all the time, facing my worst fears? No.
Visiting the site tonight has helped me to realize that the only place on this site that is going to be good for me to come back to is this section. If I were to sit and read the other sections of the site where people are talking about outbreaks, etc. I think it would only serve to send me into a spiral further from where I want to go. If that helps you out, awesome! But for me, it only makes my obsessions worse, which is why I had to take a break 4 years ago.
So yes, emetophobia has been life-altering, by making me miss out on a lot of things, but there is a way out of it. Life without it is indescribable. I'm starting therapy again Jan. 11th and I realize that it's like any long term maintenance program, I have to keep at this forever and take care of my mental health. And life is great when you don't have the huge burden of emet to carry!!! I hope you all are able to feel that someday.
Peace~

[amusella23]

i have to tell you how much your story has just helped me! i am new to this site but have been suffering as an emet for 13 years. real quick, any advice on this for me, this past sunday i wasnt feeling well but i just brushed it off as nerves then i woke up sunday night and got sick. i had one episode and was done. i have been FINE since 1:30am monday morning. tonight i am experiencing major panic and anxiety in fear that i will be sick again tonight. i am trying to tell myself that this happened 4 nights ago, its over and done with i am no longer sick. how do i handle this? i tell myself i am fine but my mind says otherwise.

[jmdonofrio]

I agree with you when you said that part of you recovering was not coming on this site. While the people on this site are great and there are many times I've been thankful for someone to talk to, I find that my fear is evoked when I come on here and read some of the posts. Even if I'm having a great day, anxiety free and not feeling sick, I'll read a negative post and that will send me into an anxiety web.

I've been trying to come on less and less but it's great to see someone who has made improvements in their lives after dealing with this phobia!

[mom]

I am desperate for a light at the end of "our" tunnel. My 10 year old daughter has an intense fear of vomiting - it began (or, at least, we started to figure it out) nearly 2 years ago. Her anxiety limits her life everyday - she panics before school, during tests, in gym - she can't go to playdates without ending up in tears and embarrassing herself. She can no longer get in the pool with her swim team. It absolutely breaks my heart. She has been in Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) for over a year - and has made some progress (i.e., staying in class for most of the day) but still struggles constantly. The therapist is (again) recommending medication to help - but putting a little kid on meds is very hard for a parent.