OT: words of wisdom needed

[nicki]

i've posted on a number of threads that part of the reason im down at the moment is that things were bad between me and my boyfriend and i was hoping things would get better, particularly now i seem to beginning to win my battle with emet and self-harm. The last couple of weeks ive done nothing but think about our relationship and its upsetting me so much, i wish i had a friend i could confide in about it but i dont so here goes im going to try writing everything down because keeping it inside is causing me so much pain and i feel like i have nowhere to turn,


Things got particularly bad a couple of months ago when my bf just suddenly went off sex. We did do it a couple of times since then but everytime afterwards he said he wished he hadn't and that during it it didn't feel right, and i got really upset that he had carried on knowing he felt like that. i also ended up feeling really used and worthless. Anyway we split up and that night i went out with some friends and got a little drunk. None of my friends would walk me home so i ended up walking on my own at 11 at night, down very dark roads with woods etc. my bf came to find me as i didnt go home and when he found me i was just stood slumped up a wall crying my eyes out cos i was so upset. he took me home and said he couldnt bare to see my upset, and seeing me like that made him realise how much he cared, anyway one thing lead to another but a few days later he again told me he wished we hadn't. I started getting more and more depressed and we split up again, but when i got upset he decided to start things up again. Things didnt improve, we had no sex life, we hardly saw each other etc etc, then i went home from uni and while at home heard from a friend that we had split up. I got really upset again but we just stayed friends and things were ok, he was happy but inside i was hurting so much. Before we came home for christams break we decided to give it another go.


We met up a couple of days later and it was great, the way he looked at me, the way he held me etc etc, everything just felt right. In the week leading up to christmas everything was fine, even though we werent in contact much. Then on Christmas day i got really upset because all my friends were spending christmas with their partners, and i couldnt but on top of that he didnt even phone me. At 4pm i phoned him and he got angry with me cos he was busy and refused to talk to me. he then phoned me at about 10pm and i was extremely upset at this point, i always want to speak to the people i care about on christmas and birthdays. i started crying on the phone, partly because i miss him so much and he just hung up on me.


Things are ok now except over the last week he has told me he doesnt really fancy me anymore, and that sometimes he hates me. I am not allowed to phone him or text him, i have to wait for him to make contact. And then he will only speak to me on msn messenger. he says he loves me, but how can he when he is like this to me. If i get upset about something, he just refuses to talk to me. I havent seen him since the 19th december now.


At the moment i feel so worthless. i love him so much and would do anything for him, but i get nothing back. I feel like a burden. He says he doesnt want to be with me but when i get upset about us being apart he says we'll get abck together, why does he keep doing that if he doesn't want me.


sorry for the essay, i just dont know what to do. part of me, in fact most of me thinks i should walk away but i just can't.

[2jo2]

You are NOT worthless. I want you to understand that. Please don't let anyone make you think that about yourself. You deserve better than that. You are also not a burden. Human beings should not be burdens. A burden is something like a secret or a fear; this phobia is a burden because it keeps us from living our lives. The fact that you feel these things about yourself because of another person makes me sad. I know what it's like to be in love and feel that pain because things aren't going well,and I don't want to hurt you more with my words but it's not right that you have to wait for him to make contact with you. Maybe if you could read your post and see the ways that you're being hurt, and step away from the situation, you'd be in a better position to listen to your heart and know what you should do. I wish you the best, and I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

[alliecat]

Hey... I'm sorry you're in such a horrible situation. But, you do need to understand that what he is doing is completely controlling. Do you even really know what he is doing when you're not with him? When you're waiting for his call? I think, in my completely honest opinion, that you need to ditch this fool in order to get on with your life in a healthy way. This isn't a healthy relationship. I don't think he is helping you at all. I've been in a relationship like this before, and for some reason it is especially hard to let go of... but in the end, you realize that it was the better thing to do, the better thing for your future. Please contact me if you want to talk... I am always here!! Feel better, hon.


xoxo


Allie


AIM: greeneydglare


Yahoo/Email: [email protected]


MSN: [email protected]

[nicki]

The weird thing is, if it was one of my friends or anyone else in this relationship i would tell them to get out straight away before they get hurt anymore. But, at the moment i don't think i could be hurting anymore than i am. I have exams next week and revising for them is not happen because i just cry all the time now i know what eh thinks of me.


I dont really know what he is doing when we are apart, on a very rare occasion he might tell me he is off to his friends house, in which case i wouldnt try to contact him during that time. However, on the other times how am i supposed to know when its convenient for me to phone, i wouldnt mind if he was nice about it and asked if i could call back later but he isn't he is so nasty.


Its little things too, at uni we live in the same halls of residences but on different corridors, howvere people never mind if there are visitors about. We dont even meet up of an evening to cook and eat dinner. he lives with mainly girls, and he is so different around them to when he is with me. if he goes out with them he doesnt like me coming because they are 'his' friends. that really upset me cos i get on really well with them. i could ahve understood if it was all lads, but when its all girls, who i am friends with, how am i tagging along. He is nearly 22, i ould have perhaps understood it more if he was 15!


The one other thing that has got to me is presesnts for christmas birthdays etc, we talked about how much to spend and agreed on £100, which me being stupid spent the whole lot, and got a £17 dvd in return. I am really grateful for the dvd, its something i really like, but it makes me wonder why he said £100(i thought that was too much) when had no intention of spending it, also he only got me the present because we suddenly arranged to meet up before chrsitmas so i could give him his present. Also, in 3 weeks its my 21st birthday, i want to spend the day in the mountains but he wont come as his digital camera has broken and says its pointless. I had hoped we could go out for dinner in the evening but he is not interested at all.


why am i so stupid? why am i staying in this

[sparky2004]

Honey, from what you have said, it's sounds as if the relationship is over. It's not your fault. It is his doing, not yours. Expect nothing more from him. What bothered me the most was when you said that he had not even called you on christmas, so you ended up calling him, and he became angry. That is b.s.


Don't make the pain worse by prolonging things, hoping that there is stilll a chance. You guys made out, and you ended up feeling used; he told you that it didn't feel right. This tells me that he is already gone.


End it sweety, here and now. It's going to hurt, I won't lie to you about that. But I am trying to help stop making the pain worse. Let him go. His actions are speaking louder than his words. I don't think he really wants to hurt you. Yet he is causing more pain on your end by breaking up, making out, than regretting it.


You are not stupid. You are just hurting sweety.


Let him go.


Have you ever heard the saying "If you love him, set him free. If he doesn't come back, than it was never meant to be." ?Edited by: sparky2004

[luckistar2]

I know this is the third or fourth time you have heard this here but you need to get out of this relationship NOW. It is only doing harm to you.


You deserve respect, caring, honesty, and praise in a relationship and you aren't getting these things. I am sure there are plenty of people who can offer you what you need and deserve.


Good Luck and Hugs.

[nicki]

Thanks for all your replies. At the moment i don't have the strength to tell him i dont want him anymore, maybe im scared of the uncertainty us not being together will bring.


I have howvere decided to cut all the normal ways we contact each other. For example, im not going on msn which is the only way he usually talks to me and im not going to email him anymore, which i often did if i hadnt heard from him. That way he will have to make an effort if he wants to speak to me, and i think it will say a lot if he does phone me.


We have our final exams at uni next week and part of me thinks maybe it is the pressure of the exams that is making him like this, i know i shouldnt defend him but when i am under pressure my ocd and emet get worse, maybe this is just how his is.

[terified girl]

Hey Nicki, I am so sorry you are going through this horrible pain. As everyone has already said what I feel too, I won't repeat it even though you know its the right thing to do because you are so worth it, and you deserve so much more.


2 things I think is going on, I could be totally wrong, but I have seen this before, personal and from friends. Either he is cheating on you, and thats why he can't sleep with you, maybe he feels guilty and everytime he does sleep with you, he's reminded of another girl he's been with besides you, and the other thing which is a long shot is maybe he's changing sexually, maybe he's experimenting with guys and now he's ashamed of himself, or maybe he's simply gay, and can't come out of the closet, so he's making this seem like your fault completely because it makes him feel better.


Please do consider your feelings and your future and how you do deserve so much more, and remember, there is a reason for his behavior, maybe its not a bad reason, and maybe it is, so if you do take him back, you gotta find out what was wrong with him, let him believe and trust in you with the truth so that he will tell you, then you decide what you want to do with the truth.


Hope I've helped some, let us know how things go.


Sonia

[Galadriel]

Hey Niki,


I agree with the others in that this relationship is doing you no good. He is playing around with your feelings, and stringing you along unfairly. That is a good idea to drop communication with him like that, its a step in the right direction. Don't contact him anymore, and you will begin to let him go, I know its hard, but its better to move from someone like him to someone who is really going to care about you and show that he loves you back, and not play games like this.

[mparker5]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I agree with
everyone else's posts, I just wanted to tell you that you can find
someone who will be happy to be with you or hear from you. You deserve
so much better - you owe it to yourself to get away from him.</font>

[auggiedoggie12]

I'm sorry for being so blunt sweetheart but...


I personally feel, from what you have said, that he is a controlling and (only saying this because I am upset that He has UPSET YOU) an asshole.


You need to get out of this relationship NOW. He is not healthly for you . Breaking it off might feel impossible but sweetie it will get worse before it gets better. Please do what YOU NEED to do. Not what you WANT right now. It will get only worse. Any guy that says you cant contact him until he contacts you is complete and total bulls*** and does not deserve a wonderful and beautiful woman such as yourself[img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]


Lauren


aol: LB11A


MSN: [email protected]

[charzysbebe]

I would say that you need to end it with him for good. I know it is hard; for I have been divorced twice, and believe me when I say...life is too short to spend with someone that doesn't/can't love you back!


It sounds to me like he has alot of "growing up" to do. He sounds very controlling, and that's not good. It will only get worse. Also, he is probably seeing someone else, and that is why you haven't seenmuch of him. There are tons of guys out there, and there is one that is just right for you!


It is a hard situation to deal with, but he is obviously not on the same level as you are, and while you are crying because of him, he is off...happy somewhere else.


Sorry you have to go through this...let us know if you need anything! [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img] Charlotte

[sparky2004]

Your exams come first. Not to sound like a harpin mother, but no relationship with a guy gets in the way of my training.

[helsbels]

That's exactly what I was going to say actually.... University is a great time for gaining your independence, making friends, having meaningful relationships, etc. but at the end of the day, and most importantly, it is what sets you up for the rest of your life. You've got a great opportunity here to make something of yourself - don't waste it because he's being so selfish. It's time to take control of the situation and start putting yourself first, just block him out (I know it's far easier said than done) but if it's too hard to imagine long-term, then just block him out until you've done your exams. If he was feeling the pressure then he will come back to you, if not then he really wasn't worth it. To be brutally honest, no bloke is worth messing up your future over, even if he's the nicest bloke on earth!!


Take care of yourself, Helenx

[SimplyMe]

I'm so sorry you're feeling so horrible! I completely agree w/ everyone else and I think deep down you do too. I know it's very hard to end a relationship in which you have invested so much emotionally but if you're the only one investing then it's not really a relationship. I have been in relationship where I was the one giving and caring and getting nothing in return and it sucks and it hurts but then there is the fear that if you leave you will "lose" him completely and forever but what I have learned is that he is already lost and int hese situations that is actually better. You deserve to be loved and cared for as much as you are loving and caring. You deserve someone who calls you as soona s they wake up on Christmas morning to wish you a Merry Christmas and he wishes he could be there. You deserve someone who will "allow" you to call himwhenever you want to and who calls you, someone who respects you and gives as much love to you as you are to him and this guy is not doing any of it. A relationship is supposed to be 2 people who care about each other and love and support each other. So what are you really losing by ending it? Yes, it will hurt for a while but once you start to realize that he was doing nothing but causing you pain and sorrow you willa sk yourse;f why you didn't lose the loser sooner. (that's what I did anyhow lol) When someone treats you that way, someone who supposedly love syou, it can make you feel worthless and unlovable but look how many people here, who've never met you in person, responded to you and want you to be happy and KNOW that you deserve better, that doesnt' sound like a worthless person to me. It's sounds like someone who deserves and will find REAl love (just not w/ this joker who doesnt' deserve you or your time or love) I hope this helps. If you need/want to chat email or IM me. Good luck! You can do this!