Going to Crash Soon

[kmarie]

well guys..i dont know where else to turn....


i feel like im about to loose it..if i havent already.


things are SO ahrd right now its not even funny...Im in therapy..have my second appointment on the 12th...but until then i am hav9ing such a hard time.


my relationship with my husband is so much work..its so hard..i love him so much..as he does me..but we are having troubles.


see...because of emet (im afraid to get pregnant) and some sort of pain i have not had actual intercourse with my husband in OVER a year now...we have messed around...but that is dwindling because he gets his hopes up htat we will have sex..and i just cant do it..its not so much emet now..but the pain i have in my vagina when we try..but still..i cant do it..and he doesnt mean to but he puts pressure on me and makes me feel really guilty...so instead of doing that I just avoid contact with him..physically...


he doesnt understand..hes kind and trys to be supportive but o course he doesnt know what im going through. I have finally made an appointmnet to go see a doctor about the pain but im scared to death...i am sure they will tell me i need surgery (um..dont wanna do that..afraid ill eb sick)...or that im dying or have a horrible disease. See..im sure i have cancer..or soemthing horrible..i worry about every ache and pain (and god knows i have a ton of them)....so im scared..but I will go...


then..the toehr night..apparently i called out the name Matt in my sleep..well..johns best friends name is Matt..and he assumed I was having a sexual dream about him..i dunno..id otn remember the dream..it upset him so much he slept in the living room. This hurt me ebcause he just assumes it was about his best friend and that it was sexual. This lead to a long talk..he has massive insecurites. see...hes a big boy..not huge..but not trim..and im skinny..petite...and he has a hard time realizing that i do love him or why i love him. every now and then he "jokes" about me bing with his friend.s there was a chance that id be alone with his friend on new years (my husband works for the ambulance and was on call)..and he kept asking me if hed come home and find us "together"....things like this happen every so ofetn and it really hurts me..i feel like he doesnt trust me (he has NO reason not to I would NEVER cheat on him) or that he doesnt have faith in my love.


SO..its been such a tough few weeks..i end up at home..crying my eyes out..or being a real b**** to my husband..i have even yelled at my poor dog for no reason.


I am an emotional absket case..i want to escape.to go some place warm..with clear blue water..white sand..and palm trees...to relax..unfortunately..i have no money to do so..plus i work (which is a whole other post..work is VERY difficult to deal with but im at work so I dont want to go into details)....so im stuck..in my life..so unhappy.


i would never do anything drastic..like kill myself..i just feel as though i need some serious help. I ahve my therapist..but i have only ahd one session so im not sure about it yet..i have my mom..but I cant really talk about the sex thing to much..ya know...other then that..and my husband..i have NO rael life friends around here...im stuck...talking to my dog and rats...and crying myself to sleep.


i dont think there is much anyone here cna do to help..but just the fact that you are reading this helps...and words of encouragement are welcome..

[mystikal star]

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time right now. I think this time of year is tough because everyone is recovering from the hectic holidays. I'm also sorry that you and your husband are having troubles. Every relationship goes through some bad spells one time or another, but sometimes a little talking with each other, or even a professional, can fix up even the messiest relationships (not saying yours is messy.) You say he loves you and you love him, so let that love work through the troubles.


I really hope you feel better soon. Try to stay positive because negativity only brings about more negativity. Wish I knew what to say--but I really dont. But I try--sometimes too hard. LOL. ((hugs))

[Galadriel]

Hey Kmarie,


I am so sorry things are going tough for you right now. Your husband should be more understanding of your situacion, I mean think about it Im sure if he hurt when you had sex, you would stop immidiately, because you love him and dont want to hurt him, and would encourage him and support him in trying to find out what was wrong. He should do the same for you, and not pressure you and all that, and love should override sex I think. I mean he professes he loves you, then he should not pressure you to do something that is painful for you right now, love does not do that. I think he needs to evaluate himself and where hes at.


Also, it is ridiculus of him to jump on you and act like that, people cannot help what they dream, and just because you called out his name does not mean you have any feelings or anything for him in real life. Your husband does seem to have some insecurities that he needs to work through, and taking them out on you like that is not fair to you.


I wish I could wave a magic wand and make things better for you, I know it must be very tough. Definately try talking to your therapist about these troubles too. Maybe make a list of things you want to discuss and work through, and consider bringing your husband with you on some occassions.

[Jenneh]

really sorry to hear ur having a hard time. especially trying to get ur husband to understand. i know this doesnt help much but i think u r coping fantastically well despite evrything going on. showing that u r strong, even tho u feel lke ur about to crash, u can hang on, and u will get thru it.


sorry i cant say much, tke care,


Jen xxxxxxxxxxxx

[kmarie]

thanks guys...


i am haning in there...i made an appointmnet to go see the Dr. i go on 2/7 so i have pleanty of time to worry!!


I plan to talk about all of this more iwth my therapsit on the 12th..hopefully she can help me through it.


things are going to be rough..but we will make it..i hope..some days I wish we hadnt gotten married...but only because I dotn wnat my husband to have to deal with me ....he had NO idea what he was getting into when he married me...he knew my emet..but didnt really know how emotionaly unstable i really was..thankfully he raelly is very understanding..and is there for me when I need him most.


we bicker a lot..fight sometimes..he sometimes says mean things out of frustration..i end up breaking down..and then he realizes that I am not surrently in control of these things and my mind/body..and that Im not doing this for fun..he realizes that its extremely hard on me too...


i have suggested he try therapy as well....but hes the type..oh just move past it..deal with it....but he seems to be mroe and more open to the idea...perhaps couple counceling may be in order one of these days. before then though I want to work on myself..because i think once I am stable and happier our relationship will be MUCH better!!


Thanks guys..again!!!!

[2jo2]

You are "newlyweds" if I remember right? I think that could be alot of it... my husband and I lived together for 5 years before getting married and had alot of these kinks worked out by then, but every couple deals with something like this.


It's promising that your husband is open to therapy, becasue it can only help... it's tough to deal with things and sometimes an open, outside ear is exactly what we need.


You'll get through it! You say your husband had no idea what he was getting into , but you know what? You are being honest with him.... I waited 10 years before I revealed all my "ghosts" to mine, and I'm sure he was flabergasted because I hid it for so long. You'll do just fine!!

[kellybean]

Hey Kayla, it seems like everything is hitting you all at once. It's good that you're husband isan understanding guy and I'm sure he will be there for you no matter what. Working through though times will only bring the two of you even closer together. Hang in there and don't stress about the doctor. Take one day at a time that's all you can do. I'm sure it's nothing serious, just a whole lot of stress building up. If you need to talk, you can email me.


Kelly

[sparky2004]

From what you said about pain during intercourse, there could be a number of reasons for that. I'm not a doctor, but a very close friend has the same problem, so I will share with you what I know.


If you are emotional uptight, that can affect your reactions to sexual stimulation/suggestions dramaticlly. There is also the possiblilty that he may bepenetrating too deep, and hitting some very tender spots inside you. I sometimes have this problem. Tell him that he needs to ease up a lot, and take things slow.Try and find a comfortable position that doesn't allow him to go too deep, and take things slow.


As in regards to your fear of cancer, or some infection that will send you into the hospital for surgery,...that's nonsense sweety. I amglad that you made an appointment to see your doctor, as he/she will most likely tell you the same thing.Your husband probably feels rejected, which can lead to tension and distress. My friend's hubby chose to loose himself in computer games, and was irritable most of the time.


Do you think that you may be over-reacting to some things? What can you do to change your outlook? What is bothering you the most, and what can you do to solve it? How are yo going to solve it?


Don't deal with everything at once either, as you will only become lost and stressed out. Take things one day at a time, one problemat a time. Counselling is a fantastic idea. It is a tool that the both of you can use to sort through everything.Edited by: sparky2004

[Galadriel]

Sparky has some good words of wisdom!


I agree prolly when you go they will just say that maybe during sex well like sparky says some areas are being affected, which can happen. Just take things one at a time, and that is good that your husband is willing to work thro things. Counselors can be a great help, and dont hesitate to talk about these things, they are there to help you and help you find solutions and work towards goals. [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]