Good Day Bad Day.... (rambling...)

[Eternity]

I am so paranoid lately Im driving myself up the wall. About gettin sick I mean- its seriously ruling my life. n yet I cycled into the city (which is miles) n ate take away n went shopping n was social even tho my stomach has been sore most of the day.. so how can I say that?


But I dont feel ne different inside, inside my mind would just like to curl up n die quietly n never ever leave the house or eat or sleep or talk again.


Someone once told me that bravery isnt not being afraid- its doing stuff even though you are afraid.


My friend saw the cutting on my back, asked me whod done it, what does it say n why, n I didnt really tell her much... I was a idiot not to be more careful, she was never meant to see it. Somethin that fits in n isnt a problem back at skool is a big deal here, n my mother already thinks Im crazy, I dont want my best mate thinkin Im some kinda headf***ed masochistic freak as well. n she must have seen the 'biking accident' scars on my arms also- those ones are impossible to hide in this heat, its only gonna be a matter of time before she puts 2 n 2 together. Im scared that my whole worlds gonna end up thinkin Im crazy, when Im not.. or maybe sayin that Im not makes me insane? bleh, I cant win! for the first time in years Im relatively stable- not wantin to die, not wantin to be in a destructive (or any) relationship for its value as distraction, not wantin to really do nethin apart from sit back for a while n figure out what it is I wanna do. All my life Ive rushed into things n rushed outta them shortly later with equal enthusiasm. Whats the harm in takin a break? Why cant I be just left alone to be me, whats the harm in cuttin if it pleases me, or spendin too much time alone if I like it that way? All I ever wanted was for someone to give a s***. Now I just want them not to. {/rant}

[hippyclown]

Omigod! Eternity, it sounds like you are going through a really tough time right now, as all of us do at one time or another but cutting yourself is not the answer and neither is alcohol. I think you are doing these things to control yourself in some way, but I know from previous experiencethat when you get into stuff like that it all just adds up into a big swirling ball of pain and confusion, I think you need to tell someone you trust the real origin of all your scars before they find out themselves, no one is going to laugh, or think you're weird or anything, they will just want to help you, I promise. Maybe your mum is right and therapy is a good idea for you. Either way you need to get these feelings out without hurting yourself, Good Luck!

[Eternity]

Its not their laughter that concerns me, but rather the condecending looks, the way theyll feel like they need to be careful what they say around me. I know, Ive been on the inside while theyve treated other ppl this way. I dont wanna be the object of everyones concern n good deads, I just wanna be let alone for a while to sort ma own head out. [img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]

[hippyclown]

That is fine, do that! But please don't hurt yourself! We don't pity you or anything, we're just worried about you!

[mystikal star]

Just out of plain curiousity (did I spell that right) who here self injures? I guess its not any of my business but I'm a curious person.

[Jenneh]

Eternity, i know how u feel.


my view on self harm is, its good as a short term coping mechanism, as long as it doent get too dangerous and as long as u dont strt thinking " well i cud just do this for the rest of my life, i'll get thru it lke that" no. thats not the answer. u need to find proper help.. which im not sure if u are doing...


i know how u feel wen u just wnna curl up and die. i gues u just need tyo remind urself why ur fighting this fear in the first place... is it for a career you dream of? or a family u dream of? dont know.. there must be smthing.


hope ur feeling better.


Jen xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Eternity]

*Raises hand* I actually think Im the only one on this board mystical, perhaps cuz a lot of ppl are older or somethin.. I made a thread about it a while ago n most ppl reacted in shock horror. Most of my scars are months old now tho- cant do it here, it isnt worth the hassle.


I dont have a 'dream' Jen, I dont have a ambition right now.. thats why Im not doin nethin- I figured I might as well actually stop n think about it for a bit, rather than rushin into nethin for the sake of doin somethin, Ive done that far too many times already.

[riley20815]

Well, I'm 29, and I still cut once in awhile. Most recently maybe a month or so ago. I don't really ever talk about it, and it's not something I even knew there was a name for until a few years ago. I've never told anyone about it, and I always blame the scars on other things. One of these days I'll "deal" with it, but for now, I think it's pretty much under control.

[Abi]

*puts hand up*


I self harm. I've been doing it for about 18 months now. Mainly cutting my arms. Its awful now the weather is getting warmer trying to cover it up. My self harm is never really anything to do with my emet though, its more because of my depression and anxiety that I do it. If you ever need to chat Eternity, just let me know. I'm 19, so I don't know old you are, but I'm not really old old!

[skon]

I can take or leave the cutting. I don't need to do it but have a few times. Not really a big deal, I'm not any worse of from it.

[Jenneh]

i used to self harm, a lot, now i do it only pretty rarely. but i defenitely still get the urges.


i think Eternity, its important for you to take time and realise what u want in life, and then go and get it. otherwise u mite just end up wasting ur life doing nothing because u dont know wot to do!! u mite as well use this chance of life tht u have, and try and make sumthing outta it,.


Jen xxxx

[Eternity]

Ive been doin nothin for a day, n Im already terribly bored!


Heh, there are other ppl who harm then, where were you guys when the whole board was abusing me for my defence of such behaviour huh? huh?


Bleh, n its starting, the f***in questions, Ive atrributed the scars on my arms to a biking accident already so havin to keep that up now.. just hope I dont get into a situ where someone who actually harms gets to see them- its not clear to anyone, but itd be clear to someone whod done it if ya know what i mean. n I know other ppl have their suspicions. I cant believe Im bulls***tin everyone, when I dont believe self abuseis somethin to be ashamed of, but I cant risk this gettin back to my parents, itd hurt them so, n thats wrong n unncesary. [img]smileys/smilies_05.gif[/img]bleh. I wish the damn things would just heal. Theyre so damn deep theyve left white lines that wont fade.

[Jenneh]

i have white lines that wont fade too. luckily, im not often asked about them. any recent cuts i do on my leg, then the chnace of neone seeing them is extremely low. sorry, i dont mean to give u hints or nething, and i certainly hope this isnt triggering you =|


i think tho you need to try and start adopting other coping mechanisms. instead of hurting urself, try writing ur feelings down, or scribbling on a piece of paper, or hitting a blanket against a wall. therfore u are not hurting urself, ur jst dealin with ur feelings lke neone else wud.


Jen xxxxxxxx

[Eternity]

Haha dont worry bout it, I find talkin about cuttin well.. fascinating, but it doesnt particualrly make me feel likedoin it. How dya get rid of the damn things?? lol. I think the arms are the worst place ya can do it.. but then a friend of mine had such deep scars there once n now theyre faded.. not invisible by ne means, but much much less... but mine dont seem to fade atall

[Jenneh]

apparentrly there is sum type of cream u can put on them.... E oil or smthing lke that.... dont really know sorry, wen i remmber or come across it again, ill tell ya. but thats supposed to get rid of scars, whether they be red/blue/purple/white whatever!


Jen xxxx