New Years Resolution (No censorship/ Very graphic)

[leeannc28]

Just like every year we had some shrimp out for new years tonight. I told myself I wasn't hungry, but the truth was if I wasn't afraid of sea food poisoning I would have popped a couple dozen into my mouth as soon as I looked at them. I recognized this about my true intentions and decided that I hadn't eaten in a while and should face my fear for my own good.

I've had about 3 or 4 handfuls of the little buggers. Delicious!

My hands are so wet with sweat if I hold my palms up there's puddles in them.

My body feels weak.

My forehead feels cold on and off and I have a strange dizzy sensation.

My lower body and stomach have strange aches and pains for no apparent reason.

And yet Im sitting here very still, and very methodically typing this. It's surreal. Im sitting here wondering, very casually, but over and over and over again obsessive thoughts that will not go away. They're not even convincing anymore, but they are there.

I will throw up.
I will be in extreme pain.
I will cry.
I will scream.
My stomach will hurt.
Vomit will force its way out of me.
It will come out so strongly vomit will force its way out of my nose.
I will smell the vomit for days.
I will never eat shrimp ever again, or think of it without vomiting.
I will vomit before I go to sleep.
or vomit during sleep.
or the vomit will wake me up in the morning.
Then I would vomit over and over all day.
I will go to the hospital.
Then leave the hospital and never be able to leave my house.
I would become a weaker person.
I would never be able to live my life to the fullest or fulfill my dreams.
I wont even be able to eat without feeling resentful that it's something I have to do.
I would hate myself for facing my fear.

Or.

I will not vomit.
I will feel fine for the rest of the night and for days, weeks, months, even years afterward.
I will enjoy shrimp and many variety of foods including my favorites and new fine cuisines I'd never tried before.
I will love eating.
I will be healthy.
I might even vomit.
I would be in pain.
Temporarily.
And then I would fine.
I might even laugh before, during, and after vomiting.
I would not care if I got sick.
I would be able to be around sick people and help them.
I could travel
advance my career
and live my life
As a strong, independent, free adult.



Hm. Tough choice. Let me think about it *eats 2 more handfuls of shrimp and some candy*



Happy New Years guys.
Good luck to you on your roads to recovery! Remember what your fighting for!

[cherylcupcake]

I really liked this post. Not because of your worry of course but the last part. Sometimes it's hard to choose whether we'll let the subconscience win or our rational thoughts and it's always nice to hear about the rational thoughts overcoming the fear.

[leeannc28]

It can be really hard sometimes but it can certainly be done. I love the good days when courage wins out.

[sage]

Ha! Great post!
nom nom

[ann32]

i love this post....

[DoonDoon]

Bravo! This post is inspiring...

[Carly2011]

Love this post... what ended up happening?

[Jada2010]

i also LOVED this post! very inspiring i hope everything is going well!

[leeannc28]

Things are going great :3
Have had my issues here and there, but it's nothing I can't handle at this point. I hope this post inspires people for the new year.