New - Scared & Embarassed of my problem!
I am 26 years old, married and have two small children - my daughter is 10 months and my son is 21 months old.
I have always been completely freaked out by vomiting. I have lots of horrible memories of being a child and either getting sick myself or having to be around others who were sick (elementary school, for example). As a teenager/young adult - I avoided going out to eat, tried to avoid being out in public too much during the late fall/winter during "flu" season in fear of catching the dreaded stomach virus that seems to go around each year. In "flu" season I would usually wash my hands a zillion times a day, try to avoid large crowds, and just in general try to avoid doing anything that I thought might bring it upon myself. I can usually appear normal still to those around me. I remember going out with friends as a teenager and never ordering food when we would go out to eat as a group and just claiming I wasn't hungry, but the truth was that I was constantly afraid that I would get the stomach virus from anything and everything, and was always so terrified that anything I ate might come back up later. But I doubt anyone around me knew that. I have never shared the true depth of my phobia to anyone - not even my husband - although he does know that vomiting freaks me out. He has no idea to what extent though. We have never really had to cross that path before until this week, when it all came to a head.
I have two small children who are inevitably going to get sick. Seriously, the moment we found out we were pregnant with my son, one of my first fears was facing the day that he would get the stomach virus. I know that is not normal! Now my fears during "flu" season have shifted onto my children getting sick, trying to avoid taking them anywhere or possibly exposing them to anyone who has been sick, constantly santizing them. It does not work, they still get sick. I work full time so they have to attend daycare which is a breeding ground for germs and viruses to spread. So I knew this day would come, and I kept telling myself I would get over my fear when I was forced to, and sure enough - the day is here! And I am not getting over it.
New Years Eve my husband and I attended a party (the kids stayed with a sitter). The moment we arrived a couple different people at the party announced that their kids had the stomach flu at home. Omg yikes, my heart started pounding, my mind was racing, but I was trying to play it cool. I normally try to avoid being around anyone who even mentions that dreaded word for a solid two weeks if I hear they have been sick or anyone in their immediate family has been sick. But I was confronted at this party and we had literally just arrived, and I had no escape to leave. Plus, my husband does not know or understand the full extent of my phobia so it was not something I could easily explain to him. I decided to tough it out, and stay, but I did not eat or drink a single thing while we were there, and I did not enjoy myself at all the entire night because I was too busy secretly having panic attacks over being around people who had sick kids at home. My husband did not think anything of it though so he drank, he ate, he had a great time with no worries.
Sure enough, not even 10 hours later, husband is sick - vomiting and diarrhea. I woke up on New Years Day to see him slumped over the couch looking horribly sick and instead of trying to comfort him, I started panicking and felt like I could not breathe. I sent him to the bedroom and quarantined him there while I locked the kids in a seperate room and started to lysol and bleach every surface he may have touched, desperately trying to make it germ-free. I feel horrible. He was really, really sick and could barely sit up on his own. I should have been by his side, but instead my phobia made me panic and run away from him. I stayed away from him until he came out of the bedroom on his own and claimed he felt much better. He ate and drank some (kept it down) and then I still was not nice to him - I handed him bleach and a bunch of cleaning tools, sent him into the bedroom and told him to disinfect every surface in there because I was not coming in the bedroom again until it had been done.
Then a few hours later, I got sick. I had not eaten anything for a good 24 hours before getting sick in anticipation that it was going to hit me - and I am glad for that - but the virus took a much harder blow on me because of that. I am only just now starting to feel slightly better, but I am still too freaked out to eat anything or try to drink anything. I have only been taking small sips of water since this happened on New Years Eve and I am very dehydrated, run down and feeling malnourished. But I cannot bring myself to eat or be around food right now without having severe anxiety or panic attacks about it. Everytime I try to think about eating something I am convinced it will come back up so I can't do it.
I thought we were in the clear and the kids would be fine, but last night my son got sick. He was very very sick, it was heartbreaking. He was throwing up 20 mins apart for six hours. We thought we might have to take him to the ER last night. It was scary. I should have taken care of him. I could not do it. The moment I saw he was throwing up, I instantly panicked and started hyperventilating. My husband looked to me to help with taking care of our son, the clean up of vomit and just holding him while he threw up and trying to comfort him, and I could not do it. I was frozen. I locked myself in the bathroom and started hyperventilating and crying. I could hear my son sobbing in the next room, upset and confused about what was happening to him, and I knew my husband was struggling on his own, but I just could not do it. I am a horrible mom. My heart wanted to run to my baby and take care of him and tell him everything was going to be OK, but my brain would not let me function and I could not go to him. My husband does not understand my reaction and is very confused and upset with me for the way I handled it last night. I tried to tell him I couldnt be around the vomiting and could not be around my son but he did not even remotely understand why. He just thinks I am selfish and a horrible mother. I ended up taking a heavy dose of sleeping pills last night and knocked myself out for 8 hours because I was too anxiety-ridden to help my husband. My son scares me the most with his vomiting - he is a toddler so is not able to tell me yet when he is feeling sick, and gets sick all over the place with absolutely no warning. It scared me so bad that I could not bring myself to touch him or even be near him, and all he wanted was mommy, and he kept calling me, but I could not bring myself to go get him. All I could think about was what if he vomited on me, or near me, or even within my sight? I cried so many tears last night over this and even today knowing that I did not help my son when he was in need of me.
My son seems better this morning - no vomiting for 12 hours and he was able to keep down some food this morning. I am relieved for him, but still paralyzed in fear. My daughter still has not had the virus yet and now I wait for when the bomb will drop. I refuse to eat or drink anything knowing that this virus is still around and I have read plenty of things online the last few days that have thoroughly freaked me out - like the virus can live on surfaces for 10 days and that people can get reinfected even once you have already had the virus. All I can think about now is maybe I am going to get it again, maybe we will all just keep passing it around to each other non-stop in some viscious cycle. I know it is not normal to have these thoughts but they are consuming me. The worst part is I cannot be a good mom to my kids with his constant fear. My husband never had any idea that my fear of vomiting was this severe and he witnessed my hyperventilating and panic attacks last night. We have not talked about it - I know he is angry with me and confused as to why I "checked out" last night and did not help with our son, and I feel embarassed by my behavior and ashamed that I am a horrible mother for not helping my son.
Please help me to cope with this situation - I am fully expecting my daughter to be sick by this evening and don't know how I can handle this with another child and an already angry husband.
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