Need advice please! My fiance doesn't understand me.

[Peeperchini]

Hello all,
I've been suffering with emetophobia for years now (as some of you know from my previous posts). I never really talked about it to others except close friends and my family, plus I've casually mentioned it to my fiance. Past friends didn't understand me either, but my family was there to support my anxiety and fears, and were sensitive about it to me.

My fiance does in fact know about my problem and how bad my anxiety can be, especially when (for example, recently) he has a sv* and I had to lock myself in another room, suffering from a massive panic attack while he was in the bathroom.

Well, last night, I wanted to sit down with him to explain in more details my problem, and how i worry on a daily basis and how I'm talking with others with emet and so on. I really want him to be sensitive to my anxiety and support me when I have anxiety and try to understand me more. He doesn't have any problems with v* and thinks it's not a big deal, but I told him it was to me.

He kind-of took it personally when I asked him to be a bit more sensitive to my anxiety, and then I went on trying to explain how it affects me day to day and how I'm trying to ease my fear with some self-help stuff and from these forums.

He said it was hard for him to understand since he has no anxiety over v* and pretty much has no phobias in general. I just don't know how to talk to him, to help him understand the matter. It's something that I hate living with and I just want some support from him, but I don't know how to help him realize what I am dealing with.

I need advice on what to say and how to say it to him, to help him understand. I feel like I hurt his feelings and he took it personally when I got upset because people in my past didn't understand me. He said he wasn't like people in my past and he said I couldn't change his mind about being scared of v*. I told him I wasn't trying to change how he thought about it, but to try to understand my problem and just to be sensitive/supportive about it.

Please help!

[KaydeeJayde]

Well, the way that I explained it to my boyfriend, I asked him what he was most afraid of in the world. He said snakes. I told him to imagine he was in a room full of snakes and they'd just keep closing in on him closer and closer and closer, and you can't escape from it. Your life is in danger and there's nothing you can do about it. I said to him that I know that my life isn't in danger when someone vomits, or when I'm ill, but it feels like it to my mind, and I know, when I'm NOT panicking that it's completely irrational, but it doesn't help when I AM panicking because it feels like a real threat.

I hope he grows to understand. Have you showed him this site? It might help him to read some of the posts on here. I hope I've helped

[socitycourty]

my husband was not very sensitive to it at all. he knows that if he is sick, he's on his own. and not to get sick near me...other than that he doesn't really care to know about my problems....

[KaydeeJayde]

I have the opposite. My boyfriend is really caring and nurturing. The other day, someone vomited on the train next to us, and he helped me into the next carriage, and held me while I cried and shook and yeah. He doesn't understand the full extent of it, even though I've written many, MANY pieces about it for him to try and help him understand, but I don't think he understands exactly how bad it can be for me. But he tries his best.

Perhaps you could talk to your husband, Socitycourty? Unless you don't like people being around you when you're anxious, but even still, he should know about it, shouldn't he?

[olschesky]

i had my husband read the information section at the top of this forum......also found a few posts by other people that sounded alot like how i feel in my panic..........he seemed to "get it" although admitted that he really can't relate to such anxiety........he's been great .....and now i don't have to lie and get all anxious when i start to panic......i just tell him "i can't do that right now.....or go there right now" and he doesnt ask any questions or complain about why i cant go........i'm one of those emets that prefers to be alone with my panic.....usually will go in the bedroom and watch tv or something till it subsides.....

hope this makes sense.......good luck.....it is hard for others to understand...........

[GingerLorelei]

My fiance doesn't understand what my phobia is but he knows if I get a panic attack he'll hold me until it goes away, which is a priceless gift to me... Gods I'll be so scared when I get pregnant and have to deal with Ms*

[Lieke]

My boyfriend started to understand when I had a really bad panic attack (skin turned blue, shaking, temperature drop, low blood pressure etc). He was really shocked to see how bad it can get.

On the other hand...i don't think a non emet will ever fully understand the anticipation fear, which I think is the worst of the entire emet problem. Always concerned and thinking "what if..." My boyfriend doesn't really get that part, even though he tries, I see it annoys him when I start worrying over "nothing".

[asianeko]

My boyfriend understands how terrifying it is for me, though he doesn't understand why. I'll ask if he can post here with something that may help. He has been very very sensitive and helpful with my emet. Without him I wouldn't have recovered as much as I have.

[PinupgirlM]

It's hard and embarassing sometimes . And also you want to seem "normal" esp to someone you love like your fiance. It's hard for my boyfriend to understand sometimes too b/c he's never been anxious a day in his life. I think sometimes us anxious worriers are attracted to the laid back opposites of us haha.
My boyfriend mostly doesn't understand why i get so embarrassed about my phobia. I'm like are you kidding? i'm a freak! No one else feels this way , they won't understand.
Obviously your fiance loves you... all of you or he wouldn't want to spend the rest of his life with you. Just keep in mind , everyone has their issues. He accepts it for who you are but he may never understand .

[frankieanime]

My boyfriend started to understand when I had a really bad panic attack (skin turned blue, shaking, temperature drop, low blood pressure etc). He was really shocked to see how bad it can get.

On the other hand...i don't think a non emet will ever fully understand the anticipation fear, which I think is the worst of the entire emet problem. Always concerned and thinking "what if..." My boyfriend doesn't really get that part, even though he tries, I see it annoys him when I start worrying over "nothing".

I know what you mean, I recently just told my girlfriend my emet issue. She's there alot of the time, but when we fight she calls me a freak or all these other names. They actually make me cry. I won't cry if I get hit with a baseball bat, but when someone calls me a freak when I get sick... I wanna just jump off a bridge. :S
But Anyways... I always hear her saying "I don't get what you mean" or "I don't understand what your problem is". Sometimes I just reply "You'll never understand. Than she goes off thinking it's a competition saying all her issues. But in my opinion, there is NOTHING that can compare to how we get when confronted with THIS fear. Other pear, you at least have control over, but just thinking "It'll happen" is enough to make you break down.
I hate it :S

[hairyfairy]

I`m so glad that I`m not in a relationship, I don`t have to explain anything to people. If I do come across someone who`s vting, & that`s rare, I don`t have a panic attack, I just cross the street, or just get as far away from them as I can, especially as they might have something catching.

[wargerbil]

My husband is the only person IRL who knows about my phobia (well, except the useless therapist). I HAD to tell him when I had appendicitis and I was freaking the eff out in the ER having just driven 6 hrs from upstate NY to Maryland to go to my cousin's bat mitzvah and I was so afraid I was going to v* though I hadn't eaten since the night before and wasn't even too n*. I was afraid they were going to give me pain meds and they upset my stomach like crazy. He was actually really awesome about it. They asked if I wanted anything for the pain and I said noooo for the nausea so they gave me something, phenergan or zofran or something, I forget... Anyway, he was great about making sure I got anti-emetics post sx, and with pain meds. Since then he's fought with medical staff for me following sedation procedures to make sure they give me anti-emetics pre- and post-sedation, and has roused me enough and somehow got me to say I wanted them when a nurse wouldn't administer it (despite what the doctor said) without me consenting (I had pre-procedure), and he's chased after my doctors demanding meds for me. If I'm home and feeling super n*, I like to sit in the living room cause I don't feel "trapped" there, and I like to be alone to calm down, and he understands and goes off to his office and brings his phone so I can call him if I need anything. I don't have panic attacks so that isn't an issue, but he's cool about me freaking out and will reassure me and help talk me down. I don't know that he UNDERSTANDS it, as in, gets why it's a big deal (neither do I really except I know that I'm stuck in an irrational thought pattern), but he understands that it is upsetting to me and is sympathetic.

Damn, now I feel bad about being angry about how he made a giant mess in the pantry :P

[chocolategirl]

He'll never truly understand it, but maybe one day he will understand it to an extent. Just have hope!

[Tina J]

To try to get someone who is not an emit to understand how we feel I think is impossible. The important thing is that we try to explain to our partners how difficult it is, how we react, and what they can do to help. They dont need to understand it really as long as they take us seriously and accept it.