New Member and My Fear
Hey everyone!
I'm a 23 year old girl living on the West Coast of Canada. This is my first time joining a support forum like this, because more and more I realize that this phobia is controlling my life, and I'm absolutely ready to start dealing with it.
My phobia started when I was seven. My grandma, who lived with my family since I was born and raised me, was diagnosed with cancer. I remember during her chemo therapy, I was walking through the park with her and my family, and she was sick into a plastic shopping bag that she'd brought. I sort of ignored it at the time, but I remember it vividly. She died very soon after, and instead of mourning, I suddenly became obsessed with sickness. I would ask my mom constantly if certain symptoms meant I was going throw up. I remember having an anxiety attack in grade four while I was working as a lunch monitor because the teacher asked one of the students if he was feeling okay.
I associated vomiting with death, and now it's just become worse and something I think about all of the time. I mean, I think about it more than anything else and constantly living my life around the fear. I'm terrified that strangers might get sick at anytime, and it keeps me from relaxing in any public situations. I'm an actor, and I find it hard to even go to plays in case one of the actors get sick. It's like torture. I barely ever drink and NEVER get drunk for the fear I'll be ill. The parties I have gone to have been short lived, and I can never stay at them because I know someone is going to get sick. I think about what everyone will do when it happens, what I'll do, will they notice me freaking out, will I be able to control myself...
For me the ultimate horror is a loved one vomiting. Actually the reason I came to this forum is because last night my boyfriend (I'm out of town, visiting my parents) was texting me as he went to this party. Half way through the night he admitted he'd drank too much, and was feeling sick. Immediately my heart starting racing, my breath became short and my palms sweaty. I drilled him for questions, trying to figure out how to was, and was seriously disturbed at the possibility of him getting sick.
He was alright, but he decided to go home, and kept texting me updates that he wasn't feeling well, and he hoped he didn't throw up. I was totally shaking by this point, even though I wasn't physically there, or at any risk, it actually felt like life or death to me. He was really drunk, and his last text was 'oh shit, I'm going to be sick...' and then I stopped getting texts.
I basically felt like he was in mortal danger, and I didn't end up sleeping at all for the entire night. I cried for hours and felt so helpless and terrible. The next morning he phoned me and apologized for not getting back to me - he said he threw up and then passed out in bed, and was totally fine. I felt so stupid having made such a big fuss.
Even just writing about it is making me really anxious, and I feel like my daily anxiety problems are ENTIRELY caused by this phobia. My biggest fear is to not be able to help a loved one if they need it.
On the flip side, getting sick terrifies me, but to a decreased way. Obviously the stomach flu is not an option, and only leads to more people getting sick, so I'm not okay with that. In public I worry about it every time I feel 'off,' I have to leave where ever I am and escape. I'm scared of being embarrassed - of everyone looking at me and not being able to control anything. Sometimes I even get anxiety attacks from something as simple as crossing the street in front of a long line of traffic, in case something happens and I can't continue and everyone is watching me.
I hope this doesn't sound insane! As a person I'm incredibly anxiety, but have hidden it from everyone except my boyfriend, who is very VERY supportive (he suffers from panic attacks too). It's probably a good thing for desensitizing, but he has a weak stomach (although this is the first time he's been sick while we've been dating!). I have a weird morbid fascination with hearing his 'party night where I threw up' stories, but somehow can't cope with it when it actually happens.
I want to travel without fear, to eat at a restaurant without panicking or feeling unable to swallow, to go to a bar and hang out with drunk friends without having to leave. I REALLY want a normal life, and I hope I can take some steps to make that happen.
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