Help Me Recover

[iNurtureTheOdd]

I am ready to let go of this phobia, and I need your help. Please.

I have tried everything else, the only thing left to do is face it head on. In essence, do the exact opposite of everything I have been doing up to now as an emetophobe. Stop all my avoidance behaviours.

I could really use your encouragement and support, and a kick in the ass when I get discouraged, make excuses, feel sorry for myself, etc. Don't worry about hurting my feelings, please don't "kill me" with kindness. I NEED to recover. I cannot live like this anymore.

Please share tips, things that you have found helpful in your recovery. And I need praise, a lot of it, for the littlest accomplishment.

So, will you help me?

[olschesky]

sounds like a good plan......i've done something like this myself. i decided to take baby steps everyday and do atleast one thing that made me uncomfortable......what helps get me through is thinking back years earlier when i know i did these things before and didn't get sick........

have distractions and take deep breaths if you get nervous......but just keep pushing yourself out there....you'll be amazed at how much you can do

i'm not completely cured by any means, but i do feel that i live a pretty normal life.......i work, i'm married, i travel, eat out, etc.......

good luck and we'll love to hear your stories of overcoming hurdles......you can do this

[iNurtureTheOdd]

Thank you so much, I appreciate your support!

I started today. I ate the food I had been avoiding like the plague since the last time I vomited, because I associated that food with being sick. Today, I decided enough was enough. The food didn't make me sick, there's no logical reason why I can't eat it again. So I went out and bought some, ate A LOT of it, not just a little bit. As expected, I felt very scared, had a panic attack, felt sick after I ate it... all the usual stuff emetophobia does. But I told myself that this reaction was normal after eating something I have feared so much for so long. Eventually the panic went away, my tummy settled, and I'm fine. Really tired (because anxiety takes a lot out of me) and I have a headache, but I'm okay. So far, so good.

[rachel1989]

Yes! this is excellent- avoidance behaviours are the worst for sure. I think you should take baby steps too because you don't want to put your anxiety into overdrive. why don't you type up a list of all your avoidance behaviours and then day by day once you do it- you can write an account of ithow you felt and if you did feel sick, how you overcame it and u were fine....that's what I would do...u can share it with us too . I need to do this too! lol xx

[iNurtureTheOdd]

Yes! this is excellent- avoidance behaviours are the worst for sure. I think you should take baby steps too because you don't want to put your anxiety into overdrive. why don't you type up a list of all your avoidance behaviours and then day by day once you do it- you can write an account of ithow you felt and if you did feel sick, how you overcame it and u were fine....that's what I would do...u can share it with us too . I need to do this too! lol xx

This is excellent advice, thank you Rachel! I really do have to pace myself and take it slowly because I tend to go full throttle and then burn out and give up lol. Thank you for reminding me to take baby steps.

Okay so my list of avoidance behaviours is this, in no particular order:

• The food I ate just before I vomited last time. (I ate this yesterday and was/am fine, and I am going to eat it every day for a week to really desensitize myself).
• Eating my other "unsafe" foods. Meat, leftovers, restaurant food, etc.
• Using public transit and public toilets.
• Using my debit card without a glove. Keying in my PIN number with a bare hand.
• Wiping down the outside of food cans, packages, bottles, etc., with an antibacterial cloth before putting my groceries away.
• Crowds. Like malls, church, movie theatres
• Medications. I suffer with a 3-day headache instead of taking something.
• Intimacy. I don't want to catch anyone's "cooties"
• Overwashing my hands.
• Staying home when I think I might not be feeling well.
• Staying very close to home all the time "just in case"
• Running the tap water too long when using it for cooking.
• Grabbing doorknobs with my sleeve or a kleenex.
• Being around someone (who might be) sick - I then stay home for days obsessing about it happening to me, waiting until I'm out of the perceived "danger zone" before venturing out again.
• Doctor's office, dentists, routine medical tests, dental work. I avoid it all.
• Throw out perfectly good food because it's been in my freezer what I think is too long (ie 2 months) or is too close to the best before date.

I'm sure there's more, and I'll remember as I go about my daily life. But I think that's a good start. Holy crap that's a lot! lol Doesn't seem like much until it's written down.

[grrlga]

Mine were my thoughts...they were constant worry and anxiety. So i started doing cbt, and i have learned how to relax, and the main one is redirecting your thoughts, over and over. Eventually they will leave for good! And i did do meds for a bit, im off now, and i no longer have the avoidance issues. We also came up with realistic self talk ..which is what i tell myself over and over when i do panic. It has really made all the difference i feel as if i am 85% cured! Im married, have two small kids, eat out, travel...ect, my only thing is worring my little ones will bring it home, but im almost to the point where im ready!

[iNurtureTheOdd]

Mine were my thoughts...they were constant worry and anxiety. So i started doing cbt, and i have learned how to relax, and the main one is redirecting your thoughts, over and over. Eventually they will leave for good! And i did do meds for a bit, im off now, and i no longer have the avoidance issues. We also came up with realistic self talk ..which is what i tell myself over and over when i do panic. It has really made all the difference i feel as if i am 85% cured! Im married, have two small kids, eat out, travel...ect, my only thing is worring my little ones will bring it home, but im almost to the point where im ready!

This is really good, practical advice. Thank you for sharing it. I like the "realistic" self-talk as opposed to "positive" because that never works for me. Realistic I can believe, positive is sometimes impossible to believe.

[KaydeeJayde]

I' doing CBT, too. I got told to purchase a watch that beeps on the hour, and do some deep breathing exercises every hour. It helps keep my anxiety levels in general in check. Also, I do the same as avoiding my avoidance behaviours. Sometimes, I challenge myself to ride the train without my ipod, or to sit next to someone in class or on the train who might look ill to me, instead of leaving or standing up.

[iNurtureTheOdd]

I' doing CBT, too. I got told to purchase a watch that beeps on the hour, and do some deep breathing exercises every hour. It helps keep my anxiety levels in general in check. Also, I do the same as avoiding my avoidance behaviours. Sometimes, I challenge myself to ride the train without my ipod, or to sit next to someone in class or on the train who might look ill to me, instead of leaving or standing up.

I love the hourly reminder to breathe! I'm going to do this. Thank you!
I'm going to add to this, reminding myself every hour that another hour has passed and I'm FINE.

[Jada2010]

I definitely agree with what everyone is saying about the avoidance bahviors!! Thats a great first step. The more you do it, the easier it will become! Something I would also recommend is exposure! I'll give you the link to a website and you can go through the 10 different levels of exposure at your own pace!!!! It starts with just words, then cartoon pictures, then real pictures, then videos, etc. And you keep exposing yourself to more until they dont make you anxious anymore! I've been doing this recently and I've found it incredibly helpful.

Here's the link: http://www.emetophobiaresource.org/

Good luck and let us know how you're doing!

[becca44]

I definitely agree with what everyone is saying about the avoidance bahviors!! Thats a great first step. The more you do it, the easier it will become! Something I would also recommend is exposure! I'll give you the link to a website and you can go through the 10 different levels of exposure at your own pace!!!! It starts with just words, then cartoon pictures, then real pictures, then videos, etc. And you keep exposing yourself to more until they dont make you anxious anymore! I've been doing this recently and I've found it incredibly helpful.

Here's the link: http://www.emetophobiaresource.org/

Good luck and let us know how you're doing!

Exposure is too much for me, i got up to level 6 on this and had to stop, who can get to level 9 is a very brave emet.
Good Luck with your recovery, little steps at a time!

[iNurtureTheOdd]

Jada, I have bookmarked this and will incorporate it into my recovery. I'll update you on my progress. Thank you.

So much great advice from everyone! I don't have anyone who supports me, so your support (all of you) means so much.

[olschesky]

glad to see all the helpful posts here........i think we will all benefit congrats on the food step you took.....

[iNurtureTheOdd]

congrats on the food step you took.....

Thank you! I can't believe I avoided a food I really like for so long just because I happened to vomit on a day I ate it.

[iNurtureTheOdd]

I have bookmarked the link, I mean. The site didn't allow me to quote the link for some reason. Guess I don't have a high enough post count lol.

[asianeko]

Congrats on deciding to overcome this fear! It's a big step!!

I actually have a thread in my sig that talks about the different things I used to overcome my fear, but I'll copy/paste the first post of it here for you.


1. Calm Breathing! Learning how to calm myself down out of a panic attack took time, and many steps, but it's the best thing I've learned how to do. All you need to do is find your own relaxing breathing pattern, and do it a lot. I mean a TON, when you aren't nervous. It gets you all relaxed and calm and peaceful. Soon, when you decide to start, you calm down almost automatically. This is SUCH an awesome tool to have under your belt. It can take anywhere from days to months to achieve fully, but I swear that this alone helped me the most. I can calm myself out of the worst of panic attacks within 5 minutes, even without help. It's SO worth learning.

2. Convincing Myself it's OK! I know we all know this. That V isn't going to kill us, and it's a necessary function of the human body. It doesn't make it less scary! This may not work for everyone, but I found that when I thought about it rationally (NOT when I was nervous at all, or had emet sneaking up on me, just when I was calm) I understood that it isn't so scary. We need to do it sometimes to get nasties out of our system. Cyanide is so lethal to rats because they can't V! We're damn lucky we can It still isn't pleasant though!

3. Remembering The Effects! I know this won't apply to some, but every time I've V-d, I felt so much better after. Sometimes I was nervous, shaking, or crying, but my stomach didn't hurt anymore, at least for an hour or so. It helped ease the pain. Also, the actual act of V didn't scare me as it happened, it hurt sometimes and wasn't pleasant, but it was usually over so fast it wasn't bad. Remembering this has helped me realize that it's mostly the N we dislike, which brings me to the next thought.

4. Breaking the Anxiety Cycle! Face it, we all have generally the same chain of events. We get N, usually from anxiety. The N makes us nervous, sometimes even panic. This raises our anxiety which raises our pulse, and can make us feel more N. If we panic, adrenaline starts going crazy and we get Super-Spidey-Senses. Every change of temperature, the pallor of our face, we're super sensitive to it, we LOOK for things that may be making us feel this way, when it's almost always just our own anxiety! Finding a way to break that cycle helps SO much. For me, it's the Calm Breathing. For some, it's a familiar calming scent. My doctor suggested carrying around a baggie of a smell that calms me in my pocket. This way if I was nervous, I could close my eyes and smell it. I think it may help some, but depending on the smell (aka if it's food related) it may not do much.

5. Knowing how REAL N Feels! This is another thing that may not help everyone, but once I was ill, I remembered what real N is like. I remembered that there is NO doubt that it will happen, and that the second you know you've already run to the restroom. I know now that if I have time to wonder if I'll be S, I most likely won't be. When I am anxious, I feel anxiety lower than in my stomach. A good rule is if it's below the belly button you're safe. Keep in mind that doesn't mean above it is a death sentence Sometimes I get anxiety N higher too.

6. Knowing When To Get Help! I decided I needed help when Kris (my bf) was too drunk one night. I spent the night trying to sleep in the car in 30ºF weather, shivering and crying and praying he was okay. When I knew my dad was awake I called just to talk to somebody. He suggested I talk to somebody who could help, and I realized that night that this was something I couldn't battle on my own. There are many routes to take with getting help, and I don't think that any certain way will work for everybody. You need to decide for yourself what you are willing to try. I did hypnotherapy, and it was amazing. In 3 sessions I had improved by leaps and bounds. Do I recommend hypnotherapy? If your mind is open to it working, then heck yes I do! But I also know that it may not work for everyone.

7. Having A Friend Who Understands! I'm lucky enough to live with my boyfriend, who is SUPER understanding. I was able to confide my every fear in him, and he helped me in every way possible. Having somebody in person helps a lot, but I also know this isn't something everyone is lucky enough to have access too. I also found that certain people on IES helped me a ton. We're a community who understands one another! We're all here for everyone!


If I remember more things, I'll come back and post them for you. Stay positive! You can do this!

[iNurtureTheOdd]

Those are all wonderful suggestions, thank you Askieneko. I especially like the one about feeling better after vomiting and knowing the difference between real nausea and anxiety-nausea.

Here is what I have done today so far:

1. I ate the same "forbidden food" that I have been avoiding since last time I vomited. And it was left over from yesterday. So I killed two birds with one stone. I wasn't as anxious about eating this particular food as I was yesterday, probably because eating it yesterday proved to me that the food was perfectly fine, it was my reaction to it that was the problem. I am moderately anxious that it was a leftover because I have been avoiding leftovers for a very long time. But I'm staying with the unpleasant anxious feelings, breathing slowly, doing the realistic self talk "this is just anxiety, of course I'm going to feel this way as I face my fear, etc". I know this awful feeling will pass, it's not real nausea, it's fear.

2. I had been avoiding church. I went to talk to a pastor in a nearby church, explained my situation. He was very understanding, prayed for and with me, added me to the church\s prayer list (with my permission), and invited me to join one of the services whenever I'm ready. So I may actually have found a new church to call "home". We'll see. I'm not ready to sit in a church full of people yet, but definitely something I want to work on. So today was a first step in the right direction. I felt a somewhat trapped in his office, but I stayed, allowed myself to feel all the feelings, and Isurvived. I really need to learn that I don't always need to be in control, and alone, to be well.

3. I threw out all my antibacterial everything and replaced them with regular soaps etc. I have a small bottle of hand sanitizer in my purse, in case I'm out somewhere and I need to clean my hands to eat. Very unlikely though, since there's always a bathroom nearby where I can wash my hands with plain old soap and water.

4. I washed my hands only after using the bathroom and before eating. That's it. It was very difficult because I normally wash and sanitze my hands every time I touch anything, and sometimes for no reason other than I feel I need to. This made me quite anxious throughout the day so far, because old habits die hard, but I'm not giving in to the fear. There is no logical reason why I have to wash my hands when I'm not using the bathroom, eating, or handling food. So I have been staying with my symptoms of anxiety that could be eliminated by just washing my hands. But then that would just be making the emetophobia worse instead of better if I gave in just to have some instant short-term relief.

That's my update for today. I'm very anxious and my brain is telling me I'm going to vomit because I'm not doing all my "safe avoidance rituals" but that's the emetophobia talking and it's a lie. My sane intellect tells me I'm perfectly fine and there's no reason why I would vomit just because I'm not washing and slathering my hands with santizer a million times.

[iNurtureTheOdd]

I did more today. After eating, I went out to get a slice of pizza. For two reasons. 1) I'm afraid of being too full because that might make me vomit, and 2) I haven't eaten anything I haven't cooked in ages. So I thought a slice was a good place to start. AND I ate it there instead of taking it home to make sure I could properly wash my hands, warm it up in my own oven, etc.

The edge of the slice was hanging over onto the tray. I'm sure they don't (ever) wash those trays. Probably just give it a wipe. But I ate it anyway. I also did not wash my hands, or sanitize them, after touching money to pay for it, pulling out the chair to sit on and whatnot. I ate the whole thing even though I was already full going in. I felt panicky and wanted to stop after the first bite.... and after the second... and third... and 10th... you get the picture. But I didn't. I kept telling myself I could still chew and swallow while I was feeling scared. What was the worst that could happen? I would throw up? Unlikely. But if I did, I would go to the bathroom and somehow I would get through it. What choice would I have? Well, I didn't vomit, I'm fine. That little voice in my head keeps saying, "Yeah you're okay NOW but the night is still young..." But I'm not listening to that voice. I'm listening to the voice that tells me I'm fine and that I want, more than anything else, to overcome emetophobia.

I did wash my hands (with regular soap and water and only ONCE) when I got home. But that's because I stopped at a movie rental store and I can imagine all the hands that touched the case (as well as dogs licking it lol) so I thought washing my hands for this reason was reasonable.

All in all I think I did well, so far. *shrug*

[iNurtureTheOdd]

Trying to figure out my phobia.

Thinking about how I handled feeling and being sick before emetophobia, I wasn't scared. Then I had my first full-blown oh my gosh make it stop panic attack in which I felt insanely nauseous and began gagging. Not vomiting, but gagging. It is after this that I became emetophobic. I'm wondering if my brain has linked the sheer terror of that panic attack to vomting (since gagging was a symptom). I didn't know it to be a panic attack (didn't know what a panic attack was), so I assumed that I was feeling so deathly ill because I WAS ill (ie stomach flu).

If that is the root cause of my emetophobia, am I really afraid of vomiting OR am I terrified of the panic that I've linked to it, and that since that fateful day, always accompanies nausea. Hmmm....

I'll assume that my real fear is the panic attacks. Working on overcoming emetophobia won't help, will it? Because that's not the actual fear. Perhaps I need to work on overcoming my fear of... well... fear! And if I overcome my fear of fear, then I should go back to reacting to nausea and vomiting the way I did before I had that first full-blown panic attack.

Just thinking out loud. Your thoughts on this appreciated if you care to comment.

[KaydeeJayde]

You seem to be doing so well! I'm really proud of you, which might sound weird, but I am Well done, honestly!

I also think I'm afraid of the panic attacks that I know are going to happen if someone gets sick, so if I learn to control them, I should be on the right track. I think alot about this phobia and I think I've learnt a lot about myself from examining the way I work around this anxiety. Are you finding the same thing?

[iNurtureTheOdd]

Thank you Kay, I appreciate the support and encouragement.

Yes, I too am finding that I am learning a lot about myself by the way I work around my issues. More importantly, I am learning a lot about my emetophobia as I analyze my thoughts and behaviours regarding vomiting. I really am convinced that it has very little to do with the actual act of vomiting and more to do with the fear of the fear that comes with it because it's the panic attack that feels so incredibly awful! I'm almost sure that if I didn't have a panic attack every time I thought I might be sick, even if I did get sick and vomit, it would not be such a big deal.