Today I found this website and have learned I'm not a freak, that I have a true phobia.

This is getting worse each year, and my biggest fear is the stomach virus.

I've gone through a lot lately, my 78 year old mother passed away in January while she was in the hospital and I've had a lot on my mind about her last days.

She was in the hospital out of town for a non-death related illness. She had an ulcer on her foot. I didn't know the doctors wanted to give her a type of dye test to look at her blood circulation, but I knew they were discussing her possibly having toe amputation.

She had the test on Monday, Jan. 24th. I spoke with her that evening over the phone and she was fine. On Wednesday I spoke with her again and this time she was ill and having a lot of v*. Naturally, I got into panic mode and figured she must have caught some stomach virus that was going around. Because of my "secret fear", I put off going to visit her but she seemed okay otherwise. She said she was sick and even said "I think I might be dying", but I shunned that off as she could sometimes exaggerate.

Out of the blue on Friday her nurse called and said, my mother isn't doing well and I should come see her. She didn't tell me why, what was happening, just said she was ill and fell the night before and she was going to need a cat scan because she landed on her forehead.
I was so confused by this, didn't understand the seriousness of it, but the panic of sv was so bad, I said I would wait for more info.

Later that night Friday, Jan. 29th. Another nurse called and said mom was resting, so I spoke with her doctor. I asked straight up if my mother was deathly ill, and she said NO. Apparently, the dye test affected her kidneys but she was stable. Time would tell how bad her kidneys were.

Now I realized it wasn't the Stomach Flu so I planned to visit mom first thing the next morning. I got a call at 4am by another nurse to tell me my mother passed away!!!!!! She had full kidney failure and there was nothing they could do.

So we've dealt with the funeral, etc. But to this day, I am still tearing myself apart inside. I had the chance to say goodbye to my mom, it was a 1/2 hr drive, but I froze from this stupid phobia/fear. My mother died and she never knew why I didn't come and be by her side. I just wish I could get back that day and do it over again. To be with her until the end.

Life can't get any worse than that. Nobody in my family, not even my husband knows this. I'm crying right now typing this, but I feel there's someone out there that understands.

Thanks for reading,
Coreena