New Member, I feel like an awful parent

[Nikki28]

My daughter had a gastro bug 3 weeks ago.
I never realised I had emet as bad as I do until then.
It started on a Thursday, everything was fine, she was a bit grizzly (she just turned 2 this week so doesn't speak many words). She didn't want tea but can be a fussy eater so I never thought anything of it. I gave her a bath and put her to bed, she didn't want me to leave her but I did because she is hitting that difficult terrible twos where they push the boundaries.
I went to do the dishes and she started screaming so I ran to her room and she had v* everywhere and did it again as I turned on the light. I went straight into a full blown panic attack and called my mum and my boyfriend (her dad) to come over right then and there.
I let them clean it up and deal with it while I went outside.
She v* 3 more times that night and I spent the night awake in full panic attack mode.
The weekend was ok, she was fine so I let my guard down that it was a 24 hour bug and she was over it.
She woke up on the monday night v* again and I went straight into panic attack again. I couldn't get hold of her dad so had to call my mum and get her to come over at 1am, for which I still feel bad.
Since then I have spent the last 3 weeks in a state of constant anxiety, always monitering her food and checking constantly to see if she will be sick again or not.
I am taking diazepam every night and have been giving her phenergan at night, though I can't give it to her every night as it is addictive.
Her father and I don't live together at the moment, we are in a relationship but living apart for a while.
I am not coping at all at night time, in the past week I have had 4 seperate full blown panic attacks for fear of her potentially v*, and I can't do this anymore. All I want to do is run away, I hate being alone at night, I want to give her to my mum because I can't live with this constant fear.
I want to get some help, but it is a huge cost as a single mum and being a student as well.
I can't live like this anymore, my Dr has just given me anti-anxiety pamphlets which are no help at all, I have lived with anxiety for the last 12 years.
I am only 28, alone, frightened and on the edge.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I dread being at home alone with my daughter and it's so hard because she just wants me when she is sick.
I feel like the worlds worst parent right now, and everyone around me is just telling me to "get over it" because there is no other choice.
I can't do this anymore.
Sorry, am not looking for pity or anything,, just needed to get it out to people who might understand just how wretched I feel right now.
Cheers

[patchie]

Hi Nikki28,

I am the same, my daughter threw up once and i immediately freaked, i was in such a state, i rang my sister to come over, we ended up in emergencey because i was in a state and couldn't care for my little girl, i lived in a state of panic for a whole week until i was out of the danger zone, during this time, it is the most awlful feeling......... I remember feeling that sense of dread, i wanted to love and hug her and take care of her, but i just couldn't do it because of the fear that i felt, my husband was away that week, and i ended up staying at my sisters..... i is awful being unanle to operate like a normal human being. But we hear you........ and we are all here for you.

[christianne]

Hi and welcome!

I don't post very much anymore but I just had to let you know that you are NOT the only one who feels like that. I am a mother too, and I know exactly what you are going through right now. My son is a teenager now, thank God, and it does get much easier when they get older, but when he was younger I was afraid to be alone with him.
The first time my son got sick I ran out of the room immediately and left him on the floor crying. Ugh....I felt like the worst mother in the world. I STILL cringe when I think about that!
I'm a flight attendant (and have been for 10 years or so) so luckily most of my son's stomach bugs have happened when I'm out of town. I get some "exposure" at work, so that coupled with my Lexapro and Ativan has been the only way I've been able to deal with anything. I do consider myself a recovering emet, but I still have relapses now and then, unfortunately.
I think maybe you need to find a new doctor as well. One that may actually HELP you instead of handing out pamphlets and thinking you'll just get over it. There are alot of new anti-anxiety medications out there that can really help.
But you have come to the right place....there are many parents on this forum that completely understand and know exactly how you are feeling. You are not a horrible parent...you are just a mother trying to live with this horrible phobia.
Hang in there darlin...

[poppys]

i understand COMPLETELY i go into panic mode when a family member is sick too and my sister suffers with Menierres Disease which is dizziness followed by vomiting and i want to be able to help her without feeling SO SCARED !! i never used to be like this and just want to be a normal person and feel calm and in control when someones ill.Your not a bad mum at all ..lj

[Nikki28]

Thank you guys, it is a huge relief to know i'm not alone in this.... am doing some work with my counsellor to help me cope, have had hypnotherapy suggested to me to find the root cause and get rid of this fear. Has anyone tried this with success?

[wargerbil]

We freak out because we feel bad because we can't deal with v*, but the list of things I've heard OTHER mothers not be able to handle includes stuff like snot, poop, blood, teeth related things. It makes them freak out. I don't think many kids are going to have parents who are awesome in all manners of gross situation, and I don't think it makes you a bad parent.

I never made it as far as hypnotherapy though the therapist I was seeing wanted to do it. I got as far as relaxation and then said I was visualizing the wrong things and I felt stupid the entire time anyway so I quit. (Other reasons too; I didn't really like her) None of it was supposed to find a "root cause" as much as it was supposedt o help reprogram my brain.

[mandygrl]

Thanks for posting, I have also just posted for the first time, with a situation very very similar and god do I feel like an awful parent.

My son knows when he gets sick he goes to his nannies house, or to daddy's house and I feel like I don't deserve him. when he was sick last night I felt suicidal.

but it makes such a difference to know that I'm not alone, that's half the problem I think, not only feeling terrified and like a bad parent but also like no one understands.

hang in there,

amanda

[Nikki28]

thanks so much for the support everyone, has made a huuuuuuuge difference to me to not feel alone in this, and to know i an not crazy...

[SteveR]

It's good to hear that you have your mind on your kids.

I wrote a blog post on this topic a while back: http://www.emetophobiarecovery.org/c...-the-goal.html

[candance]

I think I would have reacted the same most likely. This is why I'm scared to have kids. My fiance REALLY wants a baby, we have agreed on start trying after I finished school and I want to, I really want a baby and want him to be a daddy but I'm terrified because I know I'd feel like the most horrible mom in the world. I'm also terrified of the pregnancy. Everyone keeps telling me it will be fine and that I'll be able to cope when I have to but as I'm reading here and have heard from others before I think chances are good I will just freak out and leave my then husband alone with the sick kid.
You are sure not alone with this and I think it's great that you are even trying and that you are a mom! That's more than I have done so far!

[Beathedog]

Sigh. This is what we deal with when we emetophobes have kids. I literally ran out of the house when my son had his first sv about 3 months ago. And even though I didn't actually see him v*, I heard it and had to clean it up and it's been like having PTSD since. I bolt upright in the middle of the night if I hear him so much as cough. He's had a fever bug the last 2 days and even though he desperately needed children's Motrin, I couldn't give it to him, because it makes him gag. (My husband did it though)

It sounds like you're dealing with it. And you've discussed treatment with a councilor, which is fantastic. I've since gotten a prescription for Klonopin and that's helped a bit.

The bottom line is, you're so not alone. I know EXACTLY how you feel and it looks like other moms on here do too. And that's a bit of a relief...

[Lynn1977]

I know how you feel. I will turn 52 on June 2 and I have been dealing with this phobia for as long as I can remember. I only had one child because of this phobia. Thank the Lord my husband was strong where I was weak, but it still dosent make you feel like a good mother. Good Luck.

[Lynn1977]

I am really tired of people and FAMILY who say "get over it". If only it were that easy. They have no idea of the private hells we live in.

[tolmister]

Hi everyone

I am a new member from Australia and can't believe there are others out there with the same horrible horrible phobia. I too am a mum to a 2 and a half year old and an 8 month old, and I physically shake, sweat, and do everything I possibly can to get out of the room when either of my kids throw up. I honestly thought it was just me, it has seriously taken over my life and affects major decisions (ie the reason i will not have another child), I do not drink anymore, and I won't put my children in care for fear that they will catch something. I won't go out with my partner without me driving (so I can escape if someone is sick), but then half the time I just make up an excuse not to go out at all (incase someone wants a lift home who could potentially get sick). I have basically become a shadow of my former self, and I must say the panic attacks and anxiety I feel have worsened in the last couple of years since having my first child. I have finally decided that I really need to do something about it as it is really affecting my relationship. I feel that my partner doesn't really understand the seriousness of the phobia, and just thinks i have become 'boring' cause I don't want a drink anymore, or because i won't 'let my hair down' and catch taxis when we go out. Anyone else had this experience? I don't know what treatment to look at first. I am currently on Zoloft but would like to look at alternative therapies to actually face the phobia head on, not just mask the symptoms.
Thanks in advance for your help :-)

[Lynn1977]

tolmister, I feel your agony. I react just about the same. I used to be really good at hiding it. My son is 21 and it's easier as far as he is concerned. But I worry about other people being sick all the time. The worst for me is to find out that somewhere I had been the day before there was a virus going around. I worry for over a week until I feel I am safe from catching it. When I am around someone who is sick, the first thing I do is LEAVE the area. The second thing I do is try to breathe normally, then sweats, etc... Panic! I can in fact be fine one minute and then begin thinking back to the last time I was sick and the worry begins when there isn't anything to worry about. I often purell myself to death. I carry 2 bottles in my purse all the time. It is my own private hell. I do have good days but not many.