Family stresses

[Tasha'93]

I didn't really want to get too personal on this board, especially where my family is concerned but it's getting to the point where I actually just want to scream because it's that frustrating/upsetting.

I've just had my evening meal and said in passing to my mum "Oh, i've got such a stomach ache now, I probably shouldn't of eaten as much as I did', and all I got back from my sister was "Oh god, I hope you're not having one of your *rolls eyes* moments again". It's like, really.. why did she have to say it like that? As if it's nothing and that everytime I open my mouth about how i'm feeling it's meant to be considered as a joke when it's actually deadly serious? It just upsets me that my sister and sometimes my dad can be really demeaning towards me and are just pretty much laughing at me and my 'problems'.

Does anyone else have this problem? Does anyone in your family snigger at you or just generally not take the phobia seriously? It's quite upsetiing like i've already said and makes me think how am I supposed to get over it when people are treating it as if it's a joke and just me being over dramatic

[orton99]

Hi, I'm sorry you're having these sorts of problems, although I think it's probably a matter of context. Siblings take the mickey out of each other as a matter of course so, annoying as it is, I'd try and just ignore your sister on this one. I appreciate it must be upsetting to have your Dad not always take you seriously either, but it could just be that he doesn't really know what to do, so is falling back on trying to make light of it.

It's important to remember that family members tend not, as a rule, to be medical professionals, so don't know where to go next once the standard arm round the shoulder and reassurance hasn't worked. My phobia has fortunately not been that much of an issue over the years until recently, but on the odd occasion I did feel queasy growing up I remember getting sympathy from Mum the first couple of times and then exasperation after that - after all, a parent will want to reassure their child, but the problem with something as irrational as a phobia is that no one can actually give you the guarantee you want - no, you won't be sick, 100% guarantee - as what effects do words have on someone else's stomach? And because you will very much want that impossible reassurance, you've got a problem. I think that Mum's occasional exasperation with me when I was younger was because she was probably worried about how far it might go because, again, she had no idea how to deal with it.

It's quite different now, when I've told them about seeing a therapist recently, although seeing that I'm linking it all to losing Dad I should darn well think everyone's being sympathetic! Silly question here, but does everyone in your family know how bad this is for you? That this isn't just "Tasha being a bit funny" but that it's really starting to seriously impinge on other areas as well? If there's any doubt that they know, I'd say you should sit down with them and let them know, in words of one syllable, how this isn't a joke for you.

[Tasha'93]

Hi, I'm sorry you're having these sorts of problems, although I think it's probably a matter of context. Siblings take the mickey out of each other as a matter of course so, annoying as it is, I'd try and just ignore your sister on this one. I appreciate it must be upsetting to have your Dad not always take you seriously either, but it could just be that he doesn't really know what to do, so is falling back on trying to make light of it.

It's important to remember that family members tend not, as a rule, to be medical professionals, so don't know where to go next once the standard arm round the shoulder and reassurance hasn't worked. My phobia has fortunately not been that much of an issue over the years until recently, but on the odd occasion I did feel queasy growing up I remember getting sympathy from Mum the first couple of times and then exasperation after that - after all, a parent will want to reassure their child, but the problem with something as irrational as a phobia is that no one can actually give you the guarantee you want - no, you won't be sick, 100% guarantee - as what effects do words have on someone else's stomach? And because you will very much want that impossible reassurance, you've got a problem. I think that Mum's occasional exasperation with me when I was younger was because she was probably worried about how far it might go because, again, she had no idea how to deal with it.

It's quite different now, when I've told them about seeing a therapist recently, although seeing that I'm linking it all to losing Dad I should darn well think everyone's being sympathetic! Silly question here, but does everyone in your family know how bad this is for you? That this isn't just "Tasha being a bit funny" but that it's really starting to seriously impinge on other areas as well? If there's any doubt that they know, I'd say you should sit down with them and let them know, in words of one syllable, how this isn't a joke for you.

Oh yeah, of course i'm aware that siblings will always tease eachother about one thing or another but in this particular situation I would have thought there would of been a line.. but apparently not. I dont expect everyone to understand, sometimes I'll even sit & think to myself I'm struggling to understand why this is happening to me, but it is & it can't be helped, not at least until I see a therapist.

I agree with what you say about my dad, he's definately one of those people that couldn't really give a you-know-what about things like this, he's very much a 'traditional man' who doesn't really connect with his own/other peoples feelings or emotions so he probably does just try and make light of the situation, which is understandable I guess. My mum understands where my anxiety is concerned because she has suffered with bad anxiety herself for years, so whenever I have a panic attack shes always there to reassure me, and seems to understand to a certain degree about my phobia but not enough as she does get angry/annoyed at me if I mention it a lot.

At the end of the day, I love my family to pieces and they do support me in most situations but in this particular one I feel quite alone and can almost see everyone just getting on with their lives and doing their own thing whilst I feel very much still and as if i'm going nowhere, it's hard to explain fully what I mean.

PS - Does your mum think your phobia has worsened due to your dad's passing too? & i'm glad she was sympathetic!

[orton99]

Well, everyone thinks it's worse for the simple reason that it is! The only real manifestation of it before was when I got a bit OCD about washing my hands for a few months when I was in the last year at primary school, probably as a reaction to the underlying uncertainty of leaving and going on to secondary, even though in my conscious mind I was fine with it and actually looking forward to it! That was a walk in the park compared to the last couple of months however, so I suppose everyone I've told about it simply has to take it seriously.

I'm glad that your Mum knows something about what you're going through (well, glad for you but not so much for her that she knows about anxiety in the first place!), but I can only say again to try not to take it personally if she sometimes gets short with you. I don't doubt for a moment that she loves you and wants you to be happy, but reassurance is usually based on "See, it's not so bad" or "Even if the worst happens, you'll deal with it because...", so falls flat when faced with the toxic irrationality of a serious phobia. No matter what she says, it will always fall short of the absolute reassurance that someone genuinely phobic about something will always, by definition, want to hear.

I know what you mean about feeling isolated - I was watching a quiz show recently and envied the contestants larking about, thinking, "You don't look ill and I bet you're not stressed out that the last meal you ate will come back up tonight are you?" However, the way to look at it is to take it as a metaphor of what needs to happen now. (Being such a serious theatre-goer, you're perfectly happy thinking in metaphors aren't you? ) The truth is that, however much reassurance and support you get from your family or people on here, ultimately only you can make yourself better, by seeking out a therapist that works and listening to what they tell you.

Yes, I do understand how you feel, but try to see it as a positive thing, gently pointing you in the direction you need to go next.

[Tasha'93]

Well, everyone thinks it's worse for the simple reason that it is! The only real manifestation of it before was when I got a bit OCD about washing my hands for a few months when I was in the last year at primary school, probably as a reaction to the underlying uncertainty of leaving and going on to secondary, even though in my conscious mind I was fine with it and actually looking forward to it! That was a walk in the park compared to the last couple of months however, so I suppose everyone I've told about it simply has to take it seriously.

I'm glad that your Mum knows something about what you're going through (well, glad for you but not so much for her that she knows about anxiety in the first place!), but I can only say again to try not to take it personally if she sometimes gets short with you. I don't doubt for a moment that she loves you and wants you to be happy, but reassurance is usually based on "See, it's not so bad" or "Even if the worst happens, you'll deal with it because...", so falls flat when faced with the toxic irrationality of a serious phobia. No matter what she says, it will always fall short of the absolute reassurance that someone genuinely phobic about something will always, by definition, want to hear.

I know what you mean about feeling isolated - I was watching a quiz show recently and envied the contestants larking about, thinking, "You don't look ill and I bet you're not stressed out that the last meal you ate will come back up tonight are you?" However, the way to look at it is to take it as a metaphor of what needs to happen now. (Being such a serious theatre-goer, you're perfectly happy thinking in metaphors aren't you? ) The truth is that, however much reassurance and support you get from your family or people on here, ultimately only you can make yourself better, by seeking out a therapist that works and listening to what they tell you.

Yes, I do understand how you feel, but try to see it as a positive thing, gently pointing you in the direction you need to go next.

You're right, you really are.. I know it's only me and a therapist that can genuinely change this situation, but it's just so hard. I know I should think to myself "You know what Tasha, it's not just you.." and I do think that sometimes but when you feel that isolated and alone it's a bit easier said than done!

Hm, if only my theatrical side could get me through this, i'd be laughing wouldn't I! - Thanks again though, really. & now I have my date with my therapist, I really hope yours comes through ASAP too! We can share notes! Haha

[orton99]

Yes, we will compare notes in due course! Anyway, got to go and get myself something to eat now and go and check on the score in the Cup semi-final....(slight pause while I go to the BBC Sport site)...ha!! Utd are losing!! Got to go and catch the last few minutes of that one!!

Y'see, I wasn't joking when I said the other day that I've got lots of family links to Liverpool...

[Tasha'93]

Yes, we will compare notes in due course! Anyway, got to go and get myself something to eat now and go and check on the score in the Cup semi-final....(slight pause while I go to the BBC Sport site)...ha!! Utd are losing!! Got to go and catch the last few minutes of that one!!

Y'see, I wasn't joking when I said the other day that I've got lots of family links to Liverpool...

Fair enough! & come on CITY!