OT: Husbands

[princessmel]

I guess I really shouldn't even be posting thisb/c it is just going to make me obsess more over what's been going on lately with my husband. We just moved to Florida almost 3 months ago, and he started a fight with me that was really really bad. I don't want to get into details about it now. Anyway, for all of the women out there with boyfriends/husbands, what are the signs of cheating. I know each person and situation is different, but I'm sick of this paranoia I have now. I'm to the point where I don't know if it is me being paranoid or if it is him. Everyone's telling me to just let it go, but I can't. It's bothering me. I even did a search on the interet about cheating, and I think it made me worse b/c like I said each person is different and so is the situation. I don't want to start anything right now b/c for one, I have no proof. We just moved here and bought a condo, and I don't want to go home. I am all alone here though. It kind of sucks b/c he is working all of the time. Any suggestions on signs of cheating? Thanks[img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[skinnyme]

Well they do say to watch for his moods... If he is unusually happy all of the time and is wanting more sex all the time. But I do agree that people handle affairs all differently. Just try to keep tabs on his whereabouts and look for anything unusual about his habits or rituals. Keep us posted and hopefully things will get better for you.

[redapple]

I would say that you
just need to trust your gut instincts. Even if you do decide to
appear less paranoid and not to accuse him, still keep your inner eyes
peeled and trust your gut. You're right, every situation is
different, so I would just tell you (as a person who has been fooled in
the past), just make sure your trust in him doesn't override the trust
you have in yourself.



to me the most obvious signs are a sudden change in how he treats you or how much affection he gives you.



i will say a prayer that you feel strength and confidence in yourself, no matter the outcome



don't know if not knowing the situation we can be much help, but regardless feel free to vent at any time.</font>

[princessmel]

It just sucks b/c now I'm starting to do crazy things. Last night I called his work around 5:30, and they said he wasn't there, so I said that's it. I'm going there. Mind you he works at a gym as a personal trainer which I absolutely hate, but he is good at it. I got there around 6:30, and didn't see his car at all, so I, of course, freaked out and then I drove all the way to the beach which was out of my way. He wasn't there. As I was driving home, I kept thinking, he better be home. When I got home, he was home. I was in a pretty bad mood towards him, but I couldn't help it. He's driving me crazy now. He supposedly left at 6:15, and I just missed him. I guess the guy at the front desk didn't know that he was there which is true b/c they really don't keep tabs on the personal trainers, but now I'm so paranoid, I don't know what to believe anymore. I feel like I'm going nuts. I'm better now though. I'm working parttime and going to get a fulltime job. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet which I can do b/c I don't want to depend on him for anything, you know? I don't know. [img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]

[princessmel]

The way he treats me really hasn't changed that much and the affection either. You are right though about the gut instinct. I feel that he is, but then again, I don't know. I've been cheated on before, so I do know how it feels. What am I supposed to do? Spy on him? I just want to know the truth. Thanks for your advice.

[redapple]

Okay, well. If you've been cheated on before, this sort of
changes things. After I got cheated on, it totally changed how I
trusted people. Now, I've been with Jered for almost 2 years and
I know he would never cheat on me, deep down I know that. But in
the back of my mind is always lingering the thought 'he could be just
like the other a*holes I've seen in the past' So it could be just
trust issues you have from past relationships. Are there any
definite signs? Does he go out without you, or have bad
explanations for where he's been? Does he know the extent of your
worries about this?

[redapple]

btw I'm really glad you're getting a full time job now. That will
help you to meet people and to feel more confident.





And, yes, what you did yesterday was crazy, but love makes us
crazy. we've all been there, done that, and will probably be back
there again.

[img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img]

[2jo2]

I wouldn't spy on him... that's just going to create alot of mistrust and it's going to make you crazy. Can't youtalk to him about it? I know it seems simple, but I guess if it were me, I would just ask my husband, watch his reaction and see what he does. He's probably not going to admit it right there, that's not what I mean, but at least he'd know that you're on to him if he is being unfaithful. I'm glad you're going to make yourself more independent. Redapple's right, it'll make your confidence go sky high. Good luck!


P.S. I've been cheated on, and it sucks. Your trust goes out the window and it's always in the back of your mind. I hope this isn't the case for you.

[princessmel]

Thanks Redapple. He's only gone out without me once since we've been here, but he was ticked off at me. No bad explanations on where he's been. He knows the extent of my worries on this is trying to get me to stop the obessessiveness. I actually talked to him last night and told him exactly how I felt. I started digging around in his gym bag which I shouldn't have done. I've never done that before. That was wrong of me to do that.[img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img] The only thing I found in his bag was a message from someone at the front counter at the gym saying to call the number Dawn (another trainer there) left for him, but it could have been for a new client or something. I woke him up in the middle of the night and had it right in his face. He was pissed that I woke him up at 3:30 which I shouldn't have done either. She's married also, but to me, that doesn't matter. I don't know what to think. I just feel like I'm going crazy.[img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]

[jesskali]

I would have done the same thing as far as going to his work and looking through his bag. I think it is always wise to be aware of certain things.

I've been married 2 years and I trust my husband, but I occasionally look through the telephone #'s on his cell phone and peek in his wallet. He doesn't really mind that I do that, he just doesn't know why I'm doing it.

I think the others have given some good advice. A woman's intuition is a powerful thing!

Jess

[redapple]

You're not going crazy. You and your husband are in a new place,
meeting new people, and your trust in him and confidence isn't so great
because of times you've been betrayed in the past. Just apologize
to him for doing what you did last nite. Try to curb your
reactions from now on, but I think we all agree you should trust your
gut.



Yeah, it doesn't sound like he needs spied on. You've not
gone in to great detail, but it doesn't sound like there's concrete
evidence that points to cheating at this point. Just try to stay
calm and keep telling yourself "I have no real evidence, and if I do
ever find some, it will suck, but I will get through it."

[luckistar2]

Hello,


I have been there too and trust me when I tell you that your gut instinct are usually right. Of course, since you have been cheated on before you may be overly suspicious but something has happened in your relationship to set your mind working overtime.


I also would have gone through his stuff and went to his work. Crazy? Yes, but your mind won't rest until it is resolved.


I also recommend talking to your husband about your fears and thoughts. He should be understanding enough to help you work through them, assuming you are wrong.


Every situation is different but in my experience if you bring up the topic and your man is defensive there is a reason. Also, a lack of desire for sex can occur too, because of his guilt. He may also give you gifts (cards, flowers, etc.) more than usual, also because of guilt. I have also found that a change in behavior is a bad sign too. He may be quicker to argue or pick fights (it help him justify his behavior in his mind).


I am sure that if you do a web search you can find many, many lists of things to look for.


Good Luck.

[princessmel]

I think I'm just going to have to give him his space for right now. He's working 10-12 hours a day right now and is probably crabby. I need to worry about myself and not him for right now. I got so stressed out a few weeks ago where I was going to have him take me to the hospital. Severe body aches and major chills. It's not worth it. He's not really defensive. He just gets mad when I keep bringing up the same stuff. He still wants sex. He hasn't been overly nice like buying me gifts or anything. He really doesn't pick fights except when I'm leaving my usual messes around the house. He's probably over tired. Maybe I should just let it go for now. Thanks for the advice guys. Some more would be nice if you guys can give some. We are in a new place, and I'm feeling insecure and less confident. There is more to it, but I would have to write a book. I will have to write more later.

[skinnyme]

Princessmel~~ I would love to hear about it all and offer some support if you don't mind. Sometimes I feel like this place is the only place I can come to for support about things. I tend to write posts completely off topic, but I kind of like that. So if you feel like posting it go ahead, it seems like you want to.

[princessmel]

I'm at work right now, so it might be hard to write it all right now. Give me a little bit, so I can get some work done and then I'll write the big story.lol I'm just tired of it. [img]smileys/smilies_12.gif[/img]

[skinnyme]

By the way... Do you and hubby have any children?

[princessmel]

No. We don't have any children, thank goodness. I think I'm going to buy that Spector Pro to put on our computer. He thinks that by him not going out, he's in the clear, but he's not. I want to know what he's doing on that damn computer. I guess this post should have been put in Husbands and Computers, but the computer has a lot to do with the problem also. It's been going on for three years. Stupid, stupid me. My mom told me she thought something was wrong. I should have listened to her.

[skinnyme]

Yes, thank God no children. I say go ahead and buy the software to see what he is up to. There is nothing wrong with snooping since you have reason to believe he is not being faithful to you. See what you find and then decide if he is worth staying married to. There are millions of men out there who would not cheat and you do not deserve to be treated like that. Whatever his excuse is about the situation, its unacceptable to be doing things behing your back.

[princessmel]

Yeah. You are right. No matter what I did or whatever, there's no reason for him to treat me that way. I don't care what he says. I'm just really upset b/c I know I'm not going to find anything good on there.