I think I'm getting worse again

[mum1st]

I realised my odd behaviour had a name a number of years ago now ( I used to think I was the only one) and after getting to the lowest of the low (long story) I was forced to see my doctor and took antiDs and was sent to CBT. This helped a lot, but my CBT was cut short when my psychologist was laid off, and I wasn't at the top of the list any more, being semi-fixed....
I eventually came off the AntiDs, and moved on in life. The emetophobia never went away, but was manageable.

My new husband initially was supportive, but I think he tired of my issues. I have 3 children, and at my worst almost lost my eldest. I put on a brave face for them, but fair play they are usually good and take care of themselves, the older 2, aged 8 and 5.

My youngest, 18mths, got sick yesterday for the first time. She was fine 5mins later, I'm still not. Shes not sleeping, and I've spent the last couple of hours trying to settle her, but the whole time thinking, she's gonna be ill on me... its infectious, we will all get it.... I have this feeling of dread, and sickness through probably panicking. I feel heavy weights on my shoulders and chest. I think about suicide occasioanlly, to escape, have gone as far as driving to a bridge in the middle of the night, but the thought of my kids brought me home.

Ever since my youngest was born I worry daily that she's going to die, every day I wake up with a horrible feeling in my stomach if she's not up and shouting before me. I will lay there panicking, too scared to look. If hubby goes first I wait anxiously for him to tell me alls ok, but im expecting the opposite.

I'm not sure if what I've got now is just emetophobia, or some other anxiety problem. I feel dread a lot, for no reason most the time. I panic a lot. I worry about tons of stuff.
I'm fearful of approaching doctors, more for the fact my husband will not be understanding. I can't face the route of AntiDs again, they knocked me for 6 to start with, and again hubby wouldnt approve.
I want to be a better mum to my youngest. I am not close to my eldest because of my problems. We get along, we get by, but I don't feel she is my daughter. I would hate for this to happen again.
Please offer me some help/advice.

[Jill in Apartment 413]

Well as much as this is going to sound insenstive but you need to forget what your husband is and isn't supportive of. YOU need to help YOURSELF. That's my opinion. If I once stopped to think what people thought of me being in therapy, being on medication, seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist and a social worker, then I would not be where I am today.

It really sounds like you need to talk to someone, especially a professional. I know it's hard and you want your husband's support, but do you really want to end up in the hospital or dead? Trust me honey, I've been there. I even was addicted to drugs at one point because that was the only way I could cope with the emet, the only way I could cope with my life. I got help and I am doing amazing, and if I run into anyone who looks at me weird, or critisizes me for doing so, I drop kick their butt out of my life.

I am not trying to be mean, but sometimes someone needs to light a fire under your butt. Tough love. I want you to get help, just reading this post worried me. Please, find someone you can talk to, anyone. Hell, if you want to talk to me, send me a PM. Like I said, I've been there. I've been hospitalized, on many meds to find the right ones, and in therapy for YEARS. I know what it can do, I know you need support, and if you can't get it anywhere else I swear you can come to me. DON'T GIVE UP! Please get help for the sake of yourself and your family!

[cinque]

Just wanted to say welcome to the forum and I am sorry you are having such a tough time. Sounds like you are experiencing a lot of anxiety at the moment. I hope everything has settled down now. I think you should perhaps try to make your husband understand that you want some assistance with this. By explaining how you're feeling and how you want to feel better and get better. Even write a letter if that helps?

Things don't have to be this bad. If you can't stand the thought of antidepressants (and there may be better ones out there - maybe the ones you had just didn't agree with you) then there's therapy, counselling, cognitive behavioural therapy...people do get cured of this...and even if that doesn't happen immediately then I really think you'd get a lot of relief from it, managing your anxiety better, feeling better on an every day basis. I'm guessing you're British but may be wrong. CBT etc is available on the NHS. I think it would be worth seeing your GP

[emmalinda]

im sorry your feeling like this. i know its a horrible worthless feeling. If you need to go on anti depressants then you need to tell your husband that its for your health and there is nothing wrong with them! It kind of sounds like anxiety and depression to me. that lifeluss dull feeling day in and day out. go to your doc and im sure you'll be put on meds and sent to a phsycologist. its so worth it darl. please go. i really think you could rekindle your relationship with your child if you do this. my mum had severe depression when i was young and it affected my realtionship greatly and im an adult now. its definatley worth going. Has your husband noticed a difference? Please talk to him about it. As fr as your emetophobia goes, it sounds like you'd be handling it very well if you did have it. The kids getting sick could be bringing up supressed memories of your emetophobe days. Just know that you may not get sick at all. babies and toddlers are always susceptable to getting these kinds of things.