Fed Up With Emet Wife Update

[maycontainnuts]

I see a moderator went ahead and closed my original thread even though the therapist on this site, Sage, said twice to leave it open. Not a problem, that's what the start a new thread option is for.

I went to visit my wife today for the first time since she was admitted. I needed a break from her, and I have to be honest and say it was really nice not having her around. Gave me and the kids a break from her chronic whining about not feeling good and it gave me a chance to finally get a cleaning service in to have the place properly cleaned and organized. Finally my children and I have a home that looks and smells like a home. I even got rid of the mattress she lived on 24/7 because she wore it out and it stunk of sweat because she rarely showered anymore.

Not a big surprise to find out she's not been cooperating with the treatment. She refuses to eat or participate in anything, she only wants everyone to leave her alone and let her stay in bed because, " I'm too tired and sick to do anything, why can't you people understand?!!! " That's a direct quote from her. The staff is not allowing her to stay in bed, part of her treatment is to go jogging every day, apparently that's the single best, most effective treatment for depression and lethargy, better than antidepressants. She refuses to even try but even so, the staff locks her out of her room during the day. If she refuses to participate in the prescribed treatment, she has to sit on a hard chair and stay awake. If she nods off, someone wakes her.

She is refusing to eat unless she can wash or use hand sanitizer but they won't let her, that goes against the treatment plan, nobody gets to wash their hands before eating. She refuses to touch the food at all because she doesn't trust it. A nurse told me they'll let her keep this up for a week at most, at which point they will force-feed her.

She told me she hates me and refused the flowers I brought for her so I gave them to the receptionist at the front desk of the facility. I told her I love her and that I did this for all of us but especially for her. I told her we're waiting at home for her when she gets better. I reminded her that if she doesn't get better she'll go home to an empty house. And I left. What else could I do.

I really want to thank everyone who extended their support to me, on the other thread and in PM, it really means a lot to be understood, and I really appreciate it, so thank you very much. I will do my best to keep you updated on my wife's progress and with any luck, I hope to post some positive updates and have a happy ending. For now, I have to hold on to some shred of hope.

[C'est la Vie]

Maycontainnuts;

I feel your frustration. If I had to live with someone like myself, I'd drive myself ballistic and probably go insane myself. I think you truly do love your wife and care about your family, but at the same time, you're obviously extremely frustrated that there seems to be no "light" at the end of the tunnel.

However, I feel like there could be other ways to handle this situation. I'm not saying that you don't have the right to post on here, because there's no rules against you seeking support for your wife here. But there are some comments that are sometimes offensive to other emets, although you're not targeting anybody and you're not intentionally trying to hurt anybody, some people are sensitive to certain comments.

How old are your children? Do you think they'd feel comfortable, talking to their mom? My mom struggled with alcohol abuse when I was younger. The only reason she made her way out of it? Was after my siblings and I talked to her, and expressed our feelings and fear for her.

I do feel for you, and if you need anything please feel free to PM me because I'd love to help or if you simply need to vent, go ahead. I hope I'm not being too rude or harsh with this post, I'm just expressing some thoughts? I don't know. Sorry if I was harsh.

It sounds like she's in a horrid place with emetophobia right now, and I truly feel sorry for you and your family, and your wife of course. I can't imagine how low she must be feeling, and I can only imagine how frustrated and also sad you must be feeling, having to see your wife like this and having her not respond to the treatment.

I believe that if you keep going, you'll get to the light at the end of the tunnel. I sound really cheesy and stupid, my bad... but hope you know what I mean.

xo
Rae

[Raige]

My wife is emetophobic and has a difficult time leaving the house some days. I have a job I can do from home, so I set up a home office and work there 90% of the time this way I can be home and help her and take care of the kids on the days she can't. It's really about compromise and being flexible enough to make the necessary changes to accommodate this like one would any disability.

I love my wife more than life itself. Do I get frustrated and fed up some days? Sure. I'm human, I'm not perfect, and I have a breaking point. Some days I'm not very nice to her. But I will never leave her nor will I abandon her. I will never give up on her or us.

I do make sure I get out of the house regularly and have plenty of "me" time, otherwise I probably would be like the OP. It's all about balance.

[Cupcake x]

My wife is emetophobic and has a difficult time leaving the house some days. I have a job I can do from home, so I set up a home office and work there 90% of the time this way I can be home and help her and take care of the kids on the days she can't. It's really about compromise and being flexible enough to make the necessary changes to accommodate this like one would any disability.

I love my wife more than life itself. Do I get frustrated and fed up some days? Sure. I'm human, I'm not perfect, and I have a breaking point. Some days I'm not very nice to her. But I will never leave her nor will I abandon her. I will never give up on her or us.

I do make sure I get out of the house regularly and have plenty of "me" time, otherwise I probably would be like the OP. It's all about balance.

Your wife is lucky to have a husband like you!

[andee]

Great post Raige! We all appreciate your input and understanding. Your wife is lucky!

[emmalinda]

your doing the right thing maycontainnuts. im glad you helped your wife out with this. she will probably be against all the treatment and angry with everyone making her do this, but once shes settled into a different kind of routine, she will get used to it and appreciate it. It would feel like its a bit more relaxed and stress free at home seeing as i believe certain people can bring a different kind of 'tension' in the air. I think what would be a goo idea, is to think of that woman you once feel in love with and wanted to marry and how good it will be to have her back. How old are your kids? Are they able to visit her??

[KaydeeJayde]

I agree, I hope the kids can visit her. If not right now, maybe when she's a little more stable. They need to be able to see her, I'm sure they'll miss her.

I really hope she makes some progress there and that it doesn't make her even worse, for her sake and the children's.

[finlady]

I agree with emmalinda, although she may not see it right now, your wife WILL appreciate this someday. As hard as I am sure it was for you to do, it was the right thing. The treatment seems harsh, and your wife is probably furious with you and the world because she is there, but don't take that personally. You are giving her a second chance at life. I hope you and your children are coping well, and that your wife realizes sooner than later the good you are doing for your family.

[mightyquinn]

Your family is in my thoughts - just a tough situation all around. I hope she gets the help she needs and sometimes the hardest decissions are the right decissions.

[cinque]

It's so scary. It reads like it is a cautionary tale written exactly for us

Are you sure you trust the hospital and what they are doing? To me it sounds like such an extreme form of emetophobia that it might be PTSD. Do you know anything about that condition?

I worry that being force-fed could make things all worse. PTSD definitely? Especially if she has a sensitive gag reflex as many emets do. Is it even legal?

Who is the ward treating? Is it mainly people with OCD seeing as the universal rule is nobody is to wash their hands before eating?

Does she have her personal belongings with her? I know it's silly to think of that but does she have enough clothes? I mean I guess you packed for her and it can be hard for men to think about women's clothes and pack the right things for her?

Even down to things like does she have enough Socks? I mean she'd probably need seven pairs, at least, if they are doing her laundry weekly? Perhaps you could take her even more in?

Quite francly I'm concerned by this whole thing. Sorry if my grammar is a bit all over the place; this genuinely is such a scary notion.

[KaydeeJayde]

I completely agree with Cinque. Me, I don't even know this woman and I'm assuming she's halfway around the world from me, but I'm genuinely concerned for her. I'm done with my thoughts on her husband, this isn't the place, but I so hope she's getting the right treatment and this doesn't make it even worse for her. What are you going to do, maycontainnuts, if the treatment makes her worse? If you leave her, you'll be leaving her for something you inflicted upon her, and that doesn't seem right to me. I'm not trying to start an argument, but I really, really hope this is the right thing for her, and if it's not, I fear for her. She and her children will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[JadeNight]

What are you going to do, maycontainnuts, if the treatment makes her worse? If you leave her, you'll be leaving her for something you inflicted upon her, and that doesn't seem right to me.

I cannot begin to describe how good of a point that is..

[MrParker]

I feel for you buddy and your wife, you and her are going through a rough time, I hope all goes well.

[hsbbd]

I truly wish you and your family all of the best, maycontainnuts, and I really appreciate your ability to start a much less accusatory forum (probably the reason it was removed in the first place, too much hostility). Understand that we still and probably always will fear for your wife and anyone who is in the situation that she is in because we too know what it is like to confront a phobia without the ability to escape. Please continue to post your wife's and family's progress in a manner that we all can respect (so as to not start anymore arguments) because we all want to hear about it, success or failure and to help you through the ups and downs of it all. As several others have offered, feel free to PM me if you need any support and do not want it to be public.

[jenna23]

As many others have said here, I feel for you and your family. The way I see it, it's all very well just using the excuse, "Oh I'm emetophobic, don't make me do this," whenever you don't want to do something for whatever reason, but it's only going to make you worse. To a certain extent, yes, some are more "weak" in their strength to fit the illness, but when it gets to this point, we're bringing it upon ourselves.
It does seem to me that refusing to see what you're doing to a family by these behaviours is by far more selfish than committing her against her will. It sounds as though had you not done this, she would not have changed her behaviours at all. It often takes a strong wake up call to shock someone into trying to get help; whether it's being forcibly sectioned, or reading your last thread, and realising what we could become in the future if we don't change our habits now.
As I said in PM, thank you.

[pebm1979]

This is absolutely heartbreaking to me...It scares me more than words can express...What if this is how i end up one day? Will my husband ever give up on me and have me commited? What a scary thought...I truly hope everthing works out for you and your family..Please dont give up on your wife..She needs you now more than ever..Prayers are being sent your way..

[becca44]

I still dont agree with what this man did. It sounds like a victoran insanity asylum, outdated and cruel. I think treatment should start slow at her own pace even if recovery takes much longer. I dont think any of us on here need to worry that we will end up like this poor woman. We recognise what we have and it seems most of us have asked for help and are undergoing therapy of some sort or taking meds to help control this phobia and the associated anxieties, all of us on here seem to lead busy and fulfilling lives, we can control it. This woman must be frightened out of her mind, taken away from her home which is her safe place, away from her children and betrayed by her husband, and he did betray her by saying she had attempted suicide when she hadnt. Im not disputing the fact that she has some serious mental health issues, she most definately does but i dont think having her committed is the way to go. I do feel sympathy for her husband as he has had a lot to tolerate and it sounds like she has been unwell for a long time, my heart goes out to her children. She may end up worse by being treated like this and could attempt suicide, as for being force fed, it is evil, gentle encouragement is needed surely? As for being forced to sit on a hard chair and go jogging, wtf???? Im not going to read or respond to any more of this thread as it makes me both very angry and very sad. I cant belive that mentally ill people are being treated like this in 2011.

[jenna23]

Im not going to read or respond to any more of this thread as it makes me both very angry and very sad. I cant belive that mentally ill people are being treated like this in 2011.

If you said all this in the previous thread, you might question why you've come here just to repeat yourself.

[iNurtureTheOdd]

The treatment sounds similar to that in those eating disorder clinics. It sounds cruel, but the alternative is the person dies because they are slowly literally killing themselves. This may very well be the case with this man's wife. Someone has to step in when the "sick" person can't help themselves for whatever reason.

It's never a fun or easy decision to force a loved one into any kind of treatment against their will, but sometimes it's necessary because it's the only thing that just might save their life, literally.

Like any other ignored illness, emetophobia obviousy CAN get this bad. Maybe it is a lesson to those of us who put off getting treatment or who think we can manage it on our own without professsional help.

[KaydeeJayde]

To a certain extent, yes, some are more "weak" in their strength to fit the illness, but when it gets to this point, we're bringing it upon ourselves.

Excuse me, but I was as bad as this poor, poor woman sounds a few years back, WHILE I was getting treatment. How dare you tell me I was bringing it upon myself. I don't want an answer to this at all, I just hope you realize that it can still be bad, even with therapy. I had to get worse before I got any better.

Maycontainnuts, I'm still interested to hear the answer to the question I asked before: What are you going to do if the treatment makes her worse, which it may well do? From what I can tell, these drastic treatments are risky and have a smaller chance that HUMANE treatments of success. If you leave her, you'll be leaving her for something you inflicted upon her, and that's disgusting.

[Raige]

Maycontainnuts, I'm still interested to hear the answer to the question I asked before: What are you going to do if the treatment makes her worse, which it may well do? From what I can tell, these drastic treatments are risky and have a smaller chance that HUMANE treatments of success. If you leave her, you'll be leaving her for something you inflicted upon her, and that's disgusting.

I'm not speaking for him but he did say he was taking the kids and leaving if she didn't get better.

I have to respectfully disagree with you on the point that if he leaves her it's for something he inflicted upon her. He didn't inflict emetophobia on her, or her unwillingness to get help. He forced her into treatment. How is that a bad thing? If she gets worse, it's because she refuses to partake in the treatment that is designed to make her better. That's not his fault, if we're laying blame, it's her fault. She is the selfish one in this case. As a mother and a wife, she owes it to her children and husband to at least try her damndest to do whatever it takes to get better. If he leaves her, it's her fault, not his.

And another point, if this man is fed up, whether or not the wife gets better, why does he have to stay in a marriage that he is not happy with and live a life of a marter? You may not like it, but he has every right to be happy, so if life with her is not making him happy, it's his choice and right to leave. Who are you to tell him otherwise? Would you nail yourself to the cross and sacrifice yourself for a person who "checked out" emotionally and refuses to change? You don't really know just how excruciatingly difficult it is to live with someone who is sick all the time (real or imagined) and who is completely dependent on you like a child. Especially when what they have is treatable. It's easy to say, "I would never do that" but when you're actually living on this side of the emetophobic fence, it's a whole different story. And I love and support my wife, I'm not going to leave her. So if I feel like this, and I'm not fed up, I'm not going anywhere, imagine someone who is at the end of his rope. Try to see the other person's point of view for a change.

[maycontainnuts]

Maycontainnuts, I'm still interested to hear the answer to the question I asked before: What are you going to do if the treatment makes her worse, which it may well do? From what I can tell, these drastic treatments are risky and have a smaller chance that HUMANE treatments of success. If you leave her, you'll be leaving her for something you inflicted upon her, and that's disgusting.

What planet are you on? You sound like my wife defending emet to the end! She made me this way, not the other way around. The place is reputable and has a high success rate. This is the last chance, if it doesn't work, me and the kids are leaving.

[kellybeth]

I do think your wife needs inpatient treatment, however, it seems like the treatment she is getting is a little harsh. This phobia causes people to become stubburn. I understand that they are trying to get her past the hump of not eating and getting out of bed. But when I was at my worst and not eating for days or weeks at a time there would be NO WAY I could go for a jog. That is just crazy. They cant think that she can just go from being how she was to jogging and enjoying life. She needs to take baby steps. Maybe one day just sitting outside and the next day going for a short walk. As for being locked out of her room and being forced to sit in a chair??? That is NOT a good idea. She has gone there for help and needs a safe place (her room) and to be locked out is just plain mean.

I am so sad for your wife. I am also sad for you. I know how hard it is to be an Emet I also know how hard it is to live with one. When I was at my worst and still living at home I saw what pain I was causing my Mom. I become nasty, stubborn and selfish. She did everything she knew how to do to help me. But she ended up just about commiting me.

I really help she gets better for your sake, hers, and your children.

[Raige]

As a follow up to my original response, it's not that I don't understand maycontainnuts' anger and frustration. I do. All too well. I live a mirror-image of his life. It's hell. But my point was that some of us find a way to make it work.

Having said that, fear renders people paralyzed, so I understand how difficult and frightening it is for emetophobes to go out of their comfort zone, give up control, and get better. I get that. But, those of you who suffer with this affliction must take responsibility for yourselves and make an honest effort at recovery. You owe it to the people you love and to yourself. Emetophobia is not a chronic, lifelong condition, unless you make it that by becoming too comfortable in your discomfort. I remind my wife of that when she'd rather give in to her fear than challenge it and make a bit of progress.

It's difficult being the husband, the support person, trying to find a healthy balance between understanding/support and encouragement/loving kick in the ass. I can only speak for my wife and our situation, but if I become TOO understanding and TOO supportive, I end up killing her with kindness, if you know what I mean. We all need a push if we're going to overcome anything challenging. That's not being cruel, that's showing love.

[hadenough]

RAIGE i see your point BUT honestly the sound of the place she is at is just terrifying, i am bad at this point in time due to a lot of stress and emotional stuff going on but even when i wasnt that bad the thought of being locked out of my room and not being able to wash my hands before i eat would send me off the rails and i wouldnt do what they said either.

Like kellybeth said get her to sit ouside and then walk and stuff but to push so hard straight off is not going to work.

I am lucky i have a very supportive husband who is here for me and yes will give me the loving kick up the butt but he also knows if i am really bad he has to do the gently approach and even the gently approach will make me try harder.

[cinque]

Could you afford to leave her though? I imagine you'd need to get a house for you and the children then? I guess what I'm getting at is not many people can afford two houses. I hope you're not planning to make her homeless?

[maycontainnuts]

Could you afford to leave her though? I imagine you'd need to get a house for you and the children then? I guess what I'm getting at is not many people can afford two houses. I hope you're not planning to make her homeless?

She doesn't work so she couldn't keep up with the bills to maintain a house, and what would one person who spends her life in a bed need a whole house for? I will be staying in the house with the children, that makes sense. I won't leave her homeless. In the short term she can stay in the house and I will take the children and we'll stay elsewhere. I will help her get a case worker who can help her get disability benefits or some other kind of assistance as well as subsidized housing if necessary.

I cannot afford to maintain two separate households no, nor am I required to. What kind of person stays in a bad marriage just because they can't afford to leave? I can afford to leave, and I can afford to take very good care of my children, what I can't afford is to finance her lifestyle. I may have to pay some alimony in the short term until she gets settled, after that, legally and morally I'm clear. I have done more than most people in my situation would do so if it comes down to me leaving, my conscience is clear and I can face my children with that when they get older and need to know why mom and dad split.

[orton99]

I know we’re not quite comparing like with like here as not all the people who commented on the original thread are doing so on this one, but I think it’s fascinating how different the tone of most of these responses is compared to first time around. The anger of a lot of the original replies seems to have been replaced with an acceptance that, whatever the rights and wrongs of the situation, the one thing most of us seem able to agree on is that it’s a very sad lesson of how far this phobia can go if left untreated. And if it inspires some who haven’t yet attempted treatment to give it a try then isn’t that a good thing?

Another change, which I’m very relieved to note, is that there seems to be a much wider sense of a bigger picture here, that this horrible phobia can cause almost as many problems for those closest to us as for ourselves and that, as I said in one of my replies on the first thread, we can’t assume that we’re entitled to limitless support and understanding without at least making some effort in return. I didn’t get that sense with some of the negative posts first time round and even if the poster did always recognise that it was hard to get past the anger to tell.

Doug pointed out (and I did as well as it happens although as that post was the last one before the original thread got locked I don’t think anyone saw it, lol!) something that may well be true, that a lot of the anger towards the OP was maybe driven by fear as the situation described, of a SO finally snapping and saying that they can’t deal with it any more, is actually the worst nightmare of more than a few on here and that’s why the whole topic touched such a raw nerve.

But anyway, phew! Maybe I’m not quite as disillusioned with this forum as I was a few days ago…!

[canadianreject]

My lord. What year are we in? They make her sit on a HARD CHAIR? I'm sorry, I hadn't realized she was a child in timeout. That is absolutely ridiculous, I question the professionalism of this treatment centre. I am a recovered emet, and I can certainly tell you that if someone had thrown me into an institution at my worst, I would have likely failed.

You CANNOT, at least for most, take away all of the things that makes someone comfortable all at one time. Just like MOST smokers fail if they just quit smoking cold turkey (not all, but many). I feel so very sorry for your wife, and all I sense is anger from you. This is a time for compassion. Of course she's going to be upset !

My heart aches for her, and I certainly hope she finds peace.

[IceMaiden]

It's obvious maycontainnut's main concern is his children, I don't think his wife's treatment in this place is a humane way to treat someone, however I can't recommend to him anywhere that would be better, it's like sage has said, not a lot of research has gone into emetophobia and unfortunately there's not set way to cure it.
I think he has made a few unfair assumptions about emetophobics as a whole, but he's only lived with one extreme emtophobic and probably doesn't realise we're not all cabbages.
Maycontainnuts, it's not your wife's fault she has emetophobia, or depression, it sounds like she got in a rut and doesn't know how to get out of it. You're doing the right thing by taking your children away from it, otherwise they'll grow up with the image of their mother petrified and dirty in her bed all day everyday, and I don't think she'd want that.
My best wishes to you and all your family.