How Selfish is too Selfish?

[rkeipper84]

I have been with my husband for the past nine years. He is a wonderful man that loves me despite the fact that I am a emet. My questions is, if I know that there is no way handle a pregnancy or care for a child, is it fair to stay married to him? I know he says that he is ok with it, but he also talks all the time that in time, I will get over this enough to do motherly duties. I don't think this is true. So should I leave? Let him have a chance to have a family of his own?

[Darnelle.Allie]

I think you should listen if he says he is ok with it. If he gets to the point where he is really unhappy I'm sure he will let you know.

[TheSweetThinker]

There's always the option of adoption if you really feel you cannot handle pregnancy....and since you're husband's not an emet, he could probably be the one to "clean up" after the child if she/he were to get sick! Having him do that wouldn't make you any less of a mother, though, so don't worry about it.

I understand that a majority of couples would want a biological family together, so not all of them are too wild about the idea of adoption....but honestly, my cousin Chloe was adopted from China, and she fit right in with our family, we all loved her immediately! You can still have a fulfilling family through adoption; a child is a child is a child, and like the Beatles said, all you need is love. Personally I think it would be tragic to end a happy marriage over your phobia, and it seems like in the end, both you and your husband would probably be unhappy if you were to separate.

But perhaps you don't have to worry about morning sickness with pregnancy to begin with....plenty of women never suffer from it, there are many ways to stifle it should it ever occur (with Preggie Pops and Sea Band bracelets), and I'm sure you could get a prescription for Zofran (an anti-emetic) if you're truly worried about it.

Hope this helped! Just be sure to give yourself (and your husband) a chance with this; there are so many other more promising solutions to your problem than separation.

[Paisley]

I don't think you should leave but I do think you two should consider therapy. In my opinion, it would be a good idea to talk to a professional who can help the two of you deal with this very important life decision in a positive way that works for the two of you, rather than living life feeling like one of you is selfish while the other is sacrificing what they really want.

Who knows, a therapist may help you realize that while you think you can't handle it, you really can. Or they may help your husband realize that he really doesn't want children after all. It's amazing what comes out in therapy sometimes.

[sage]

I agree with Paisley! (of course - lol)

[KelleighNicole]

I don't think leaving should be an option. You two obviously built a relationship on love and trust, and not your phobia. One day, you will have beat this thing, and you don't want to look at it as your phobia destroyed what could've potentially been a life long partnership. I have been emetophobic since age 7 and I have not v* since age 12. I am now 24. I used to think I could never have a family. But during a time when my phobia was at ease and I was doing well with my anxiety, I decided I wanted babies. Luckily I had no morning sickness, either pregnancy. It'd been a few years until my phobia kicked into full force again, but that was just recently. My babies are both healthy and don't get sick often luckily, but I am not afraid of other people getting sick, just myself. I thought it'd be a lot worse than it is. I think it's just like our fear in general, because when we actually do v*, it's terrible but not as bad as we thought originally. My daughter v*'d in February and I panicked knowing she was going to do it, but when it happened I just held her and felt her pain and I was fine, I was surprised.