I'm a mess and I know it.
I’m unsure when this problem of mine began. My earliest memory is when I was in elementary school, and a kid in the classroom I had to go to next had gotten ill, and they didn’t clean it up until after I arrived. I was petrified, nervous, and disgusted but I didn’t want to show it, so I pretended like nothing was wrong. My next memory was in middle school. In 7th and 8th grade we were kids. We didn’t know what to do when we were about to be sick, or our parents just thought us telling them we didn’t feel good was a way to stay home from school. I remember a lot of kids getting sick in the middle of class. I’d come home that day from school and cry to my mom. I would find any way possible to skip the next day of school, in fear that that person who had gotten sick would be there the next day. I did anything I could to stay away from that person so I wouldn’t catch whatever they had that made them sick. Then in high school, any day I didn’t witness someone getting sick would be considered a very good day.
In these years of my life, I always knew I had a problem/fear of this. But I never thought it would be as extreme as it is now. As I think back about it, I remember getting sick, and then days, weeks, and months later I would refuse to wear any clothes that I wore the day that it happened. I’d refuse to ever eat the same foods, or do the same things that I did on that day.
Now I am in college, and I’m living away from home. I’m a junior. And this condition is worse than I ever thought was possible. This past year, I had gotten sick for the first time since around 2002. Ever since then, I’ve been having non-stop anxiety attacks in fear that it will happen again. I’ve been prescribed Xanax to calm my nerves a little bit, but it only helps so much. I wake up every day with a lump in my throat. Every time I get a stomach ache, the automatic thought of getting sick comes to mind. I also suffer from a form of acid reflex called Barretts Esophagus. It causes pain in my upper stomach, which makes me feel sick to my stomach and causes nausea and anxiety. I know I need help for this, and I know there is no cure, and at this point in my life, it is starting to stop me from doing things that I enjoy doing. It is preventing me from having fun in college, because all I do is worry.
I understand that many, if not all of you suffer from this same phobia, and I was just wondering if there is ANYTHING that anyone does to slow down the anxiety and worry that I get every day of my life. I would appreciate any responses. Thank you.
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