Phobia Getting Worse

[punkieveggie]

I’ve sat here staring at the blank message box for a good 10 or 20 minutes before I could think of anything to say, so I figure I’ll just start typing and see what comes out of it and if anyone can help, or offer advice to me.
I’m an 18 year old senior in high school, living in Hawaii and my phobia has gotten worse. I want to get treatment before I go to college next year, but where I live there aren’t a lot of competent doctors or therapists and certainly NONE that I know of that have ever dealt with emetophobics.
It’s becoming really difficult and frustrating for me to cope with my phobia lately. I do a good job most of the time hiding the outward signs of panic attacks and rationalizing with myself, to the point where most of my close friends and family wouldn’t even KNOW that I had a phobia in the first place if I hadn’t told them. Despite being able to outwardly keep it together I’ve noticed that my panic attacks and triggers have been increasing over the course of this year. It used to be that I could go for months without even thinking about vomiting or any of my fears, and if I DID happen to think about them I could find a way to dismiss them. That’s not the case anymore, it seems like the better I’ve gotten at “coping” the worse the fears have gotten. Now I think about my fears at least every week and often every day. When I eat out, even at restaurants I’ve eaten at a million times without any trouble I still have to talk myself down during and afterwards. I can’t be around sick people, I get uncomfortable in crowds, sometimes I can’t even WATCH TV SHOWS where cartoon characters or actors are vomiting without closing my eyes and plugging my ears, thats new to me. I used to love roller coasters and amusement parks but now I’m scared to even ride the rides at the county fair because I might get sick! I’ve lived with this phobia for about as long as I can clearly remember and it’s never been as bad as this. I feel so hopeless and I don’t know what to do.
Just yesterday I was driving in the car with a friend of mine, laughing and joking around and suddenly I had a coughing fit and then all of a sudden I felt sick and I thought “I’m going to throw up”, I had a terrible panic attack right there behind the wheel. I had to pull over at a convenience store and buy mints and gum for myself before I could even get behind a wheel. For me, in the grips of a mind blowing panic attack, throwing up is a fate worse than death and I am literally inconsolable until I feel better. I haven’t thrown up in over 10 years. After the panic attack ebbed off I just felt exhausted and completely ashamed with myself I can’t even explain why. I’m really sick of living this way but I don’t know what to do. The shame is also a new thing that I didn’t feel before, but now it seems like every time I have a bad attack of anxiety connected with my phobia I just feel absolutely horrible afterwards.
Next year I’m going to be going off to college and I feel like I should be getting better but its just getting worse.

[Euphony]

Dear punkieveggie,

I totally understand everything you said in your post.

Only words of encouragement I can give you are these - I have been living in my cocoon for over a year now, but three weeks ago I moved 3000 miles in Stockholm, where I am attending my MA studies. My point is, we need to get out of our comfort zone, because we are missing all the wonderful things in life, which is one and only. I have had today a huge panic attack, and being alone in foreign country doesn't help a lot. During the day I have really questioned will I menage this on my own, or at least to try and menage it, because I have a chance of a life time and I don't want it to slip trough my fingers because of neurosis.

What I am doing is writing down feelings and things which provoke them, so when I sometimes encounter something similar or exact I can find comfort from previous experience.

I know it is hard, I have hard time as well, but if don't try to tackle this we will be always asking what if...

Let us know how are things going!!!

I know exactly how you feel, but every little step you make is one closer to recovery. As for uni., you can try it and see how you cope with it outside the comfort zone, it's never to late to take a uni if you can't fight the phobia.

[olschesky]

i totally relate to everything you've written. i have always kept my anxiety attacks mostly hidden from everyone.......i didn't know that how i felt had a name until a few years ago when i found this site.....since coming here i have told my mother, sisters and husband and a few close friends. i don't really like to talk about it because it seems tomake me more anxious.....but they know when to leave me alone with my anxiety.

i've never been for therapy for emet......but went years ago because i became a little agoraphobic and was really interfering with my life and work. they put me on prozac.....it's been my life saver. my panics are few and far between........and my thoughts are not so obsessive about vomit. so maybe you could just talk to your regular doctor and tell him about the strong anxiety and panic and see what he says.

i know that for some people coming to this forum sparks their emet anxiety.....i seem to feel quite the opposite......i havent panic posted but i do find comfort in reading others successes and trying to offer help to those who are in a scary place......

just keep pushing yourself......don't let the emet hold you back......you've gone 10 years without being ill.....so why not 10 more years?? or even longer??

find good distractions when you do panic.......something to push the thoughts away.

sounds like you've got a good handle on it already.......keep going