the rare times i would get sick as a kid it was always terrifying, but i didnt become phobic until i was maybe 12. i was bad as a teen...had panic attacks hearing people talk about it, would avoid places with drunk people, would snap at people who would say "i dont feel good" (and most of the time it was just a cold or something stupid!)
ive come along since then...and this was by myself...drunk people/people who worked out at the gym too hard/people with confirmed food poisoning throwing up dont bother me, i can watch jackass without crying (though ill usually leave the room if steve-o is performing...) i can use the same bathroom someone threw up in a day after as long as im positive its not contagious...a whole lot less neurotic in general. one thing i cant shake is my paralyzing fear of the stomach flu
but im back in nj, where stomach flus run rampant 4 times a year. im literally a psycho bitch during flu season. i nag my family members, always afraid they wont take me seriously and will end up getting me sick. unless its the middle of summer, i never touch and try to avoid babies and small children as much as possible. my boyfriend jokes about taking me on a cruise, but he knows i'll never go for that reason. i avoid public bathrooms year long and in the fall-spring i don't hug/shake hands with/touch just about anyone or anything. the worst part is just going through day to day life seeing people being disgusting, spreading their germs, hearing stories of outbreaks and negligence...it just builds up to where i have panic attacks every night.
now im getting older and thinking of having a family someday...as great as it would be to raise a kid 99% of the time, i think children are disgusting balls of filth who cant keep their germs to themselves and throw up all the time, any time, for no reason. whenever i see/hear/hear of someone being sick, i panic and avoid the situations at all costs...even if i was holding my own baby...at this point in my life i couldnt imagine doing anything else but dropping it out of reflex/terror. before anyone reports me for child abuse, no im not going to have a child if i never get past that. im a coward, not an evil baby killer.
if it helps anyone come up with solutions ill describe my fear...someone else's vomit is one thing, but being sick is the scariest and most painful and terrifying moment i could ever experience...not being able to breathe, the pain, nausea, fear, panic, helplessness...i can come to terms with getting sick from being too drunk (though ill scream and cry the whole time) because its a consequence of my actions and is temporary. but if i suffer from the stomach flu its purely from someone elses disgusting hygiene and negligence...and it lasts a whole day...so i spend my life living in fear and panic of other people during winter.
one of many reasons i need help. whats the next step?