Can anyone relate to this?

[bex]

I don't know if it's just me, but whenever my partner or close friends suggest I should try and go back into therapy to overcome my emet, I can't really say for sure if I'd want to. From the age of 4, my parents had to hide bars and pumps of soap every night, because apparnetly I would sleepwalk to the bathrooms 10 - 15 times a night just to wash my hands, and from there it developed into something I'm almost (ironically) scared to live without. Part of me wants to know what it would feel like to live a fear-free life and do everything without a single 'abnormal' or irrational care in the world, but part of me feel almost protected by my phobia - it's like a giant (horrible) cotton-wool ball around me that helps me avoid any sort of situation where I'd encounter v*.
I think it's because I've never known what it's like NOT to ahve this fear, I cannot comprehend what it would feel like to genuinely not have it! In my head, I think to myself that if I DID cure myself, I would never be able to protect myself from it because I wouldn't take the same precautions I take now, etc. However, surely I wouldn't MIND being s* because it would no longer be a fear? I just don't know - but I have very little faith in ever being fully rid of this. A life without emet is completely and utterly alien to me - I genuinely can't ever see myself without it.

Does anyone else get this??

[Halie0820]

I totally understand this. My family and boyfriend always want me to get "cured". I however, somewhat like having it because I do feel more protected against the sick world. I feel more knowledgable because I spend hours researching SV. And I take so many precautions. Since I have OCD and emet, sometimes I go to extreme lengths that are completely unnecessary. But its something I feel like its something I have to do. And they feed off eachother, and if I'm having a bad day with one, the other follows right behind and so fourth. Prt if my OCD is I do compulsions not to get sick or V*. I been through two sets of therapies programs and I feel great for a few months but in the end I go right back to where I started wether its because of scene near me getting sick, a new Jo. A stressed lie a new job. But it always comes back. I was going to PM u back, but it won't let me yet since I'm so new.

[Embramp]

I completely understand!! I feel like my emet is such a big part of who I am that if I ever got rid of it I wouldn't be me any more, I don't know who I'd be..! I also agree that the phobia feels like protection from the rest of the world; I think if I was without it I wouldn't know what to do.. However, after 11 years of that, I think I would like to find out!

[bex]

I totally understand this. My family and boyfriend always want me to get "cured". I however, somewhat like having it because I do feel more protected against the sick world. I feel more knowledgable because I spend hours researching SV. And I take so many precautions. Since I have OCD and emet, sometimes I go to extreme lengths that are completely unnecessary. But its something I feel like its something I have to do. And they feed off eachother, and if I'm having a bad day with one, the other follows right behind and so fourth. Prt if my OCD is I do compulsions not to get sick or V*. I been through two sets of therapies programs and I feel great for a few months but in the end I go right back to where I started wether its because of scene near me getting sick, a new Jo. A stressed lie a new job. But it always comes back. I was going to PM u back, but it won't let me yet since I'm so new.

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean about feeling more knowledgeable about SVs - if anyone ever has a question or says something that I know isn't right, I'm the first to jump in there and answer/correct them! Researching it has become more of an obsession than anything else though especially at this time of year, of course.
My OCD and emet feed directly off each other too, either through putting myself through so many "protective" regimes that it makes me feel s* because I can't stop thinking about it, or having particualrly bad compulsions because I feel s*. It's a lose lose situation

When I was in therapy (I was an inpatient for 6 weeks) they couldn't find the link between my emet and my OCD. I found that truly staggering!!!!!!! I guess I lost all faith in therapy/councilling after that.....

[bex]

I completely understand!! I feel like my emet is such a big part of who I am that if I ever got rid of it I wouldn't be me any more, I don't know who I'd be..! I also agree that the phobia feels like protection from the rest of the world; I think if I was without it I wouldn't know what to do.. However, after 11 years of that, I think I would like to find out!

Because I've never known anything different, I guess I don't have enough faith in NOT having emet to ever try to cure it. Does that make sense? Like I worry that if I can cure myself I would then be a thousand times more vulnerable to being s* because I wouldn't be protecting myself, and v* in that situation is just something I could never get my head around. Not having emet is too bizarre a concept for me to fully understand I suppose, and I'm too scared that by curing myself, I would just be subjecting myself to this awful thing and fall back to where I am now again
Sorry for the rant, I hope that makes sense - I struggle to understand it myself!!

[Embramp]

No I do get what you mean, I felt like that when I first started therapy, like if I stopped having emet I'd become a big germ ball and I wouldn't be safe any more lol. But after I talked about it with my therapist I realised that although I can't quite comprehend it now, if (or when) I ever am truly cured I would still be hygienic and careful, I just wouldn't obsess over it. And even if the worst were to happen and I did v*, I wouldn't enjoy it, but I wouldn't be scared of it either. I think that's where I hope to be at some point - not going through life never v*ing, but not caring either way

I guess it's just hard to take the first step and fight something that feels so natural because it's such a big part of your life, but I'm sure that once you get past that initial fear, you'll be glad you did

[Autumn]

I can see where you're coming from, however I sooooo want to be rid of my phobia, and now I've taken the first step to getting an appointment, I'm thinking 'I can't wait til the day I'm cured'. I'm so exhausted of how stressful it is.

I have another phobia. Or had, I guess I should say. For as long as I could remember, I was PETRIFIED of butterflies. I'm still scared to death of the stage in between caterpillar and butterfly, but not of the actual butterflies themselves. And while I still really don't like them and wouldn't put myself anywhere near them on purpose, the relief I feel from being able to cope is immense. If I see one, see a picture of one, or someone mentions them I do jump a little, but it's nothing like it was before. And now when the summer comes I can go to my mam's old house and worry about trivial little things like getting mud on my clothes, rather than 'what if I see one of them'.

So yeah, I think the relief that you'll feel after being cured will far outweigh the feeling of comfort you get from your coping mechanisms. I know my phobia of butterflies isn't the same as my or anybody's emet, but when you overcome something like this it just feels so good.