I seriously need to get a grip, my life is in shambles!

[ktacserv]

I have a husband and two kids (toddlers). My husband knows of my emet but does not fully understand the extent of my battle with it nor does he fully understand the fact that I will instantly go from zero to panic attack whenever my fear hits me. He doesn't understand that the reaction is outside of my control.

I dread this time of year, when SV goes around. I thought Id have more time before I started hearing about it, but the first local cases hit close to home a few weeks ago. Ny anxiety is in overdrive ever since. I cannot sleep, for fear of waking up sick. I have gone weeks now without a full night of sleep. I watch my kids like a hawk for any signs of illness. I panic when I hear them make a noise in the night, even just a cough or mumbling in their sleep, in sheer terror that one of them will wake up and V. My kids are too little to understand my fear and I do not want to behave irrationally in front of them and make them afraid too. When I have a panic attack (which has been 1-2 times a night for the last few weeks) I go to the bathroom and lay on the cold floor until it passes. Sometimes I curl my knees under my chin and just rock back and forth (like a crazy person).

The worst is knowing how crippling this is to my kids. When they are sick, they want mommy. I can relate, I still remember being a child and wanting my mom by my side to sit with me and calm me down when I was sick or scared. I know they need me, and my heart aches to be with them, but my panic is defeating me. I cannot force my body to go to them when I am not sure what I am facing. My husband is always the first to their side when they wake up to check on the general state of things, so that I do not have any surprises. Usually within two minutes they are crying and asking for me. Not that my husband does anything wrong they just want ME.

Last night my son woke up with one of those piercing scared cries. The kind he does right before he Ved (a year ago). He never wakes up at night and yo hear that specific cry from him nearly sent me into heart failure, I was so sure I was up against a SV. I shot into the bathroom and had a panic attack. I heard my husband fumbling around to calm him and I heard my son just repeating that he wanted me over and over again. It was heartbreaking. My husband came and found me in the bathroom and told me he needed me, and when I forced myself to go to my sons side it turns out he just had a very upsetting nightmare. And he was scared and buried himself into my arms and as soon as I wrapped my arms around him and stroked his hair I could feel him relax and start to fall back asleep. Seriously I cannot believe myself that I would not be able to run to gis side immediately in his time of need. It really makes me lose faith in myself and hurts me deeply. As soon as I found out he was not sick I was able to be fully present, but for a few minutes I reacted as if I was afraid of my own child and that hurts.

I don't know what to do. I am losing my sanity. I do not sleep, I cannot concentrate. I am terrified of getting sick and disinfect everything all the time. I am constantly worried that the people around me, perfect strangers, are harboring SV. I am always looking at people doe signs of illness. I don't eat, my anixety wont let me chill out long enough. I do not spend as much time with mt kids as I should and I cannot be fully present in their lives due to this fear. I never go to parties or social functions this time of year, and when I do actually accept an invite to something I usually freak and cancel at the last minute.

I don't know what i'm looking for really. Just to know I am not the only one who feels this way. Especially if you are a parent and you struggle with sometimes being scared of your own children. That hurts the most.

[olschesky]

welcome to the forum. sounds like you are in a really bad spot right now.......but that you're ready to fight your way out.

i don't have any kids....but plenty of the members do and will hopefully offer you some help and support. i know i've read several posts just like yours......afraid of their own sick kids....so you're not alone.

just keep posting.....sometimes just putting things out there makes me feel better

[randall3329]

First and foremost you MUST try to eat, even if only a little - it will keep your immunity up.
Secondly I have 3 gorgeous little girls and I used to be just like you, avoiding them at all costs if they v. Last time they got a sv, about 4 years ago my youngest who was 1 at the time got it so bad that her body just went limp, her skin grey and we had to take her to hospital and up until that point I had lived in another part of the house while they had this bug, but I was so scared for her that suddenly my fears didnt seem that important anymore - I even held her hair back as she v on the way to the hospital. None of my children have v since so I cannot tell you how I would handle it now, but this is just an example to show that when your children really need you we kinda have this mummy instinct that just kicks in against all odds. If I couldnt do that again I just tell myself that I am there at EVERY other time of their life, thats just the bit that "daddy" will have to deal with x

[prettyfish13]

I know I'm responding to this a few weeks late, but I just wanted to say that I could have written this post WORD FOR WORD. I have two boys, a 7 month old and a 3.5 year old, and I'm living in constant terror of one of them (well, primarily my oldest) getting s*. We've had a rough year and he came down with several s*v* and it's made me an absolute wreck. It's just like you say: I'm scared of my own child. It's one of the most terrible feelings in the world, to be afraid of someone you love, your own child nonetheless. I'm in a panic every night and my husband is the one who goes to him when/if he wakes up, and every time my heart is in my throat.

I don't have much advice as I am seriously struggling with this as well, but I'm trying to:

a) Remember that this will not last forever. They will grow older and s*v* will be less frequent and they'll be able to handle it mroe on their own. At the same time I don't want to rush through their childhoods - this time is too precious so I am going to enjoy all the good moments despite the scary ones.
b) My husband deals with it. He knows that he has to, and that I mostly can't. I too feel guilty about my son wanting me when he doesn't feel well, but like another poster said, I'm there for him for everything else, Daddy can have this one .
c) Put it into perspective: such a small percentage of my life will consist of dealing with my kids actually v*. Worrying about it and panicking about it won't prevent them from catching anything, so there is really no point.

Hope that helps . I absolutely understand what you are going through.

[Paisley]

What helped me was when I realized that by the time my child vomited from a stomach virus, I had already been exposed, so I might as well go to her and take care of her like I want to..... and then make sure I wash my hands etc etc. Don't know if this helps but this is what helped me get through it.