History...

[sdfl]

I am just sitting here wide awake. I need my rest because two days now I have barely slept. Not that that is necessarily a big old deal since I have two little ones but on my mind is nothing but my past and emet and all the things I know that I have not shared (Not all anyway). I never want to live in the past, time heals all they say and you move on.. you move forward. I believe everyone takes big steps when they are willing to move on and live and look forward to the future and be bigger and better than they were... never repeat mistakes, never look back, just keep walking forward.

But I'm stuck and frustrated.. I want someone I can talk to these things about, no, scream of these things about. The way I was transformed by horrid relationships and emetophobia. I have told some people some things, including my momma but I fear I cannot tell everything because no one would EVER believe me concerning how I often came across i.e happy, carefree, etc etc...
No one knows what went on in my mind, what it was really like save for those who had close close close proximity to me. between 2006 and 2009 were by far the worst years of my life and I have seen bad before then.

My biggest fear is if I come across this way people will think I want sympathy and pity... NO! I just want someone to listen, really listen... don't patronize me, don't tell me "well this can't be so because of x,y,z..." I just want someone to listen so I can free every thought and hurt truly without ever having to look back. I hate living here... I hate looking like some trapped pathetic thing because I'm not. I am a beautiful bird just looking to fly free. Believe me.

Oh well just a rant you can ignore this post and move onto the wonderful people who need good advice and help right now I just had to.

[olschesky]

we may not be close by.......but we will listen and totally understand....and offer help when we can.

i've only told my mom, sister, husband and 2 friends about my 50 year stint with emet........so i know what it's like to keep things bottled up......

here if you need it

[sdfl]

Thank you dear.. the thing of it is is there are some folks who have tried so hard to be understanding and I kept things inside too long so it's not their fault if they believe anything other than what I know... with my family it was my emet and why I was the way I was, with another it was something completely different. That is what stinks is I know a lot of this is my own fault. I just wish I could change and it and talk about it all in the first place. You are all so kind though and always have been. A part of me is starting to think I need to get through this on my own now since I have waited so long.

[asianeko]

Aww Sav, I'm sorry you're stuck in a rut! You know we'll listen! I know that's a little different though.

If there is anything I can do, let me know!

[sdfl]

Just the fact alone you all care means a lot and does my heart good. After a bit of sleep and some thought I am a little more sane aha..I will figure out how to get by. I have a counselor but it's just not the same sometimes. I should be thankful I've come this far at least!

[asianeko]

Remember it could always be worse! You're doing wonderfully

I'm guessing this has to do with more than just emet, but I can tell you that you were a huge influence on me personally recovering and getting to where I am today. You're always so positive and helpful! Keep your heads up lady, everything will work out

[sdfl]

That really made my day to hear you say that Bonnie, I can't believe I have actually helped inspire someone else, especially in recovery and it feels very special. I think I just want to leave the planet for a few days until I can be more mature about this and everything.. until my past is truly where it belongs, until I can be the person I am supposed to be....thank goodness emet is almost out of the picture.

[asianeko]

Just one step at a time, that's all it takes. You'll get there! And yes, you really did help me get better, and I'm sure you've helped others as well!

[sdfl]

One step at a time, now you sound like me ahaha