Rock bottom...

[raekat]

I think I've hit it. I've struggled with Emet for so long, but now it's really destroying myself and my life.
Nearly 13 years this 6th of January, that is far too effing long. I can't enjoy myself anywhere I go because I'm too afraid that food will be tainted, people will have some kind of flu and they'll spread their germs to me.
Even the very mention of V* send sends me into a hyperventilating, crying mess.
My family and friends are tired of it, too. I just know they're frustrated and annoyed whenever I get in a loop and start freaking out. Which is why I don't usually talk to anyone about my fear unless I'm particularly bad. Which is probably the reason why it's gotten worse the last year. So bad that suicide thoughts have filled through my head. I once envisioned drowning myself in the bathroom sink by inhaling the water and making sure I don't pull my head out for air. That was the closest I ever got to doing it. I filled up the sink, but I realized how ridiculous I was being and just splashed cold water in my face to calm down instead.
Recently, thoughts of ending it have come more often than not when I'm thinking about V*, and for a split second it seems like it'd make everything OK. And that's horrible, because I know I have so much to live for. V* is such a small thing in life, but it's definitely ruining mine. I know I need help, and I looked into therapy, but whenever I got to talk to my parents about it, a feeling of embarrassment brushes over me. I know the hate dealing with my fear. It frustrates them because I can hardly listen to anybody when I'm trying to stop myself from either ripping out my hair and gnawing into my bottom lip until it bleeds, or get up to go to the kitchen to get a knife.
It's more emotional pain as well. I've had some family issues the past year or two and definitely didn't help with trying to coax myself out of Emet.

It's come to a point now that I can't think of what it would be like not to be afraid or to have Emet. I really can't, and I hate that because the one thing I want most in this lifetime is to not be afraid. To live my life fully because I know I deserve it. In my short lifetime I've been through so much, and all that could really make it all OK would be to not have this reminding me everyday that it could happen tomorrow.

I know this is long, and I'm sorry, but if you took the time to read it then I am forever thankful. It is so comforting to know that so many people deal with the same thing I do everyday and are so willing to listen to people's thoughts on it.

[bebzorg]

You shouldn't be embarrassed with your parents! Give them a chance to help you. As a mother I would do anything to help my children, nothing they could ever tell me would make me judge them or ridicule them. If you don't tell them than you are not giving them a chance to help you.