Encouraging Words Needed

[jesskali]

I am 25 years old and have been married for nearly 2 and a half years. I hope to have children in the near future but anyone who knows about my phobia tries to discourage me of it. I feel that I have finally gotten over some of my pregnancy fears enough to go through with it and I tell myself that the joys of having children outweigh the other stuff(namely *v*). Some co-workers and I were riding to lunch the other day and one of them knows about my phobia. All of them started in about how I better not have children if *v* bothers me. Then Friday evening I was having dinner with my sister-in-law(who knows about my emet)and the subject came up again. She said the exact same thing about how I shouldn't have children if I fear *v*. She gave me several scenarios of what might happen and then asked what I would do if my husband wasn't around. I jokingly told her that I would call her to come over and help me. Anyway, it has really been bothering me. It is very discouraging to hear those words. And, I do wonder how I will handle the situation when that day comes. I just need some encouraging words from people here that may know what I am going through!

Jess

[swiftette]

Hi Jess, First of all, I think it is dispicable for someone to try to discourage you from having children. That decision is up to you and your hubby. Having just now gotten persnicketty, I will calm myself and tell you this, they were probably only trying to be helpfull and prepare you for the worst case senario. I don't know why people have to be like that, it's like when you say your going on a plane and they feel the need to tell ya how many plane crahes there werelast year. I have had this phobia since I was a child and I am 33 now. I have had 2 children and no morning sickness. The only thing that upset my tummy was the vitamins-which my Dr. allowed me to take folic acid and Flintstones complete vitamins instead. Was I worried about planning a family due to my v fear? Absolutely! I actually found out I was pregnant while I was going threw outpatientcare for anorexia and my Dr. said I probably could'nt get pregnant at all. So after I found out when I was three months along-I was over the moon happy, and determined to eat for me and my baby and to take one day at a time about my fears(which never did apply). Even still, I had one doctor plus my oldest brother who did'nt think I could carry my baby. It only mad me madder and stronger, and myCalabria was born 8 yrs ago weighing 6lb5oz. I was stilll worried about getting morn sickness if I was to get pregnant again so we didnt "plan "it, we just let nature take over. Once I was pregnant, I just told myself one day at a time again, and everythingwasOK. Actually everything was a little TO ok because my Alia was born weighing 8lb6oz-now mind you I am 5 foot nuthing and 100 lbs soaking wet!She was obviously a c-sect, but guess what? The anesthesia did'nt even make me sick. So don't be scared, and comunicate your fears to those around you so they do'nt cause you any more anxiety than you already have!

[matmysunshine]

Jess, do not let then get to you, I got prego with my son, and I knew I was a chicken SH*T when it came to V***. but got through my first with it only happening once.. and me and DH are talking about trying for #2 some time at the end of the yr.. I assure u that once u feel that little one in there all the sickness in the world could not take the joy away. I hate when people try and take what little courage we might have built and shoot it down.. I wish the best in trying anything u need,u know us mommies are here for u .. Take Care Christy

[jennyleigh1975]

Please try to not let these friends of yours discourage you. Children are wonderful and yes, it is hard when they get sick, but you learn to cope, really you do. Once you become a mom and it does happen for the first time, you learn how and what you need to do/have to get through it. Having a husband/partner that isnt an emet is one of the best things. I couldnt imagine myself married to an emet, lol!!

Dont let these people get you down, cause when your child is born and you look at the little life that you and your husband created, and see yourselves in that child, it truly is magic!

[japa]

Well, I don't have children, but I think that these people who are advising you not to have any are looking at your fear as something immutable and insurmountable. They do not realize that the fear can evolve, and it will be at varying levels at different times. They don't know that you will face the fear and fight it when the time comes for children and that you will adjust to the situations when the need arises as jennyleight has pointed out. Sure, if you were just going to be passive and not bother working through what happens with kids, then maybe you shouldn't have children. But, I am sure that's not the case.


Another thing is that you are aware of your limitations before having the children; you know at least one of your fears. The funny thing is that the very people who are advising you not to have children - let's consider whether they have thought about their limitations before they had children. They must have some sort of fears or some potential inadequacies as parents. Do they know what they are? Did they know before they had children and consider whether they should have the kids after all? Probably not. How will they face their own inadequacies and fight against them when the time comes? There are so many things that parents do or do not do that can affect children either positively or negatively.Do these parents realizein what ways they will affect their children?

[shiva]

Listen.. The love that you have for your child will totally supercede this phobia. Compared to the unconditional love a mother has for her child, this phobia is small potatoes. Yes.. It is challenging and yes, there is more worry than other moms have, but being a mother is full of worry, because we care so damn much. We worry that they will choke on their first finger food, or that their first cold will turn to pneumonia or that they will fall and hit their heads when they are taking their first steps. We worry about how they will do in school, if they will remember to look both ways. There is definitely a s*** load of worry, and it is absolutely worth every second.

[ontariogirl]

I agree with shiva and jennyleigh Jess. I have to tell you that having kids is the greatest. I was pregnant at 19 and the phobia was still in full force. I lived with my mother who helped me out but you learn how to cope. I have to PM you on this one ok!

[madisonsmom]

I would not let this fear stop you from missing out on having children. They are such a blessed miracle! I was sick a little with my last pregnancy...but I knew it wasnt contagious stuff. That is really all that bothers me...stomach viruses and contagious v*. I am not sure exactly what your fear is...believe me babies are so worth it.


I want another one. Yes they do get sick and its just a VERY SMALL price to pay. I personally think you would make a wonderful mother and would handle it just fine when your children get sick!


Do what you feel is best sweetie. I will tell you this...there is not a better feeling in the whole wide world than being pregnant with YOUR child and feeling it inside of you and then giving birth and seeing he or she for the first time. (makes me wanna cry) It is the mose awesome feeling in the world. ASK ANY MOTHER![img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]Edited by: madisonsmom

[mitch4133]

I don't have children, but I know how you feel. I don't know if I want to have kids either because of this fear. It scares me to death. But when I think of missing having children because of this fear, it makes me sad. I guess I keep thinking about something my dad once said to me when I was sick once. Iwas about 11, and I had just gotten sick. After, I asked him how can he deal with it? How can you stand by myside while I am getting sick? And he just plainly stated, "when it's your kid getting sick, it doesn't bother me. I don't want to see you suffer, I want to help" I just think about that everytime I worry about having kids and them getting sick. It's different when its your kids. And I hope that one day when I do have kids, I will be able to think that way. Cause it is different. They're a part of you, and I would rather help them. I just hope that when the time comes, I can think this way.


ButI know exactly how you feel, cause I feel the same way.

[jesskali]

Thank you everyone for all of your kind replies. I knew that I would get the encouragement that I need from here. I am determined not to let my fear overcome my desire to have children!

Jessica

[kate1966]

Hey Jess....just read your post....and I have two boys ages 15 and 11....and believe me...it was well worth it...they were sick so much when they were smaller...I never thought I would get through it all...it was bad at times...but when you are a mother....it just doesn't matter as much...you know what you have to do...and when your kids are sick...you are just there for them...instinct just kicks in and takes over...it did for me anyway...and believe me there were times when i would plug my ears and hold my nose when it was going on...but i still stood behind them rubbing their back or whatever...so don't think for a moment that you can't have kids...they are the greatest joy in the world....and i would not trade not one V episode for my children....that's how great the love is you have for your kids...take care...and know that God made you to have kids...so therefore you can achieve it...Kat

[zane2673]

I was fortunate not toget morning sickness with either of my pregnancies. On the occassion I did feel ill, I just used to lay down and rest. As far as the kids getting sick. You may panic the first few times it happens, but your so concerned with your child being ill it takes a back seat. You'll find strength in yourself you never knew you had. You'll manage it. You have to look at this way, kids vomiting really doesn't happen as often as it may seem on the outside. There are 365 days in a year and you have to think just like with anything else you have to take the good with the bad. Believe me they'll have a ton more well days than bad, and on the days it's bad you'll relish the days even more when they are well and happy. Don't deny yourself being a mom because of this phobia. I'm glad I didn't. I look at my kids now and I can't imagine not having them because I was afraid of body function that a lot of other people out there deem as normal. You'll be overly obsessed with hand washing in public and nervous about them having playdates and going to school, but you'll manage. I've made a lot progress with my phobia this past winter season. My kids were sick with a nasty bug off and on for over a week, but when it was over I was stronger for it. Best of Luck. Remember also that's what this board is here for your never alone!!!

[terified girl]

Again I read all your posts about having kids, and Kate, saying how you wouldn't change one v* episode for your kids is just amazing. That is what's stopping me from having a child, not so much the morning sickness even though that is a factor but the fact that when it grows up, its going to be sick at least a few times in its life where I have to pick it up and I just can't bring myself to accept that and have a child, even though I want one and so does my bf.

[skinnyme]

Just remember, your way of thinking may change when it comes time to have kids. Sometimes its different when its your own kids sickness... I used to be that way... Wish I still was, when my oldest was about 3 she had a bug and was sick all over me, but I bathed her and dressed her all the while wearing my soiled clothing, it didnt bother me and I didnt catch it. I dont know what has happened to me since then. Your future children are not always going to need you to "clean up" after them. They will be grown with their own kids someday.

[ejb199]

Jess - these people just dont understand emetophobia or what its about - you may have told them and im sure they are all nice and TRY to understand - but deep down they will never truly understand what emet is like.

there is proof here that many emets can go on and have children - and get thro it and continue to cope even when their kids get sick. dont let a few misguided comments get u down....like u said - u knew ud get the encouragment and support from here - i.e from people who know exactly what u ar going thro.

ems x

[swiftette]

Terified Girl, It would be good to discuss your fears with your boyfriend now, before you plan a pregnancy, so that he knows he may need to step in if and of course when your child gets ill. I think if he really loves you(which I'm sure he does) he will be there for the tummy bugs and mabey you'll agree tohandle yucky diaper changes since most men have an aversion to poopies diapers.

[ontariogirl]

Remembering being pregnant for the first time was just amazing! Feeling the first little fluff, than the movements and kicks. I loved being pregnant.

[bethany]

awwwwwwww i can't wait to be pregnant! i'm only twenty but i spent some time with a baby over my spring break with my bf's family and i haven't stopped thinking about the little angel since!

i can definitely identify with the fear but i think its going to be totally different with your own kids


to identify with somebody with a different specific phobia, i know of a woman who had a blood phobia and she was talking about how it was totally different when she had kids..she would've performed surgery on them herself she loved them so much

-megan

p.s. haven't been here in awhile..hope all is well!