Very OT: Skipping a lot of school, no motivation... advice!?

[kaiilyn_23]

This is SO OT, but as I've said a million times in my several OT threads, I always feel comfortable expressing my concerns to you guys.

SO, I have a lot of random health issues, although my colonoscopy/endoscopy came back okay, and so did my CT scan. I've missed school due to them, but a majority of my missed school this year has been skipping. I have ZERO motivation to go to school, to see my "friends", to do my work. I never do my homework, even in the subjects that I like. I wanted this year to be a fresh start, get good grades, but I'm tanking. I'll go to school for two subjects out of four and go home or go downtown. By myself. My friends aren't into that, they're smart, not an idiot like me.

I haven't told my mom this. The school doesn't even call my house anymore when I miss school because, well, I've missed so much. I'm failing sewing (but honestly I suck at it anyway, my mom and aunt told me not to worry about sewing, basically telling me if I was anything like them, I'd fail) and math, or almost failing math. Everything else, I'm doing relatively well surprisingly. But that's not the point. I'm ashamed, of all my skipping, my lies to my mom, telling her that I go to sewing, that I attend math, talk to my teachers, etc. That I leave school sometimes as soon as she drops me.

I'm just so unhappy when I go there, and I tell myself, "Get over this, you're being stupid, school is part of life, and it's here for a reason." but nothing works. I can't even tell my counselor, I'm so embarrassed, I can't say these things out loud only on here. I can't tell my mom, I've told my brother and he's been helpful, and I've hinted things to my aunt (well I told her I never go to sewing, she said "Not that I encourage that, but I never went either...") but... I'm just in this shell.

I can't stop. I never want to go to school. I make myself sick, do whatever I need to do, to not go. I want to go to school somewhere else, start fresh, start without this environment I'm stuck in. I want to move away, go to boarding school, and I've wanted this for a long time. I'm surrounding myself in lies and unhappiness, I'm only 13, things shouldn't be this way. I hate myself lately.

Some days I say, "I should drop out. My dad never went to high school, and look at him, he owns his own business, makes a lot of money, does what he does." but then I realize I don't actually want to end up like my dad, selfish, money-obsessed, high on himself... and I actually like learning. I wish they made school more... enjoyable, like some other schools I've heard of.

I know what I do is wrong and I feel awful, I want to stop but no matter how hard I try nothing helps, nothing works. I want to be able to graduate the same year as my friends, even with my friends eventually but no matter what I say to myself, or how much I bring in reality, I can't grasp anything.

I don't know what I'm asking here, all I really need is to talk, let this out, because I feel like I'm going to explode soon. I spend my days walking around with my camera and listening to my alternative/indie/punk rock music... I don't even feel like I belong at my school, which I've talked about before, none of my friends share my interests, I love to read, write, listen to music, play my guitar and piano, wear dark clothes or "hippie" clothes, I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.

[DeadxxInside92]

Well, first off I just want to say you are not at all alone and you are *not* any less intelligent because you skip class. I consider myself a relatively intelligent person and in high school, I would skip class constantly. It became detrimental to my status in school and I was on the verge of missing out on my hs commencement. I worked with my guidance counselor and teachers and fortunately, I was still eligible to graduate on time by the time I was completely caught up. I remember thinking I was inadequate to all my friends because they would always be in class, never missing one day even if they were sick and there I was hiding out in the public library across the street while the school incessantly phoned my house. I was suspended for ten days and I was ridiculed by lots of people. In the end, it didn't really matter what anyone else thought. I was going through a very difficult time. I was very mentally unstable and it just seemed like an impossible task for me to just sit in class and do my work. I just couldn't muster up the motivation to do it. I totally and completely understand every angle you're coming from and I do not judge you at all. To be perfectly straight up, I'm in college now and I STILL have a hard time finding the motivation to go to my lectures because no one gives a damn in college if you skip. If you skip, it's on you. The professors aren't going to harass you and your parents. To them, you're just a name on a roster. When I am trying to find reasons NOT to skip class, I just remind myself that if I don't go, eventually it's going to catch up to me and I won't get my degree in medicine. Last year, my very first semester of college, I NEVER went to my lectures. I skipped them all the time and would just hide out in a lounge alone crying. I was so depressed and so lost and no one knew what I was going through. I didn't tell my boyfriend or my parents. Everything I did, every smile I put on was all just for show. However, when the semester came to an end and grades were released, I got a very ugly wake up call. My parents were so ashamed and angry that I didn't come to them. They thought I was doing perfectly fine in terms of my progress in the college world, but I was lying through my teeth!! I know it's so hard to just force yourself to go to class but that's honestly all you can do. You must force yourself to go. Remind yourself that going is just half the battle. You can just sit in class not truly hearing anything the teacher says, but as long as you're there, it counts for something!! Start small and work your way up. I would talk to your mom about it because there is nothing to be ashamed of. If you admit you have a problem, she will be more than willing to help you because you came to her seeking help instead of just dismissing the issue. It will come back to haunt you if you don't take action now. You can get through this!! Some days will be harder than others, but just remind yourself that this is totally doable. We'll do it together because I still need the extra kick in the butt too

[olschesky]

I would definitely talk to my guidance counselor......maybe some different classes with different people would help spark your interest. It totally sounds like clinical depression to me......which can also cause physical symptoms....talk to your doctor.

How did your test results come out?

Sorry that you are feeling this way.......i loved my high school years....still have some of those friends 42 years later.....

Dont give up........talk to someone......please

[cinque]

You're obviously a very intelligent person - your style of writing is extremely mature for a 13-year-old (I hope that doesn't sound patronising. I really, really don't mean it that way!). Perhaps school doesn't quite stretch you enough? It's a real shame that it doesn't appeal to you. I definitely agree that you should speak to your guidance counsellor about this. Please don't feel embarrassed. Your feelings are nothing to be ashamed of. You deserve support!

I feel confident that you could excel in every school subject. I wonder if you lack confidence in your abilities to an extent. I was certainly like that when I was a bit older (16 to 18 sort of age group - 'A' levels here in the UK) and I found subjects very dry and uninspiring and mind-boggling.

As for the whole not fitting in thing - I think that's a very common thing to feel and that there are probably a lot of students at your school who feel that they don't quite conform to the social norms.

Things will get better. Please do seek the support you need. We'll always be happy to listen to you here but providing practical help is a bit trickier xxx

[barbiegirl]

I can totally relate. I HATED middle school and high school and never wanted to be there. I was bullied quite a bit, struggled with eating disorders/health issues and was bored to tears in my classes. Even though I always got good grades, I probably missed 40% of my classes between actually being sick/doctor appointments and being "sick" or "going to a doctor appointments" and never did assigned reading outside of class. I'm not going to lie I don't miss it one bit.

However, you DO need to find some way to make school work. You're such a smart girl and have so much potential but you will be closing off all kinds of future opportunities by skipping classes/not doing your work including the possibility of boarding school. First things first you need to discuss this with your counselor even though I know you don't want to. Tell him/her everything you shared here, maybe even print your post and let them read it. They can't help you if they don't know what is going on. Maybe taking some AP/IB courses or photography courses would help make school a lot of interesting and inspiring for you? I know they did for me, and I am pretty sure the school you attend offers at least some of them.

It will get better, even though it doesn't feel that way right now. I promise!