feeling suicidal

[steph77]

need advice and stories of encouragement. i'm sick of this mental illness and what it's done to my life. i am 27 and i have nothing to speak of other than a supportive fiance and two cats. i am poor, have never known life not being poor, have never known life without emetophobia and anxiety and depression. i have talents and intelligence that i fear to use because this illness might f#$* it up (it has before) i can not keep a job. i am now attempting to go to college, but i am terrified and stuck at having gotten my FAFSA'S back & approved. i feel i can't move beyond this point anymore. i have made progress, been pushed back, made progress, been pushed back, over and over since i can remember and can't stand the cycle anymore. i am weak and pathetic and crazy. i want nothing more than death, but i fear that, too.....


if anyone has advice or a story about their accomplishments, it may help to know one can succeed with this illness.


sorry for the self-centered kick...had to vent. thanx


steph

[tink]

Hey Steph,

Most importantly.. You have said you have dealt with this before, so you know it will pass. You are just at a low right now and it will not last. Yes, you have anxiety and depression but you are also have talent and intellegence. You are a smart girl and I know you will not let this crap get the best of you. You have to keep trying and you will conquer it someday. Think of how proud you will feel when that day happens. Because it will..

Think of the good things, and seek out your support system and let them kow how serious this all is. And most of all, let them help you. [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img] People care, let them show how much..

Hugs--
Kim

[steph77]

thanx kim-


i'm sorry i went off there, it's just been really hard. what's funny is that i'm on the definite upswing. about a year ago, i only weighed 85 lbs. at 5'6" i'm up to 115! what's happening is i'm doubting my ability to keep it together for much longer, since i always fall back. i'm scared and don't know who to talk to; it hurts my fiance when i feel like this.


on the up side, it's finally 70 degrees and sooooo sunny!! that is something..

[jesskali]

This may be somewhat cliche, Steph, but try to "count your blessings" when you start feeling this way. You are very lucky to have a supportive fiance because there are so many who do not have that type of support system. This may sound trivial, but think about how much your cats depend on you for all of their needs to be met. I am a cat lover, too, and when nothing else can make me feel better, my cats can! When I am feeling low, I try to think about others who are in much worse condition than I am. I think about people who have lost loved ones and are dying of cancer and then I start to realize that my problems aren't any where near as bad.

Everyone has times when they feel that their world is coming to an end. I know I do! Just try your best to think positive. Also try to do something nice for yourself, even if it is just to take a nice relaxing bubble bath. I hope you feel better!

[tink]

Well, maybe this upswing will keep going up! That is really wonderful that your weight is at a good number. That is really important to have your physical body strong when trying to deal with emotional issues. I wouldnt not talk to your fiance because you are afraid this sorta talk hurts him. It hurts because he cares about you, and of course he wants to know what is going on with you good or bad. That is what love is all about, not always easy. Give him the choice.

--Kim

Oh, and it is 70+ and sunny where I am too!!! Northen California.. Where are you??

[helenhd]

I'm in highschool and my emet first got really bad last year. It really started after my parents got divorced, my relationship with my dad (which has never been good) went way down hill and probably reached the bottom, and I had pneumonia and didn't eat for a while. I was having really bad anxiety attacks, especially at night. It was, as I'm sure you know, awful. As much as my mom and the medicine they gave me helped, the thing that helped the most were my cats. The slept with me everynight and were always there for me to count on. I would wake up a lot in the middle of the night and I'd always wake my cat up and pat him and he'd rub against me and make me feel better. One day my cats must have heard a mouse outside and they were fixed on this one spot in the corner of my living room. They didn't come to bed that night. Every hour on the dot though, the cat I would usually wake up, came up to my bed, woke me up, rubbed against me, and then went back downstairs. It was then I realized that I would always have somone there in the middle of the night: someone who wouldn't get aggravated with me. I just thought I'd share that story because you mentioned your cats and I wanted to remind you that cats can sometimes be the best comforters. I hope you feel better!

[nicki]

Hi


About a year ago, i think around the time i joined this site, I decided i had had enough. I sat down with a bottle of alcohol and lots of ibuprofen. I don't think i really wanted to die,I knew that i had not taken enough to kill myself but it was enough to get me to hospital where i could get the help i needed. My life was awful, i had no social life, i was scared to go out, scared to sleep and my relationship with my boyfriend was awful. It got worse after the od because he felt that i thought he wasnt worth sticking around for.


Thinks were really bad until about january of this year when me and my boyfriend finally split up (i am 21 he is 22). After that i decided to turn my life around and i can honestly say that making that decision is the best thing i could have done. I joined some sports clubs, started work experience in a school (something i thought i could never do, being around kids) and have also moved to a new environment. For the first time in years i am happy. My stress levels are low and i dont really worry about getting ill, although i still have kept up my hygiene levels, i may not be so scared now but im not about to invite illness in! My boyfriend and i remained friends after we split and have now actually got back together on account of the fact that i am so much happier and not stressed.


I brought myself up from what i thought wasa point of no return to a stage where i am more than just ok, i am happy. Ive done it on my own with no counselling and no medication so it is possible.


Best of luck, hope you start to feel better soon, if you want to chat i have msn and yahoo IM, feel free to pm me to


Take care, nicki x

[ontariogirl]

I know the frustrations that you are going through. When I was younger I felt just ending it. I couldn't deal with this phobia anymore, back than I didn't know it was a phobia. This started at the age of 9, my years were not normal. I would look at friends at school and I wanted to be like them. As I grew older I thought of doing myself in but was afraid to, if I took pills they probably wouldn't work and end up having my stomach pump and so on. Each day is a struggle but I made it. It is so tempting to take the easy way out but its not worth it. Talk to someone about this, talk to your doctor, there is medication and doctors out there who can help you. I am going on31 years with this phobia.I admire the mothers on this site who take their children onvacations, to the movies etc. I have avery hard time doing that with my child. I am 39, I can't work because of this phobia, I have tried and I don't last very long, I am disability, I mainly keep to myself, I used to live month to month thinking about when the next cheque comes in but I can't do that, I have to live as each day comes. Life is too short my dear and life is so precious, please get some help for this.

[steph77]

thanks for all the encouragement. i am feeling a little better. i think that now i have my phobia at a somewhat controlled level, i have to start working on my self-esteem and anxiety issues. i also talked to my fiance and he was very understanding- that helped. well, it's late


good night


steph

[uidactinide]

Steph, you sound like you're going through exactly the same thing that
I am, right down to the fiance and cats. I wish I could offer some
advice beyond "just keep moving foward", but unfortunately that's all I
have. If you ever want someone to talk to, though, I'm around.

[SimplyMe]

Wow, your story sounded fairly familiar. I am 26, just started college about a year ago. I know w/ this phobia it's ups and downsbut you've got thru it before and can again. I can tell you goingto college has been very good for me, it gets me active in my own success andsince you are more independent when there (not like high school) there isn't that "trapped" feeling. I do think like you tho sometimes like how am I ever going to finish all this school and have a "real" job and life but it will happen, this site is what let me know that I can do it w/ this phobia because Isaw so many others doing it and hopefully that can be your experience too. there's no reason you can't have a full and productive life you seem very smart and driven, just scared like everyone else and that's OK just don't let it give you regrets later! Hope this helps and please feel free to email/IM me anytime if youw anna talk further about school or anything!

[redapple]

steph,</span><br style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">
you are not being
self-centered. you're just hurting, and we all are, and we
understand. A supportive fiance and two cats are blessings in my
book! Just think of all the people who are members of this
site. We are working, raising kids, attending college, living
through the pressures of high school, and singing onstage in
competitions. we are living, despite the fear. and so are
you. That alone is enough inspiration for me to keep going.
You can do it.</span> I'm proud of you for working up to a healthy weight!! </span><br style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">
<br style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">
[img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]<br style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">
<br style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0);">
Beth</span>