emet is threatening my marriage, and making me selfish.

[aurora0917]

Hello,
I haven't posted on here in a while, thinking that I may have been doing better with this whole phobia. But as always, it's come back to kick me. It's come to my awareness that I don't think i'll ever be capable of having children. Why? Morning sickness, and childrens' frequent V*ing. If i never recover from this phobia, I honestly don't think I could handle it.

My second point... i woke up this morning to my husband informing me his cousin's 5-month-along pregnant wife was throwing up and went to the hospital to make sure nothing was wrong with the baby. He is now driving his cousin to see the wife and babysitting their two kids. I, being afraid of anything possibly SV related, realize that he's walking into a hotbed for possible SV germs by babysitting at his cousin's apartment where someone was V*ing all morning. He asked me to go along with him, but I rejected the offer, because of my fear. And I told him to be careful because he might be walking into a hotbed full of norovirses.

He responded very angrily. Telling me i'm selfish for thinking only of my fear when his cousin's wife and the baby along the way could be in jeopardy. He told me he's "dumbfounded" at where my priorities are. How i place my fear first over the concern of other people's health and wellbeing.

I am telling this here, in this forum, because I have no one else to turn to. I am terrified he is going to bring home SV germs, get an SV himself, and then eventually i'm going to have to go through a living nightmare because I can't deal with V*ing. And I guess this phobia is, indeed, making me a selfish a-hole. I should be caring about my husband's cousin's wife.... but i am so.... freaking.... scared. It's all consuming. I am concerned for her, but that doesn't mean I want to expose myself to possible SV's.

Anyways, my husband hates me right now. I don't know what to do. I thought I had been doing well fighting off this phobia recently. I've been having fewer panic attacks, fewer obsessively terrifying "what-if" thoughts... but also I haven't been exposed to any foreseeable V* germs lately. I guess this next step in trying to get better is a crushing failure. He doesn't get it, he doesn't get me. Emetophobia is ruining my life, locking me indoors, afraid of being around others, even others I care about. And i suppose he is right for calling me a selfish a-hole. I honestly think (and in a way hope) that his cousin's wife is merely experiencing a bout of illness that won't put anyone's lives at jeopardy, but my husband is convinced otherwise.

I really. really, really just want to run away right now. From everything.

Thanks for reading.

[sullycat86]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Your husband may have just been a little off today because he's worried about his cousin. It's probably just morning sickness that she has. On another note I had two pregnancies with morning sickness but never V*. Now on the other hand kids do get sick and I have noticed that my mommy insticts kick in and I can "handle" it to an extent but I still panic. Just try to calmly talk to your hubby when he gets home and just tell him how you feel. Hope things get better for you! ((hugs))

[Erica1649]

I hope you guys can sit and talk. Its an awful feeling that he can't relate to, so while he says he understands, nobody understands unless they are the ones going through it...my husband thinks that my new found germophobia is "annoying" but I can't help it.

Maybe sit and talk to your hubby later and apologize for how things came out. I'm sure in the back of your mind you were concerned about your hubby's cousin's wife. You are just protecting yourself too thats all.

Good luck.

[2jo2]

I'm so sorry, believe me, I understand. My first therapist told me that this phobia makes me selfish. It was hard to hear. I know this phobia certainly has put limits on my life, as I don't have kids, and emet was just one reason why (I don't particularly like children, so it's not a real bummer for me). However, I have a husband that understands my fear. He has social anxiety which makes him fearful of certain situations and he's described the same feelings of terror and wanting to run away concerning the things he's fearful of. Maybe if your husband can relate somehow to something he's fearful of. He may not have a phobia of anything, but there is certain to be something, even something small that he could relate to the panic, terror, fight or flight feelings we get around sickness. I hope your husband's cousin is ok and that there's nothing contagious to worry about. Let us know!

[cinque]

I'm so sorry - you're obviously feeling really low at the moment

Your husband is probably stressed/anxious and that's why he responded how he did. The thing is you are NOT selfish. This is not a minor consideration for you. It is an all-consuming fear and I would have been exactly the same. It's not rational thought; we can't will it away with logic. It is so deep-seated.

I would hope and expect that the pregnant lady is totally fine. It doesn't sound TOO alarming a thing to be happening. It sounds like she is seeking reassurance from the hospital which is totally the right thing to do when you're pregnant etc. However it doesn't sound too dangerous or bad. So maybe your husband is rather over-reacting in terms of how risky he thinks the medical situation is. I suppose he can't help being worried, but I don't think he should ever call you names. Is your relationship generally okay?

Have you considered CBT or any other kind of therapy? It would be awful if emet stopped you from having children, and it really doesn't have to stop you. I know it can be a length process to cure it completely but I think it can quickly get a lot more easy to cope/deal with through various therapies. xxx

[cloughie]

Isn't it crazy that some people with emet get called selfish yet if some one has a fear of flying they aren't called selfish. It's ha you'll never get my partner on a plane and the family has to holiday near home. It's not selfish it's a fear.

[olschesky]

never thought about it that way, cloughie......but true haha....

sorry you're so down right now.....i havent seen you in a while and was hoping all was well with you. i totally understand your feelings though.....we tend to go into overdrive when someone around us has a sv.....noone else understands but us.

hopefully your husband will have gotten over his "mad" when he gets home.......i'd make my husband wash his hands as soon as he walked in the door......mine's gotten kind of used to that by now

hope you have a better day....

[BenBHartnett]

Everyone has fears. Fears affect people in different ways. It all depends on the person and how they perceive the world. People who do not suffer from fears really need to realize that. I am sorry your husband was not being supportive. This is my personal opinion, and I am not insulting your husband or putting him down, but a husband needs to be supportive of his wife especially with a fear that is awful. It makes me mad when I hear that someone is not being supportive of another person. Selfishness depends on the person's motive. Your motives are not wrong. You have a real fear that affects you in real ways. Don't let anybody bring you down! You are a winner! Also, I am not saying your husband is not supportive. I am just saying that he needs to act better with this fear if he is treating you like that.

[aurora0917]

Wow, you are all so understanding. Thank you all for the kind, reassuring words. I guess I really needed that. Anyway, his cousin's wife is ok. They're not sure what it was, but they're assuming it was morning sickness related. If everyone around her starts dropping with SV's, then we'll know it's an SV (crosses fingers it's not). Whether or not this phobia is making me seem selfish in certain ways, I can see why other (like my husband) view it as such. This phobia really messes up priorities in certain situations... and that is a reason I'd like to "get over" this, but such a task isn't easier done than said. It seems our fear is so deep-seated we'd literally need to re-wire our brains. It's so hard to go at it alone, and i have missed the wondrous support everyone here gives to each other.

On another note, m husband claims he 'understands' my phobia. He acknowledges it, but won't bend himself backwards to accomodate it.

[tshell]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I have been really lucky, my fiance can't handle blood. If he sees it he passes out. So he totally understands. As for being slefish, OK so you are selfish about one thing, your health! I see nothing wrong with that. If that is all I'm selfish about then everyone better deal with it. And not to sound bad, but that is pretty much all I am like this with. I'm glad his cousin is ok. If it is a sv then just wash wash wash your hands and spray and clean! You will be ok. And remember if you need to talk about it, this is the place to come!

[cinque]

Glad she's okay and I hope it wasn't an sv*. I take it nobody else has become ill so it seems that it wasn't! Are things good with your husband now? xxx