Not quite recovered, but so nearly there

[pegsA]

Hello everyone, brace yourselves because this will be a long post, but hopefully I can put across what I want to say to all of you which is that there is hope of recovery.
I think my emetophobia started when I was 11 in primary school (elementary). My earliest memory was not being able to eat my lunch in school because I was scared, but I could never pinpoint what I was scared of. I never used to eat until after school when I was at home and felt safe, resulting in noticeable weight loss. In secondary school I noticed that something else was going on - I was bullied so I did not have the greatest self esteem and I did not feel supported much by the system. I remember being scared of sitting in the classrooms and if the temperature was turned up too high, and lunchtimes used to make me have panic attacks due to the fear of being unwell in the afternoon. I think I had panic attacks every day, and I used to feel like passing out - the only thing that would help me was deep breathing and I always carried around strong mints or chewing gum which would calm me down slightly and stop my heart racing.
Most worryingly, I started to self harm by scratching my arms and legs when I felt a panic attack coming. It sounds weird, but I felt that if I concentrated on the pain then I wouldn't think about the possibility of being ill. I didn't tell anyone at that stage about what was happening to me, I just felt that no-one would understand, and indeed my friends did not understand when I told them, I think they thought it was weird.
At about the age of 13 emetophobia was really restricting my life. I could not read anything to do with vomiting without feeling ill and if anyone around me said they felt unwell I would go out of my way to avoid them. It got to the stage that if someone said 'six' I would mishear them and begin to panic. I couldn't go to the cinema, go on long journeys, be in places with lots of people, and I definitely could not eat outside of my home without having a major panic attack.
To me, it seemed like I was wasting my teenage years away. I tried turning to my family for help, and it emerged that my Dad had suffered with emetophobia before too, but he could not offer me much advice since he couldn't remember how he had overcome it.
I suppose I started my recovery when I realized that what I was feeling was utterly ridiculous. I think I had just had enough, and it was really impacting my life to the extent that I felt I couldn't live in the same way any more. When I was 16 I suddenly had more freedom with my schooling, and the immense pressure of constricting rules and classroom etiquette was lifted to some extent. If I felt panicked then I knew that I could calm myself down in a free lesson, or I could even go home when I learned to drive. I began forcing myself into situations that I knew would be uncomfortable, such as eating lunch in a cafe or going to the cinema with friends. Once I had had a positive experience with going out then I found that I was less worried about it, and when I felt a panic attack coming on I would tell myself not to worry as I had done it before.
Of course there were ups and downs, learning to control my panic attacks meant that I became quite withdrawn from everyday life and I had to take a lot of time out for myself, but as I calmed down further I began to truly live my life.
Now I am at university, and I am honestly so glad that I dealt with some of my emetophobic problems before I came here, because you cannot live life at university without coming into contact with illness and vomiting (generally due to alcohol.) Having experienced these myself now, I do sometimes think about what I'm actually worried about since there are plenty of things that are worse than being unwell, yet I suppose that the irrationality of the fear is what made it stronger in some ways.
I won't lie, I can't say that I am completely recovered yet. Long journeys and eating in restaurants still pose problems for me, but I find that if I become more familiar with these types of experiences then it becomes easier every time.
If I could give any advice to sufferers, it would be that you should not let this phobia control your life. I did, and it is one of my greatest regrets in life. I know it is so much easier said than done, but try to be strong and challenge yourself; try to think of times when you had fun doing the things you fear the most and think on those instead of the fear.
Sorry for the long post, I hope that this has helped someone.

[aurora0917]

Thank you for sharing, you are strong and a great example for us all. It's refreshing to read more optimistic, positive posts like this