New and Feeling Overwhelmed
Good morning!
So as the title of my thread says, I am new here and feeling VERY overwhelmed. However, at the same time, I am already feeling more normal and supported just by reading a lot on this forum.
So anyway, I feel like the more time there is between when I am sick or when I v*, the higher chance that it will suddenly happen again. I've always seemed to have this irrational fear of the whole subject, and even saying the word or seeing imagery of it (be it real or fake) or hearing someone doing it makes me so sick to my stomach and shakey. I just HAVE to get out of the vicinity of it. I've turned off television shows before because one of the characters is 'sick' with a stomach bug and it made me so nervous and worried. It feels so strange to actually sit here and type this to people - for so long I just thought I was weird and something was wrong with me. Who is seriously afraid of this stuff? Well, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I really was afraid of EVERY time my stomach bothers me (and it does a lot, since I have depression and anxiety, and I tend to get worked up over everything. Also, I have Vertigo, which can make me feel nauseous when I become dizzy, and got the lovely irritable bowel from my mother and grandmother) and the more I realized that there was, indeed, something wrong with me. When I recently started 'researching' it more, I realized that while there was 'something wrong with me' it wasn't BAD nor was it something to be embarrassed about or feel outcast about. It was just a phobia, like so many other phobias that people have or can develop, and that with some support and perhaps some form of treatment, I could get over my fears and move on with my life.
The more I tried to pinpoint what actually started this fear, the more anxious and upset I'd become - I'd remember every instance I'd come across in my 23 years of life, of someone getting sick, an episode that I'd personally v*, or something of the like. When I thought back to when it really seemed to first 'bother' me, I realized it was a traumatic episode with a girl at my mothers' friend's house. I was about five years old at the time. The girl was a few years older than me, and she had a shunt in her brain that caused her to projectile v* when she became sick. This wasn't any ordinary sick, either. Anytime she'd get sick (be it noro, sv, or a bug, or even just a head cold) she would projectile v*. I had never experienced this, and had little experience with v* in general. It hadn't really seemed to bother or upset me until that day. We were all eating sloppy joes and she got extremely sick after that. Even had to be airlifted to the hospital due to her condition. Needless to say, it was everywhere, and how violently ill she had gotten really seemed to upset me. But it was strange - I wasn't openly upset. But I guess I'd let the fear and upset that that could happen to me get tangled in the depths of my brain and fester for the next 15 some-odd years until now when I just NOW realized the things I avoid and freak out about in regards to v*.
It is a huge relief to finally feel accepted by people who experience similar things. I feel like I'm not alone, and that if I talk to someone and do something about it, I can fix these feelings of anxiety and stress. It seems so silly when you think about it, because it isn't a huge deal - your body's way of ridding itself of something bad for you (toxins, poisons, too much food, etc.) but it is still so scary and traumatic for me. Recently I've been freaking out about noro. I believe I had it a while back when I was literally v* for about a week and still sore and achey and unable to eat or drink much for another two weeks. It was the WORST time I've ever experienced being sick in my entire life. I'm pretty much living in constant fear of it. Also, working at a theme park this past summer (when it hit about 112 degrees, and I had to stand directly in the sunlight) and seeing so many people get sick from being dehydrated, has ruined my experience with that job and with the park in general. I'm still scared to go back there. I feel like a nervous wreck. I'm flying in a few days and that always makes me nervous, too. Food preparation comes and goes - this last fall I had severe constipation (that's embarrassing to admit, but I had to) and it was to the point that I was nauseous. This nausea caused me to not want to eat at all - for four days straight. I seriously lost about ten pounds just in the two or three weeks that I was 'sick' with this, until I got the doctor to prescribe me some anti-nausea pills and a sugar substance to drink to flush out my system. It was horrible. I've started to at least learn when I start to feel like that again, that the nausea is usually just because of that. It's embarrassing to talk about bowels and such, but it usually puts me at ease and forces me to push away most thoughts of v* and that if I just do certain things to combat it, the nausea will go away in due time. I'm proud of that one, but it doesn't make the nausea any better at the time it is occurring.
Anyway.....I know that was a lot. There's a lot where that came from, too...but I'm glad to have found you guys and hopefully be able to talk more about my experiences and get past this horrible feeling that I get in regards to v* and things of the like. Thanks for reading!
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