Smoking, oversensitivity, and Etc.

[twinmom73]

A thread on smoking cause a bit of a ruckus on here with quite a few people disagreeing and one person even saying they were leaving the forums. I posted on the thread and was involved with the disagreement. I stand by what I said, but just wanted to clear up something. When one poster said that "they continue to get angry and try to be supportive, but sometimes this board is just a bunch of handholding and feeding of fears and addictions and oversensitive people" I told them that if they felt that way, then perhaps this wasn't the place for them. They in return responded that this obviously isnt the place and was leaving.

Some people responded to their leaving by saying that they shouldn't let something like this scare them away. Now, if this site helps that person in dealing with their Emet, I would hate to see them leave too. However, the reason I told this person to leave is for this reason....

We here on this forum all suffer from a phobia, that almost all of us keep secret, and/or people don't understand. We DO NOT like having this phobia and just want to learn how to manage it or overcome it.

If a person has a fear of heights, they can avoid high places, or if they are claustrophobic, they can avoid tight spaces. Someone with Emet cannot avoid themselves! However, The basic underlying issues of these fears along with emet are the same. But there is also a BIG different from this phobias and others. THE UNDERSTANDING of non sufferers. A person who is afraid of heights can TELL this to other people, and other people understand it, same with claustrophobia. However, you tell someone you are an Emet, they don't get it. They either think you are crazy or tell you to "just get over it". They don't understand the affect it has on someone's life!

So, it is a BLESSING to me to have somewhere to come to where people ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND what I am going through, and where I don't have to be embarassed or ashamed. So, when the rest of the world is telling me to "just deal" or I have to keep my fears a secret, it is really UPSETTING that when you come to the one place where you feel you can understanding and support, you have someone telling us we are all oversensitive and there is too much hand holding! Of COURSE there is a lot of hand holding on here... why? Because we CAN'T get it from anywhere else. Sometimes people really need to hear "It is going to be OK. You are not alone, you are not crazy!"

We are all struggling with something that is misunderstood by the rest of society, and I really feel it is detrimental if one of our fellow "sufferers" who SHOULD understand our struggles responds with the same unsupportive comments that we get every where else.

[mommyto3]

that was beautiful...well said

[KaydeeJayde]

Well said, however, I can see where the person you're talking about was coming from. At times, all this site does it feed the fear and sometimes when you're trying to recover, it does not help to come here. I personally find my phobia got ten times worse when I first came on here before I got a lot stronger. I took a bit of a break recently, so I feel a little more ready to face the fact that everyone just feeds each others fear.

Also, I think this thread is just going to cause more conflict. It might not, but be prepared.

[twinmom73]

Well said, however, I can see where the person you're talking about was coming from. At times, all this site does it feed the fear and sometimes when you're trying to recover, it does not help to come here. I personally find my phobia got ten times worse when I first came on here before I got a lot stronger. I took a bit of a break recently, so I feel a little more ready to face the fact that everyone just feeds each others fear.

Also, I think this thread is just going to cause more conflict. It might not, but be prepared.

Honestly, I would hope this thread would NOT cause more conflict. I wrote this to explain why I felt so defensive in my posts.

Do I think this forum feeds fear and phobias? I guess that would depend on the person. Some it helps, some it may only increase the fear, but at least it gives us all a place to talk to others who are fighting the same demon.

[pinogirl3321]

There is a lot of hand holding, but without hand holding how are you suppose feel comfortable in order to beat this phobia they both go hand and hand. Sometime I see it might go overboard but that's only cause I'm not in the same state they are at the time, but I'm not going to judge on how they deal with there phobia, if it helps even alittle for them its better then nothing or making them suffer through it alone, Even if it sometimes enables that person. We aren't here to tell someone how to run there lives or there phobia cause its none of businesses, and if someone doesn't it like it don't post on there thread, doesnt mean you should have to leave the site. Ill admit sometimes it does frustrate me when people do have options at hand and don't take the opportunity that they are lucky to have to get better, but like I said its there choice and we aren't here to tell them how to run there life, we are here to comfort them when they can't do it for themselves because we have all been in that state of mind. And for the smoking thing I do smoke but for another example my father was a drug addict most of my life and I could easily say it was selfish of him to let drugs take his life and leave me behind without a father, but I don't think he was. Addiction is sometimes beyond someones control and to see someone suffer from it is just plain sad.. but they aren't selfish people they are just to weak to fight and that doesn't make them a bad person. The point is we all have weaknesses to this phobia weither its hand holding or taking anti medics or smoking, we all enable ourselves in a different way.

[stoneskipper]

I am confused about why that smoking argument got so out of control. I don't think the person in question was trying to be judgmental or condescending... if it came across that way at times, couldn't we just cut them some slack based on the fact that their father is dying? I mean really think about that, it's a horrible thing, and I can't imagine what it would be/feel like. But if I was going through that, and I knew the cause, I imagine I too would feel really passionately against that thing, to the point of anger. Can't we just view it as coming from a place of compassion really? Seeing firsthand the horrible effects it can have and wanting to help others avoid those effects? It's kind of scarier thinking about a person who doesn't care if another person is on an unhealthy path. Where's the good in that? This is a forum geared towards helping people be healthier, physically and mentally, and I think stating an anti-smoking viewpoint falls under that category, falls under the category of "support" for the people here. If we're all in agreement that smoking isn't healthy and is a harmful habit to have, what is so wrong about being urged or persuaded to quit?

Also, more on the topic of this post... I agree with KaydeeJayde. A lot of this site is more anti-sickness than anti-emet. Understandable and unavoidable, obviously, but it does feed the fear. Sometimes it's better to get away from that, get your own perspective.

I agree that it's amazing to know you're not alone and not crazy. But at a certain point, that knowledge is going to become ingrained in you, and you're going to want to move beyond that to the next level. I feel like every time someone gets to that stage, they leave here. Then they come back later to try to help others with what they've learned on their own. It's a little sad. Every day there are several new posts in the 'help' sections while there are hardly ever any in the 'triumph' and 'treatment' sections. I know we all have at least minor triumphs on a regular basis. I wish those were shared more.

[kam00096]

Every day there are several new posts in the 'help' sections while there are hardly ever any in the 'triumph' and 'treatment' sections. I know we all have at least minor triumphs on a regular basis. I wish those were shared more.

I totally agree with this. It would be nice to see more triumphs but i know for myself I'm reluctant to post them because a. The crazy emet part of my brain still thinks I might 'jinx' myself (illogical I know) and b. I think I would find it hard to post a triumph/ something I'm feeling positive about and then have a bad patch and come back looking for support and help - like I had failed somehow. Anyhoo just my own thoughts on it

[twinmom73]

I am confused about why that smoking argument got so out of control. I don't think the person in question was trying to be judgmental or condescending... if it came across that way at times, couldn't we just cut them some slack based on the fact that their father is dying? I mean really think about that, it's a horrible thing, and I can't imagine what it would be/feel like. But if I was going through that, and I knew the cause, I imagine I too would feel really passionately against that thing, to the point of anger. Can't we just view it as coming from a place of compassion really? Seeing firsthand the horrible effects it can have and wanting to help others avoid those effects? It's kind of scarier thinking about a person who doesn't care if another person is on an unhealthy path. Where's the good in that? This is a forum geared towards helping people be healthier, physically and mentally, and I think stating an anti-smoking viewpoint falls under that category, falls under the category of "support" for the people here. If we're all in agreement that smoking isn't healthy and is a harmful habit to have, what is so wrong about being urged or persuaded to quit?

Also, more on the topic of this post... I agree with KaydeeJayde. A lot of this site is more anti-sickness than anti-emet. Understandable and unavoidable, obviously, but it does feed the fear. Sometimes it's better to get away from that, get your own perspective.

I agree that it's amazing to know you're not alone and not crazy. But at a certain point, that knowledge is going to become ingrained in you, and you're going to want to move beyond that to the next level. I feel like every time someone gets to that stage, they leave here. Then they come back later to try to help others with what they've learned on their own. It's a little sad. Every day there are several new posts in the 'help' sections while there are hardly ever any in the 'triumph' and 'treatment' sections. I know we all have at least minor triumphs on a regular basis. I wish those were shared more.

I understand what you are saying, and I know the poster is losing their father, which is terrible. I feel for them that they have to go through something like that. Perhaps you are right, and I should have thought more about the state of mind they were in, but I just feel like they could "encourage" someone to quit without calling someone selfish or disgusting.

You say this site is more anti-sickness than anti-emetic. I didn't think this was suppossed to be anti-emetic. I thought it was a forum that allowed emets to come to to talk, vent, and be understood by others with the same problem. I honestly dont see how this site feeds the fear, the fear is there anyhow, if it wasn't, they wouldn't be coming to this site.

[pinogirl3321]

I just want to add to this and I'm not trying to say don't feel bad for her cause I've been through it, like I said I lost my father over a drug overdose in 2006 and it was the worst day of my life I was only 20 years old and I still miss him everyday and it still hurts just as bad. But that doesn't give me permission to go out hurt other peoples feeling, and telling them they are selfish and a bad parent. Smoking cigarettes and drugs have the same ending they can both kill you. If you want to get a point across to someone that is no way to do it. No offense to her cause trust me I felt the pain of losing my father and my heart goes out to her.

[LouiseR]

I think stoneskipper said it really well, I think the poster that made those comments obviously feels very passionately about smoking because of her situation. 2 of my grandparents died of cancer from smoking, one before I was born and so when people I was friends with would start smoking during school because it was the 'cool' thing to do or whatever I would get so angry at them and throw about words like disgusting, probably seemingly unnecessarily from their point of view but I just felt very passionately about it and couldn't for the life of me see why they'd pick up a cigarette in the first place because I've seen what can happen from that one decision at a party. Obviously that sort of situation isn't applicable to everyone and people start smoking for a variety of reasons and people can do what they want but it was just something that i would be unable to hold back my opinion on.
I think the poster was definitely making sweeping statements and using words that could easily cause offence to people who don't want to come onto this support forum and find their life choices being judged but y'know, sometimes we just say stuff on here because its our opinion and forget about how other people might react but hopefully we can all do our best to avoid falling out and just accept we have different opinions, some stronger than others.

As for the hand holding thing, I know when i'm panicked I just want people to tell me everything will be ok and I won't get sick. Most of the time this genuinely is the truth because we all panic about things that actually aren't likely to make us ill. But i dont think its a bad thing to also be like yeah you're being ridiculous and worrying over nothing at all, sometimes we just need some sense knocking into us.

[LouiseR]

Pinogirl I hear what you're saying, her comments weren't particularly nice but at the same time I think she was just taking her anger and frustration out on us, especially as she can do so basically anonymously, and whilst that may not be the right thing to do and not very considerate of other peoples feeling she's obviously going through a tough time and in need of support so I don't think we should be too angry at her.

[stoneskipper]

Sorry, when I said anti-emet, I meant anti-emetophobia. As in more for the purposes of avoiding anxiety than avoiding norovirus. I'd say it's feeding the fear when the forum is mostly being used to reassure (or get reassurance) that someone will not get sick, that their symptoms don't mean anything, that they haven't been exposed, etc. I'm not saying there shouldn't be a place for that on the forum, I just wish there was more of the healthier side of the message floating around too. That a person would be okay if they did get sick. And that there are so many things people can be doing that will help their anxiety long-term, whereas getting reassurance about how you feel on a specific day is unfortunately only going to help temporarily.

Kam, I absolutely don't think anyone would see a triumph followed by a 'need for support' post as a sign of failure. We all have ups and downs. Setbacks are a part of overcoming any problem. And the jinxing thing is a perfect example of what I'm talking about. It's a part of the phobia that has a clear systematic fix (other parts are much more complicated, at least for me at this point in time). You make a list of everything you feel is a jinx and then do those things repeatedly in order of the least scary to the most scary. I know we all know logically/rationally that doing something we feel is a jinx will not cause anything bad to happen, but actually carrying out these acts helps get rid of the irrational part clinging to the idea.

[pinogirl3321]

I'm far from angry at her, I know exactly what she's going through and its horrible. But if she wants support that is no way to get it. its not just her feelings hurt, its quite of few other people too, and they could be going through just as much as her and not know. We can be passionate about something without hurting someone else. We all deal with grief in different ways but that doesn't excuse hurting another ones feelings. And I agree I totally would love to see more happy stories I've been saying that forever, or even more suggestions of beating this phobia and it stimks we don't see more of that.

[twinmom73]

I'd say it's feeding the fear when the forum is mostly being used to reassure (or get reassurance) that someone will not get sick, that their symptoms don't mean anything, that they haven't been exposed, etc. I'm not saying there shouldn't be a place for that on the forum, I just wish there was more of the healthier side of the message floating around too. That a person would be okay if they did get sick. And that there are so many things people can be doing that will help their anxiety long-term, whereas getting reassurance about how you feel on a specific day is unfortunately only going to help temporarily.


Oh, I agree, and I also want to say that I am not holding any anger at the person who made the comments about being selfish on the smoking thread.

[JadeNight]

I think a thread talking about her and assuming what she is feeling isn't exactly nice. I wouldn't exactly feel great if I decided to come back to the board a few days later to see this. I don't believe she said anything terrible. I agree that this thread can cause more conflict, even if it was intended not to. We should just mind our business and move on...

[twinmom73]

[QUOTE=JadeNight;393847]I think a thread talking about her and assuming what she is feeling isn't exactly nice. I wouldn't exactly feel great if I decided to come back to the board a few days later to see this. I don't believe she said anything terrible. I agree that this thread can cause more conflict, even if it was intended not to. We should just mind our business and move on...


In complete honesty, this thread was in no way meant to be about her, but I guess one doesn't know the direction something with take. My reasons behind this thread was to try to explain why some people may need hand holding or may seem a bit sensitive. At least the reasons why I am....

[barbiegirl]

Not in regards to the smoking thread, but in general I think there is a lot of over-sensitivity here. Most notably when people post opinions on non-emet related topics that differ from someone else's. So many people take something as basic as someone voicing a different opinion as a personal attack, then have temper tantrums, start "I'm leaving" *foot stomp, sob* or similar threads and are inevitably back within a week or two. While moderately amusing, the whole charade is rather predictable and a little pathetic.

[DeadxxInside92]

Meh I think the majority of members are oversensitive but I don't like to coddle much..mainly because I, myself, am never coddled by anyone irl which is how I prefer it.

[KaydeeJayde]

Not in regards to the smoking thread, but in general I think there is a lot of over-sensitivity here. Most notably when people post opinions on non-emet related topics that differ from someone else's. So many people take something as basic as someone voicing a different opinion as a personal attack, then have temper tantrums, start "I'm leaving" *foot stomp, sob* or similar threads and are inevitably back within a week or two. While moderately amusing, the whole charade is rather predictable and a little pathetic.

A lot of the same goes on with emet-related stuff too. I'm guilty of being a little oversensitive sometimes, but I've never pulled the "I'm leaving, you guys suck" then coming back again in a few days, mostly because I get more support here than I've had confrontation, and I've made some of the most amazing friends on here.

And Kailey, I completely agree. Personally, I think too much hand holding and coddling is pretty much the definition of feeding a phobia, it makes it seem like theres actually something to be scared of. I specifically asked my mother to stop pandering to my fear, and it's helped a LOT!

[mina16]

I didn't mean to start problems LOL I was just asking if anyone else was the same way! That's all... I understand what happens when you smoke ... I'll quit when I'm ready... I just wanted to see if anyone else felt the same as me. This is my vice just like everyone else on here has something to help calm them.

[DeadxxInside92]

Exactly. It does just feed the phobia and that's counterproductive in terms of recovery.

[KaydeeJayde]

There's been this discussion before. It seems a lot of people didn't want to recover last time it was discussed, or didn't want to be pushed into recovering. After that discussion, I almost left. Sure, some people need to be helped through panic attacks and things like that which is all well and good, but as someone said elsewhere (I can't remember if it was on this thread) this is meant to be an anti-emetophobia website, not an anti-stomach virus and vomiting forum. This is probably going to cause more problems, but sometimes being honest pays :P

[DeadxxInside92]

There's been this discussion before. It seems a lot of people didn't want to recover last time it was discussed, or didn't want to be pushed into recovering. After that discussion, I almost left. Sure, some people need to be helped through panic attacks and things like that which is all well and good, but as someone said elsewhere (I can't remember if it was on this thread) this is meant to be an anti-emetophobia website, not an anti-stomach virus and vomiting forum. This is probably going to cause more problems, but sometimes being honest pays :P

I actually made it a point to discuss that in a thread I made several weeks ago...but it was locked and I'm pretty sure it's because of what I said. When people become really defensive, I feel like they are not only defending themselves, but the phobia as well. That leads me to believe some members do not want to recover and I'm sorry if that pisses anybody off.

[barbiegirl]

I actually made it a point to discuss that in a thread I made several weeks ago...but it was locked and I'm pretty sure it's because of what I said. When people become really defensive, I feel like they are not only defending themselves, but the phobia as well. That leads me to believe some members do not want to recover and I'm sorry if that pisses anybody off.

Sometimes emet is the lesser of two evils. I know without a doubt that if I wasn't emet right now I would be sticking my finger down my throat on a daily basis. Would it be nice to not be emet anymore? Absolutely. But is it nicer not being a purging anorexic? Most definitely.

[mina16]

If I wanted to become a non emet I would go seek professional help. I don't I am perfectly fine living this way it sucks don't get me wrong, but its not like I'm a drug addict or alcoholic in which I would need help to get through my everyday life. I joined this fourm to become friends with people who are like me. All I wanted to know if there was people out there who feel the same way about smoking as I do! I will always live my life the way I want to... I refuse to let this fear get in my way but I don't want or need help to get better I am just fine!

[lizzo]

I think there is a big misconception on this board that everyone is here because they want to recover or are in the recovery process. I don't know anyone who enjoys having this phobia, per se, but I don't think that's any reason to be less supportive. There is a reason why this is called a support forum and not a recovery forum.

All I can say is, it's not fair to push your personal ideals and biases on other people. Fact: smoking is unhealthy. Fiction: smoking makes you a bad parent/person.

It's incredibly judgemental to point fingers at smokers without admitting your own demons. I am willing to bet my Macbook that every user on this website has one unhealthy habit, ie, afraid to leave the house, excessive hand washing, anti-emetic addiction, overeating, under eating. And many of those previously mentioned I am guilty of.

I think a lot of users on this forum could stand to be a bit kinder to one another, myself included.

[KaydeeJayde]

Yes, me too, Lizzo. I could definitely stand to be kinder. The reason I'm not a lot of the time is because I get frustrated. As my phobia is getting better, I see people suffering so much, but seemingly doing only things to make the fear worse, or I see things in other people that I saw in myself a year ago that I feel so much better without. And I do have some bad habits, I'm an overeater, and I get SO much judgement from that. Anyone with a bad habit is going to face a little bit of judgement at least. Not saying it's a good thing, just a fact of life, I guess.

Barbiegirl, I can understand that. I think that there was a discussion about that a long time ago as well, and I think you explained it really well and it made me think a whole lot. I can't pretend like I know how it feels but I can definitely understand that.

[DeadxxInside92]

Yes, me too, Lizzo. I could definitely stand to be kinder. The reason I'm not a lot of the time is because I get frustrated. As my phobia is getting better, I see people suffering so much, but seemingly doing only things to make the fear worse, or I see things in other people that I saw in myself a year ago that I feel so much better without. And I do have some bad habits, I'm an overeater, and I get SO much judgement from that. Anyone with a bad habit is going to face a little bit of judgement at least. Not saying it's a good thing, just a fact of life, I guess.

Barbiegirl, I can understand that. I think that there was a discussion about that a long time ago as well, and I think you explained it really well and it made me think a whole lot. I can't pretend like I know how it feels but I can definitely understand that.

This exactly. I understand this is a support group, but I don't think we should support each others' bad habits or avoidance behavior. I never encourage avoidance behavior.

[twinmom73]

To be honest, I really havent seen any encouragement of avoidance on recent threads. Most of us are encouraging people to go out and do things and try not to let this phobia take you over.

I do see a lot of posts telling people to practice good hygiene and hand washing, but I think that something people should do anyhow, and it can't hurt them.

[DeadxxInside92]

To be honest, I really havent seen any encouragement of avoidance on recent threads. Most of us are encouraging people to go out and do things and try not to let this phobia take you over.

I do see a lot of posts telling people to practice good hygiene and hand washing, but I think that something people should do anyhow, and it can't hurt them.

Fair enough. Yes, hygiene is a wonderful thing but I discourage people from washing their hands with boiling hot water 100x a day until their hands crack and bleed. That is an example of too much of a good thing. However, I wholeheartedly agree that all people should be washing their hands at the very least after they use the restroom.