panic. really need reassurance.

[EmmaO]

I'm new on this site and I'm sorry for posting two panic posts on consecutive days, but I'm having a really hard time. Thursday night I was drinking and drank more than I meant to, had a very emotional night, and woke up at 5 am Friday morning in an extreme state of panic (it didn't help that I woke up in the apartment of a friend's boyfriend and had to wait until 7 am to get on a bus to go home while feeling like absolute crap). The last time I v* it was because I was so hungover (before that it had been 12 years), so I was in a serious state of panic and just not feeling well yesterday. Finally, I was able to calm down and fell asleep for a little while, woke up, ate something and then started to feel anxious again. The anxiety and panic came and went all day (I have a severe panic disorder). I attributed it to drinking and lack of sleep. Finally around 9 pm I burst into tears and spent a few hours crying (my anxiety is often tied to avoidance of emotions), and almost immediately felt better. I fell asleep around midnight, woke up at 8, realizing I hadn't eaten in a very long time and my stomach hurt so much, but I was able to identify it as hunger, so I ate something, drank a lot of water and went back to sleep until 12. I woke up, felt alright, but then I noticed my stomach felt off. I felt gassy and crampy and immediately started to panic (shaking, feeling of throat closing, racing thoughts, heart pounding etc.), and then had some d*. It's not uncommon for that to happen after I go through days of pure panic - it puts my body through hell. Now I still don't feel great. I feel like I am flipping between n* and hunger so easily and I'm still panicking, even after taking klonopin. I can't imagine this is a sv* which would usually be my first reaction to my stomach bothering me (that would just be way too much bad luck in a 48 hour period), but I can't stop my mind from going in circles about how I don't want to v*.

I need some logic and reassurance here telling me I'm not going to v*. I need this panic to stop because I can't take it anymore, my body can't take it anymore. I need to stop my mind from racing and I want this extreme fear to go away.

[hannahb]

Hey, I'm new to this website too. Are you feeling better now? I have had very similar feelings to how you have, panic and worry over being s*. my stomach is always bad if I've had panic attacks and upset. Also alcohol used to upset my tummy a bit so that might be what it is, but I'm sure you won't v*. Hope you're ok!xx

[PhoenyxAngel]

How are you feeling now? I don't think you will v* ....it sounds like you're suffering from a lot of anxiety which will cause n* and d*.

I understand your frustrations :/ My suggestion would be therapy if you can get to a therapist. Or find someone to talk to. Even the forums will help, so don't be shy about coming on here and talking things out Sometimes people won't respond right away, but I think it does help to type things out.

[EmmaO]

I do have a therapist and even was in intensive therapy for about 8 weeks. I have so much going on in my life right now (work stress, money issues, parents possibbly getting divorced, romantic issues) and I think it's driving my anxiety insane - unfortuantely, my anxiety mainly makes me feel n* so it's a horrible cycle. I felt fine all day yesterday - went to bed early and woke up around 1am. This isn't uncommon since I rarely ever sleep through the night. I felt fine though. I even ate some cookies. About 45 minutes later I got horrible cramps, had a normal bm followed by d*. Usually, I'll have d* but it isn't painful like it was last night. I started to panic and ended up being awake until 6:30. I took klonopin - over my recommended dosage and for hours I was still violently shaking, flipping between being extremely hot and very cold (unfortunately, so many of my symptoms of panic immitate symptoms of a sv*). I felt extremely close to v*ing and at certain points my stomach felt like it was burning.

I finally calmed down and fell asleep again and woke up at 11. I immediately started to panic again and have been in a state of anxiety ever since then. I ate something while I was feeling okay and I've been sucking on cough drops (just a relaxation habit) and drinking gatorade. There's been no more d*, some gas but I still feel like my stomach hurts. I really want to be able to just attribute this to anxiety - if I was going to v* it would have happened already, right? Or if there was something really wrong I would have had more d* by now, right?

Back in September, I had something similar happen where my stomach was hurting me every single night - excrutiating pain. My GP thought it was gastritis, gave me some rantidine and told me to change my diet. I did - I barely ate anything and stuck to very bland foods, but nothing seemed to change. After three weeks of this, I went for a walk one night, hoping it would calm me down, and I came back doubled over in pain and sobbing. My dad immediately took me to the hospital where theyy gave me morphine, took blood samples, hooked me up to an IV and did a catscan. Right after the catscan, the morphine wore off and I was back to being in pain. Then the doctor came in and told me there was literally nothing wrong with me. Everything came back normal and there were no problems. Almost immediately after hearing that, the pain went away. The next day I woke up with a ton of d*, but no pain at all. My therapist thought that it might have been because my anxiety was so bad it was having horrible effects on my digestive system, and the knowledge that nothing was wrong with me, combined with the relaxtion of the morphine, might have just allowed my body to relax enough to release all the gasses and whatever else.

I don't want that to happen again - I don't want to work myself up into a state where I mentally create such intense physical pain (because although there was nothing wrong with me, the pain was very, very real).

I couldn't go to work today and I'm just very, very stressed. I hate that I had to take the day off, I hate what's going on with my family, I hate that I had a romantic affair with my boss and now I feel like I let him down everyday because I can't control my anxiety. I just want to cry and cry and cry. Last Friday, I felt so awful and finally burst into tears and while I was crying, all the physical pain went away. So much of my anxiety is born from not being able to cope with my emotions - especially sadness. Within the first 5 years of my life my mother passed away, two uncles passed away, my dad entered a deep depression and wasn't there for me, my grandmother lived with me - but when my dad got remarried, she moved away - so I grew up believing that everyone who loves me will abandon me and I associate sadness with severe trauma so I avoid it at all costs. Instead, I just panic.

I think I'm just in a severe state of stress. I just got off the phone with my dad and he said that we have to talk tonight, which I'm pretty sure means me and him are going to move out and now I feel like I'm going to have d* again.

I don't know how to deal with any of this - it's all too much, and on top of it it makes me feel so sick to my stomach. It's just too much and I can't take it. My stomach hurts and my heart is breaking and I'm so scared. I need to face everything that's going on but it's so hard for me so instead I just focus on my stomach and freaking out about v*ing. I don't think I have a sv* despite the d* but I want all the pain to go away, emotional and physical.

[PhoenyxAngel]

I understand how stressors from our daily lives can cause the emet. fear to rise. It's happen to me too recently. But I do honestly think that if you were actually sick, you would have v*ed or had more d*. The fact that you're able to eat or drink Gatorade and keep it down.....if you were sick you wouldn't be able to do that.

To me it really does sound like the stress you're going through is causing these symptoms. But I'm not a doctor, I can't say that for sure. It just seems that way based on what you're written. Just wondering: do you have a history of ulcers in your family? Any stomach pains could be the result of that. I'm experiencing that now (I think...). I've been dealing with stomach pains and the likes nearly every day.