How Emet Works for Me ... and What I'm Doing About It

[Reebes]

Hello all!

I've been lurking around for a few months and thought I'd actually post.

I'm Rebecca and I'll be 38 in a few weeks and have been an emet as long as I can remember. It started in earnest when I was 12 - I contracted a stomach virus at just about the same time my parents, who had been divorced for about 5 years, were both getting remarried; it was traumatic for me. Soon after the stomach virus, I became terrified to eat. I would only pick at food, would cry when my parents tried to get me to eat, slept with a bowl next to my bed, in case I got sick in the middle of the night, etc. This went on for a few months and then one day it basically stopped.

From the time it stopped until I was about 33, I would say I was low-level emet. I've never been on a roller coaster in my life, I would get internally hysterical if a stomach virus was going around, but I was fine. I got both an BA and an MBA, dated, got married, traveled around the world, etc. Getting sick was a fear way back in my head, but I lead a totally normal life. In fact, after starting to drink in college, I could easily deal with someone being sick around me (which as a child, I couldn't). In all those years, I was never once sick (like many emets, I have a stomach of iron).

When I was 33, I moved from Milwaukee, WI to Dallas, TX for a job, something I wanted to do, but which was stressful and difficult nonetheless. About six months after the move I was traveling for business and ate some bad chicken in an airport. I got food poisoning, and was sick, several times, in about 12 hours. While it was gross, it was not NEARLY as bad as I feared. It really wasn't that bad. The immediate change is that I instantly went back to being a vegetarian (which I had been thinking about doing anyway; the chicken just sealed the deal).

However, a few weeks after that, I had a panic attack in a resturant - I thought I was going to get sick. That sent me down the spiral I've been on the past four and a half years. I've lost 40 lbs during this time; at this point I'm 5'6" and 120lbs, because I am afraid to eat. And while I was a little chubs when this started, I'm getting to the "way too thin" point now. I hate eating in restaurants and eating in front of anyone, except my husband, is extremely stressful. I've been on anti-depressants (I went off in part because I was feeling better - they did help - and in part because I didn't like some of the side effects). I quit drinking alcohol entirely (and being from WI, I love a drink!). I also decided that I had bad acid reflux and started taking Zantac twice a day (which has not done me any favors, and I'm now trying to stop taking it). One thing I think is interesting is that I'm not at all gemophobic, like many emets seem to be. I wash my hands a normal amount, but I am not obsessed with cleanliness at all.

The worst part for me is the fear of eating. Because the truth is I'm hungry ALL THE TIME, but am scared to eat. I make sure I never, ever feel full. Feeling full sends me into an instant panic. I eat tiny bits of food all day long, but never a full meal. I know that many people think I've got an eating disorder. And while I would agree that my eating habits are disordered, I do not have anorexia nervosa.

Lately, I realized a few things - the time I was sick at 12 and the time I was sick at 33 were both during traumatic times during my life... so my subconcious mind is linking being sick with times of emotional stress. And because this last bout started when I was eating in a restaurant with colleagues, it ingrained this fear of eating in me. Hitting on that has helped. As part of this, I've been listening to a hypnotherapy download on my iPhone every night as I go to sleep. It's from Joseph Clough (someone one here mentioned it and I downloaded it) and it's actually helping. I don't know if it's just because I want it to help, but who cares?

Very importantly, I decided to stop hating myself. I used to sit - in a panic - and say to myself over and over again - "I hate myself. Why can't I be normal? What's wrong with me? I hate myself." I've stopped this. I don't hate myself; in fact, I love who I am as a person. There is nothing to hate and I won't allow myself to do it anymore.

To conquer my fear of eating ... we'll, that is harder. But I'm trying to do it. This entire time I've continued to force myself to eat with other people. At work, I eat lunch with friends most days, even though I'd always rather eat alone. But I don't. I tell myself that whatever I eat is a triumph and not beat myself up. I eat whenever I'm hungry, no matter the time of day. So what if it's not lunchtime? If I'm hungry, I eat something.

I appreciate any stories you have to share and any insights you may have. I've found this site very comforting; knowing I have a community who knows exactly what I'm feeling is a big help too.

[cinque]

Hello Rebecca! Sounds like you are doing pretty well in managing the phobia. Have you had any talking therapy or CBT as you may benefit from this quite a bit? You are so right not to hate yourself. Having a phobia is not a reason to feel guilty. Everyone has their quirks, I feel. Certainly I would agree with your attitude to food - eat when you are hungry. It's good to encourage yourself to do things that make you anxious - i.e. eat in company - but I think it's also important to have a good relationship with food; i.e. to like and enjoy it rather than it always feeling forced/a chore. I do enjoy food and I am trying to get into cooking so I have more of a healthy relationship with it. Welcome to the forum xxx