Newcomer: Looking for some direction

[Leardammer]

Hi all.

I'm a newcomer to this site, but certainly not a newcomer to this kind of phobia. I'm here to share with you guys my story, and i hope some of you can share with me ways to deal with this problem. First and foremost i'd like to apologize in case i go into too much detail here, as i know some of you may be sensitive to the things i'm about to discuss, so just giving you guys a caution.

Anywhoo, Let me give you guys a brief background of my story:

I'm 26 years old, male, living in England. For the longest time i've had this strange relationship with V'ting (i'm respecting your fears here guys - not going to say the whole word :P).

Firstly, i have no memory of ever v'ing in my life, bar the odd vague memory of having the heaves as a kid. This is a pattern i intend to keep this way. Why? Well i watch what i eat like a hawk, and always have done. To the extent where i was incredibly OCD'ish about hygiene and cleanliness growing up. I became seriously underweight and ended up having to receive psychological help. Back then, i don't think any of the "professionals" i saw recognized my fear as a serious thing, and perhaps their reasoning was "this was just a symptom of some other underlying issue". As a result, i find this entire subject incredibly difficult to talk about, even though i've been receiving psychological help over the years, i've never plucked up the courage to discuss this issue openly, face to face with someone. I feel terribly embarrassed and ashamed because i know my subconscious mind makes it a mountain out of a molehill. And those who have often experienced illness often say the nausea is actually far worse than the act of v'ing itself. And, although i can say they're likely true, i just can't seem to believe it on the level that causes me so much stress.

My earliest memory of ever being physically ill was when i was very young, and, for some reason, my mother was terribly upset about the ordeal, which i gather contributed to my later life fear of being sick. Fortunately for me, i don't really remember the "act" that well, all i do remember is my mother was pretty upset.

Now, with this said, i'm not blaming her for my problem - ultimately it was a conclusion my mind reached on it's own, something i take responsibility for. I don't blame them for the problems i have today.

My problem isn't quite the v itself, rather it's the act of doing it that terrifies me. Whenever i feel even mildly nauseated, i often break out into clamminess, shivers, and ultimately, panic and hysteria. I don't ever quite know what to do with myself and it really, really does terrify me. Witnessing other's V? doesn't bother me. Seeing v? nope, don't care. If it's me v'ing? Well, that's one hell of a poop storm. I really do get so worked up and frightened over the entire ordeal that it not only scares me, but also leaves me so bloody frustrated with myself, too. Sometimes i wonder if it's a fear of "doing it wrong" and going out in Jimi Hendrix style (ie: choking) as I do have a very weak gag reflex - something doctors (endoscopy) and dentists have always complimented me on! - and i guess i fear that maybe, unless i "prompt" myself right, i may die.

In regards to my health, i've always suffered with a pretty sensitive (and weak) stomach that causes me alot of heartburn and upsetting sensations. to couple with this i also believe i suffer with IBS as do most members of my family. All of which, don't exactly help my phobia/issues and in fact, from a early age probably triggered it.

Now i'm older, my fear doesn't have the grasp over me as it did growing up. I tend to take each day as it comes and not think about it. However, if things arn't working quite as they should down there, that's when fear starts to take hold, and i'm back into that old pattern of fear and torment. And if it's a particularly bad spell, i fall back into destructive habits such as obsessively watching what i eat, overdoing cleanliness, etc. Rinse and repeat.


Anyway, i won't bore you guys with any more details. I hope you guys can relate and if so, please share how you manage to cope or if there's anything that could help me (us) overcome this really annoying phobia.


Thanks for any replies .

[nbutcher97]

Hey,

I totally get where you're coming from with pretty much everything you just said. I'm exactly the same, if I feel the slightest bit nauseous my brain goes into overdrive, overanalysing what I've eaten that day and I start to shiver and my heart starts to race and I sweat and I just have to pace up and down until and often for a long time after the original nausea has passed. But, of course, being anxious just makes me more nauseous so the whole cycle starts again.

Also, like you, V*ting was never a normal part of my childhood. I can count the number of times I remember actually doing it on one hand, and not for 8 years. (saying that, I'm a teenager so I guess my childhood is not completely gone yet XD )

I think the only advice I can give is the same that every emetophobic will give. Distract yourself. We all know it's not a permanent solution to the problem. But in those horrible times when you have to stop yourself running to the toilet every 2 minutes, it really is the best, and sometimes only, thing you can do. Do whatever you love doing that takes your mind off it. Play Musical instruments, tidy up, online games are great, crosswords, sudokus, pray, meditate, do whatever you need to to calm yourself down. Try not to do the same thing every time because your brain could start to associate it with the panicking and you might be desensitised to the activity. But Distraction is key.

And finally, try not to see it as your 'fault' that you have this horrible phobia. No matter what happened when you were young, your brain subconsciously made this connection, so you mustn't blame yourself for it. I see emetophobia as two goals. The short term goal is to avoid being sick, the long term is to realise that V*ting is a natural and safe process performed by your body. But hey, most of us on here aren't there yet. And that's why we're here, to help each other out.

Hope this helps

[Leardammer]

Hey,

I totally get where you're coming from with pretty much everything you just said. I'm exactly the same, if I feel the slightest bit nauseous my brain goes into overdrive, overanalysing what I've eaten that day and I start to shiver and my heart starts to race and I sweat and I just have to pace up and down until and often for a long time after the original nausea has passed. But, of course, being anxious just makes me more nauseous so the whole cycle starts again.

Also, like you, V*ting was never a normal part of my childhood. I can count the number of times I remember actually doing it on one hand, and not for 8 years. (saying that, I'm a teenager so I guess my childhood is not completely gone yet XD )

I think the only advice I can give is the same that every emetophobic will give. Distract yourself. We all know it's not a permanent solution to the problem. But in those horrible times when you have to stop yourself running to the toilet every 2 minutes, it really is the best, and sometimes only, thing you can do. Do whatever you love doing that takes your mind off it. Play Musical instruments, tidy up, online games are great, crosswords, sudokus, pray, meditate, do whatever you need to to calm yourself down. Try not to do the same thing every time because your brain could start to associate it with the panicking and you might be desensitised to the activity. But Distraction is key.

And finally, try not to see it as your 'fault' that you have this horrible phobia. No matter what happened when you were young, your brain subconsciously made this connection, so you mustn't blame yourself for it. I see emetophobia as two goals. The short term goal is to avoid being sick, the long term is to realise that V*ting is a natural and safe process performed by your body. But hey, most of us on here aren't there yet. And that's why we're here, to help each other out.

Hope this helps

Thanks for the reply, appreciate it .

The entire thing really drives me crazy, though. Sometimes i get just as you describe, fear takes over and my mind races; "what have i done wrong?" "What did i eat?" Etc, etc. Then, when i realize what i'm doing, i almost start laughing at myself because it's just so ridiculous. Sometimes i just feel the urge to force myself to be bad just to make it pass, but despite thinking it, i never pluck up the courage to do so. Sometimes i really think it's a "control" issue, and being out of control of myself/my body is just so utterly terrifying for me. Sometimes just having the flu can make me pretty upset - i'm a big baby overall when it comes evne to mild illnesses, but nausea especially freaks me out.

Whats funny is that it's not often i even get nauseated, unless i over-exert myself, eat too much (or don't eat enough) or smell/eat something very, very foul. Even though my stomach itself is particularly weak (reflux, heartburn etc) very little actually cases me to feel nauseated, so luckily, i find these "panic" moments far and few between. I Guess this is why i've been able to function as well as i have so far in my life.

I have noticed that, over the years, i naturally developed "coping" mechanics to help deal with these moments. Doing the things you suggested - playing games, browsing the web, or playing an instrument. In circumstances where this hasn't been possible, i'd go as far as to self arm - never with instruments, usually by drawing blood with my nails. I found that the pain was intense enough to offer a good distraction, and it additionally was an outlet for my frustration. This is something i was always aware to keep in check and not do excessively.

The shame really does bother me somewhat - especially as i suspect it's more common among women than men. This is the first time in a very long time i've been able to discuss this secret fear with anyone (Gotta love the anonymity of the net). Even though i think my immediate family do suspect i have some sort of OCD/Fear like issue with illness and disease, something which i can't even discuss with them.

Sigh, this phobia really does suck. I do hope though regular visits to this forum and talks with people like yourself will help me further understand this problem within myself .

Again, thanks for the reply.