TOTAL relapse - please help, absolutely desperate

[LittleFlo]

Hi everyone, quick background: had bad emet as a child/teen, lead to an eating disorder (wouldn't eat meat, poultry, shellfish, dairy, rice, anything that contained eggs, anything out the fridge/freezer). Pretty severe and had to have out-patient psychiatric care for it. Anyway by the time I was 18 I had made great progress. I've just finished a three year arts degree in London (moved out my hometown to do it) and I'm 22 tomorrow. I've eaten almost completely normally these past three years.

However, I've had a lot of stress recently (missed my finals at uni due to hospitalization because of heart and kidney problems) though managed to complete my degree, I've obviously lost the structure of uni, lost contact with friends there (though some I have deliberately shunned as they disbelieved how ill I was in hospital though that's a long story), I've had ongoing family issues due to religious differences and cancer, my once supportive boyfriend has turned abusive because of nervous exhaustion, I've got money problems, I'm moving house because I'm dealing with a dodgy landlord, and I'm faced with the prospect of being an unemployed and disillusioned graduate.

So here's where the emet comes in. My fear of v* has subsided but never completely gone away, in that although it doesn't adversely affect my day to day life anymore, any exposure or near exposure to it, either in person, on tv, etc, etc, sends me into complete panic. Hence why I'm on this forum. The eating disorder I had made me feel in control over what I could eat and the chances of getting FP/v*, as, conversely, the biggest fear of v* for me is losing control, of my body that is. Now that I'm going through the most stressful time in three years of my life, I can feel the disorder coming back. Not even gradually - but suddenly. I had learnt to eat whatever I wanted and feel confident that that didn't mean I would be ill necessarily - now all foods feel suspicious again.

I am returning to old habits, all of a sudden. I'm googling 'high risk foods', I have strong feelings of fear in leaving the house, I daren't drink any alcohol, I won't eat anything out my fridge...etc, etc. This has started to happen literally in the past few days and it's terrifying.

I hate to admit this but it's making me feel suicidal. I am overwhelmed by own fear again, when I thought I had made so much progress. I am so scared my life is going to spiral out of control. I feel afraid to talk to anyone because I don't think I will be taken seriously, which exacerbates the extreme emotions of guilt and shame I am feeling.

I don't really know what else to say - it's a complex situation. I'm just desperate for some advice, the more practical the better.

Thank you in advance, Emily xxx

[twinmom73]

Look at it like this...in the 4 years from 18 to 22, were you ever sick to your stomach? If not, then obviously not avoiding those things didnt make you sick.

[LittleFlo]

I have had two episodes of v* in that time, which were very distressing. I can't say whether they were food-borne or not. In my mind, avoiding all these foods decreases the chances of v* and that's what I feel the need to be in control of now.

[twinmom73]

Avoiding food will not decrease the chance of vomitting, the only thing it will decrease is the amount of stuff coming out when you do, and Dry heaves are no fun!

[artoo16]

I'm so sorry to hear about all that is going on right now, and with all that stress, old habits will come back, especially the feeling of having control over something. Is it possible to see a therapist or doctor to help you through this? Is there anyone you can talk to? Sometimes it just helps to be able to talk it all out. Try to fight your urges to go back to your food controlling, I know it's hard, but you know this won't be good for you, especially if you have health concerns. I hope you are able to find some help.

[socitycourty]

I have had a relapse too. In my case also due to stress, I just had a baby who is constantly fussy and doesn't sleep much. So I had a return of my symptoms pretty much overnight one day.

i understand about the suicidal feeling, i've had them too. but I know that there are people who count on me and would miss me and that keeps me going.

try and get help before it gets out of control again ((HUGS))

[Elski]

Whoa! Loads going on in your life at the moment. It sounds like there's all these things going on around you which are out of your control, which you're finding very stressful. Your head is wanting some control over something and the eating thing is one way of exercising some control, in an otherwise turbulent time.

Are you linked to any support services? Are you able to chat to an understanding family member or friend who knows your past probs? I don't think you should try and tackle this on your own. You've recognised things are starting to go downhill so hopefully you can nip things in the bud before it gets too bad - get some support as soon as you can x

[rn1071]

Do you have a therapist that you can get back in with? I struggle much more with emetophobia when I am under stress. Sometimes seeing a therapist and adding meds can get you through a rough patch. Don't lose hope. Once you get a handle on things, you will feel a lot better.

[AoD]

There's definitely a lot going on in your life right now, and obviously that can bring back a lot of anxiety. Do you still have access to the healthcare at school? It might help you to book therapy sessions just to talk with someone about all this, it could help you feel better. I know that when I am overwhelmed by stress that's what helps the most, and having someone just say "look, it's going to be alright". There's no shame in being stressed in times like these, and you could use someone to support you. Thing is, foods are safe if you prepare them yourself and cook them properly. That would be a healthy way to have some control. Buy dairy and chicken and so on, but tell yourself that since you're the one cooking the chicken you can check every piece to see if it is cooked properly so you'll know you're safe. Make only what you'll eat now, so you don't have to worry about leftovers. You don't have to fear the food and cut them out to feel in control, you need to shift the focus of "control" on quality control of preparation instead of the foods themselves.

Also, relapses happen, don't feel bad about it. It happens to the best of us, even those who are practically over their emet. It doesn't mean you won't get better again! It does feel hopeless sometimes, but you managed to get through it once, you have the strength to do it again I'm sure. What's important now is to take some time to take care of yourself. Find something that makes you feel relaxed, like reading or even just taking a hot bath. Tell yourself it's ok, you stumbled and it happens, you're going through rough times but things will get better.