OT - A girl I know is pregnant and scared

[kmarie]

OK..so here's a little history....the girl is my former bosses 20 yera old daughter..the boss still works n my office but isnt my supervisor any more.


Her daughter is..well.. slow...she has the mentality of maybe a 13 or 14 year old in most aspects....she drives...cant hold down a job...but finished high school (as far as I know).


She also lies..and has a lot of problems..but deep down is very kind and just very confused.


Well..as you read..shes now pregant..VERY early stages..and scared to death..the b/f is in the picture but now pressuring for an abortion..as is pretty much everyone around her.


she is scared to death to do that and really doesnt want to for many reasons..one being that she is against it..and the other involving and incident where she was "touched" in bad ways (though I dotn knwo if this is the truth given ehr past histroy of lies)...


She called ehre looking for her mom..and lost it when I told ehr she wasnt here..and I talked to ehr for a while (we went to school together)...shes destraught and doesnt knwow hat to do..everyone is pushing for an abortion but she doesnt know..shes tossing around adoption..but no one will listen to her or take her seriously..


I feel horrible for this girl..she is very slow..and ahrd to deal with a lot..but right now she needs support..and I am very afraid shes not getting it...she is in NH with her father..her mother and I are up in ME...she has asked me not to tell her mom that I know and that we have talked..which is fine..


my problem is this..i dont know what to do for her...i have printed stuff off the planned parenthood web-site about her options..with little checklists and stuff..and am going to mail it to her...I also gave her all of my phone numbers so she coudl call me...even though she usually drives me nuts i cant help but feel the need to help her.


I dont aheva clue what shes going through...but ims ure shes scared to death...and...i know her family and am sure they arent supportive hardly at all..


any advice? Im nto trying to turn this into a debate on abortion or anything..i just wonder what I should do to help her

[emms]

This may be a small piece of advice, but I think you had it dead on when you said support. I think there is a fine line between support and advice/help. A few years back, a very good friend of mine got into the same type of situation. I really only wanted to lend my support (whatever her decision was, she needed to know I supported and loved her), but wound up basically scheduling an abortion for her. I wish now that I did not do that (she needed to make her own decision, not the one that I would have made in the same situation). Years later, we are all adults and she, too regrets her decision, but at the time, I knew how I would have felt in the same situation, and the kind of help I would have wanted.I'd say that the best road to take is the road of support, not guiding her to make a decision one way or another.

[kmarie]

Yes..ia gree..i have personal feelings on what woudl eb ebst for the situation..but i dont know..because I am not her..so I will not say what I think is best..i will just help her find all the ifnormation she can...and be there to lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on...


anyone know of other places to get good info on different options?

[shiva]

Has she mentioned anything about possibly putting the baby up for adoption? Is she capable of taking care of a baby? Does she have the support to pull it off. I would definitely make sure that whatever she decides, someone helps her keep this from happening again.


Her mom isn't very supportive?

[swiftette]

God, that is sooo sad.I think she needs to talk to her family about this. You are soooo kind to be giving her support and freindship-which she do doubt needs right now.But it's such a touchy subject and I'm afraid for you to "dive in to deep". It may not even be true-mabey she is just late. And the inappropriate touching part-YIKES!Your heart is in the right place but don't get over your head.I've been blessed with two beautiful,healthy children, but I also had an abortion.Not a day goes by that I don't think about it.I have a lot of guilt about it. At the time, I felt there was no other way. I would NEVER pass judgement on anyone who gets one. But I considered myself pro-life before I was in that situation.But see, you never know. Not very many people know that I had it.But it IS one of many choices on what to do if you become pregnant. I don't think I could have gotten threw it if it was'nt for the support of my mom. So that is why I think she should confide in her. Because even if it IS what she chooses to do, it's gonna be tough to deal with afterwards.

[stella9]

There is nothing you can, or should, do. I know you feel bad for
her, but I agree with emms. While you want to help, whatever
decision you make for her or help to persuade her to do may not be the
right one. This one is way too big for you to get even remotely
involved.



Stella

[kmarie]

well thanks for those who have supported me with my plan to help her as best I can..


For those who say I shouldnt get involved..its to late..she has already talked to me.. could you honestly say that if a girl who you knew came to you with this problem you would keep yourself out of it?


I have an idea of what woudl eb ebst..but I really dont know..so I would never sway her towards one option or another..i just want to make sure she knwos all fo her options and has a friend who she can talk to..i want to be there as a friend..somoen she can tlak to about anything..and if she needs help finding information about stuff then I will help her..but I will never give her my opinion..this is somthing she must choose on her own.


She is not fit to be a mother..i knwo that..and everyone around her knows that except her..but..she is now..and ahs to figrue somthing out..i knwo for a fact that because of her young mental state people will try and push things on her..maybe things she doesnt want..or cant handle emotionally..so she just needs support..and I guess thats what I will be there for.

[shiva]

Well, I guess maybe you should just explain to her the urgency of deciding very soon what she is going to do. If she is going to have an abortion, the sooner the better. She needs to know that after this experience is said and done she needs to practice safe sex also. Seriously, maybe something like an open adoption where she can still be a part of the baby's life, but not be the sole provider might be a great option for her. I don't know how hard that is to pull off, though. And, I hate to admit it out loud, but people might hesitate about taking her baby if she is not all there mentally. Is there anything you can think to say to get her thinking rationally about her capacity as a mother? Are there any women you know with newborns that she can spend a day with?? To see what is involved..


I know how you feel. When someone comes to you with a problem it's hard to ignore it. Especially such a major problem. It sounds like she does need someone to be there for her to bounce ideas or thoughts off of who is unbiased. I hope everything works out. It just sucks because with a great support system, if her family would take on some major responsibility she could probably experience motherhood and that could maybe help her grow tremendously. But, I agree she shouldn't do this on her own..

[swiftette]

I would'nt say I'd keep myself out of it-just at a close distance. Sometimes despite all our good intentions, people take advantage of our good nature. I think what you are doing is verykind, but just be cautious. Do'nt get hurt in the process.

[SimplyMe]

That is so sad. I agree that just being willing to listen to her and support her is really all you can do (and you are doing that) but that ultimately it will have to be her decision or that of her legal guardian if she is not capable of making the choice herself. I dont' envy you being thrown into this situation but you seem to be making the best of it. Good luck!