I must hate myself

[bakogirl]

I really think I just hate myself. I've been feeling bad all day. Just generally later on I started stressing on my stomach. My kids and husband have bad colds. I haven't ate all day except a slice of pumpkin bread after I woke up. So I was laying here thinking maybe its because I need to eat something. So I pig out on chex mix that my sons grandma makes. Then I pig out on her delicious peanut butter fudge rice crispy treats. When I eat one I can't stop until I'm miserable. And that's what happened. Now I'm laying here stressing about my stomach and my sons. Because he's asleep on me and he's making all kinds of noises because of his cold. Plus he's sweating all over me.

I really think I hate myself to have to go through this constantly. Nobody I know or have I ever known had so many issues.

[Momma2tworockstars]

I'm sorry your feeling this way. Sometimes I feel like I have so many more issues than anyone. It's a vicious cycle because than I feel even more anxious.

I used to not eat for long periods of time then pig out on m&ms. Then I would feel soo extremely sick. Over the years I've found that I'm better to eat small meals and healthy snacks, bland foods if I'm not feeling well. Maybe try that.

Also I've learned over the years that if my kids aren't feeling well to keep a bucket or bowl nearby. If helps me feel a little less anxious, kind of eases the what if they get sick. I know that could make some people more anxious though.

[bakogirl]

Same as you. I use to suffer from anorexia. I could stop eating anything for a long time. But I would have to start eating small amounts real slow before I could start to eat regular again. Then later on my body would just go into automatic starvation mode and if I ate I would binge eat. That doesn't seem to happen as much anymore.
But I do the same thing. If my kids look questionable I keep a bucket near. But I do it when they are not looking because "the bucket" freaks them out. But if they tell me flat out they don't feel well I don't care I make them take the bucket with them. I also make sure all paths are clear to the rooms. I can't sleep if the bathroom door is closed, and my husband always shuts it which drives me crazy. But I don't say anything to him cuz he's already irritated over the whole emet issue. Plus if I feel questionable about my kids I'll lay stuff on the floor. It's a nightmare. Being an emet is bad enough. Throw kids in the mix and it makes it worse.

[Momma2tworockstars]

I'm sorry to hear your husband is annoyed by your emet. Mine is too, he's threatened to leave with the kids if I didn't tone it down a little. I was a wreck after he has food poisoning this year.

Lol I though I was the only one who makes a path! I have a huge fear of my stuff getting ruined by v*. I won't buy any house stuff that I really like or that is expensive because I am so scared of it getting ruined by v*.

I love my kids so incredibly much, but sometimes I still question (they are 5 & 7) what I was thinking to have kids. Sometimes I feel bad that they got me as a mom. I feel like they miss out on so much because of my emet.

[bakogirl]

I too own nothing nice. But I don't want anything nice either. My 2 yr old is horrible. He uses just about every piece of furniture as a napkin. My husband always talks about how many rugs I buy. But I a ton of easily washed cheap rugs and have them everywhere "just in case". Oh the things we do. People think being emet us weird. If only they knew the things we do as our just in case. Our strange daily/nightly rituals. When we all have to go out somewhere, I scan the ground like a radar. I call it mystery substance, but my husband makes fun of me and says well its not mystery substance, it's already confirmed to you. It's a nightmare. I didn't plan on having kids, but I wouldn't trade them for anything. Well some days I might. I do feel bad for them though. I fear my fear will rub off on them. I doubt it though. But I feel bad when they do get sick and I look like someone from the CDC with big gloves and face mask. Plus I freak out over everything and question them constantly which really makes my husband mad.

I didn't eat much today and when I didn't it didn't hit me right. Now I'm laying in bed so thirsty. But every thing makes me scared. I'm scared I'll drink too much then get sick. I really feel like I could guzzle a gallon if water right now.

[stopthissong]

I agree with you. This phobia is like self hatred... It's like self harm going through this every moment of life. The one thing that keeps me sane is knowing I'm not the only one, and that people are supportive of me and they are complete strangers but they know exactly what I'm going through. You must be a great mum. Things get better, even if only for a little while.