Why Don’t they understand?

[yenn]

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. Before we got together as a couple we were best friends for about 5 years. In this time I kept nothing from him - he knew I was depressed he knew about my phobia and he knew about other deeply personal things. Since we got together as a couple he treats me so differently than he did when we were just friends, I feel I mean less to him now than I did then, but that's not the issue here.


He is supposed to be supportive of me, as my boyfriend he is supposed to want to protect me, to look after me, to tell me everything will be alright. Last night I freaked out because one of my little sisters V** when I was supposed to be going out and I considered not going out in case I was ill too. He shouted at me, called me stupid, said I was letting the phobia get a hold of me too much, said my behaviour is ridiculous, told me I use "the phobia" as an excuse for all of my "stupid" behaviour and that I use my therapist as a crutch. How can he say all these things? It was him that pushed me into therapy in the first place, and he said last night in a way I was better before it because I didn't rely on anything so much as I do now, he says it's "stupid" to hang my ability to be relaxed on whether I can go speak to another human or not. He should know what it's like because he had therapy himself when he was depressed.


I just don't understand.








Sorry for the rant.

[Jenneh]

the thing is; i'm sorry to have to say this i know it won't help but: he sounds normal.


non-emetophobes find it very very hard to understand emetophobic behaviour, and can you really blame them? they have no idea what it's like to fear a simple bodily action so much you will consider holding back everything just to avoid them.


maybe he is frustrated you are like this; and deep down just wants you to be able to enjoy yourself without this phobia. but his anger and frustration has got to come out somewhere, mayb its better its coming out THRU the phobia, not you as a person.


try and think of it like this: he's angry at the phobia and the way the phobia makes u behave, not you personally. he should realise that as well so maybe you could remind him of that ?


in the end don't ruin a good relationship just because of the phobia, thts what it wants to happen, surely. you need al the supprt you can get throughout this therapy; he sounds like he is supportive but he just has his moments when his anger overtakes him.


Jen xxxxxx

[mia3]

I agree with Jenneh, My husband got me to get help but he still doesn't understand. He getstired of it when i get weirded out by any physical feelings i get upset over.


I think your boyfriend is frustrated with the phobia not you.But it is no excuse to say thoughs things to you.The way you were behaving is not stupid at all I think he should say he is sorry.Good luck.

[samara's on tv]

Sometimes when you are friends with someone and then become lovers you see a whole other side of them. I was friends with a girl for a while and then we started dating (Yes I'm female) But anyway she changed A LOT when I started dating her. She was a different person, it seemed odd to me. When you are friends with someone sometimes it's easier to understand their problems because you don't really have to LIVE with it. Am I making any sense? Anyway I agree with Jenneh he's probably just mad at the phobia and not you. I know I would be frustrated with anyone who had my phobia if I didn't have it.


~Monica

[yenn]

He told me the other day he doesn't beleieve I have the phobia. I dunno, maybe he thinks I'm trying for attention or something which would be wrong because he's one of about 4 people I've told about this. I don't get it.

[swiftette]

Emet. is just sooo hard for people to understand. Tell them your afraid of heights,or flying in planes-those they get. They figure, if you're afraid of heights-no ferris wheel rides. If you're afraid of plane rides-you plan on taking trains.But it is hard for"normal"people to "get" emetophobia because v* is much more out of our controll-as well as theirs. Men especially have this"thing" that they want to solve our problems and when they can't, it frustrates them and in turn, they act out in anger. And it's like Monica said, it is sooo frustrating for people.Because of the compulsivness of this phobia, we have to talk about it alot and analyze(sp?) it and it keeps us from our everyday livessometime. It's very difficult for us when someone we live with is sick with N* orV* and you must be sooo scared right now. And if he does'nt understand, mabey he could go with you to your therapist or even let him readsome of the posts from here and see there are ALOT of people with this phobia.

[yenn]

I guess, but then he doesn't seem all that interested to be honest. I don't think reading this site (If I could even get him to) would make any difference at all.

[japa]

yenn -- if he thinks that you don't really have a phobia, then that explains all of his nasty behavior to you. He must think that you are trying to get attention. I would print out the information that Sage wrote to give to therapists, and I would give it to him to read, even if he seems uninterested and even if you believe it won't help. If reading that does not change his thinking, then honestly, he is probably not the best guy to be with.

[sage]

Yes, go ahead and print it and give it to him....but I wouldn't expect a big transformation to happen. It sounds to me like what he's telling you says a whole hell of a lot more about him than it does about you.


The "yelling" could be translated something like this: "I CAN'T STAND THAT YOU HAVE THIS PHOBIA ANYMORE! IT'S MESSING WITH MY LIFE! I WANT A NORMAL GIRLFRIEND! I WANT TO BE IN CONTROL! I FEEL HELPLESS! I CAN'T FIX IT WHEN YOU'RE LIKE THIS! DO SOMETHING SO I FEEL BETTER!"


That's really what this is about. Instead of demanding he "understand", perhaps when the crisis calms down you could approach him with a statement like, "it must be pretty hard for you dating someone with a debilitating phobia"....[he'll probably continue his rant]...but if you can "stay the course" and say, "tell me what it's like for you when I get like this"...then you'll probably start to see a different guy.


Just some thoughts.

[yenn]

Thanks guys. I don't know, I just expect him to be so much more supportive. I've been through a lot in my past and he really helped me with things then - he just all of a sudden seems to have turned into and uncaring, unfeeling person and I don't like it one bit.

[aguerra29]

My husband has been my support system the whole time we have been together. And because of that sometimes he just has had enough. He has gone off on a rant about my phobis too. Call it stupid and why can't I just throw up like everyone else. He would get so MAD when I would pick at my food in restaurants to see if it was cooked. When I decided to get help and needed him less in other areas, he became more supportive of my struggle with this phobia. He wants me to get better. As long as I am doing that then he will support me.
You need to have a long talk with your boyfriend and make him understand that you hate having this phobia just as much as he hates that you have it. It is very hard for non-emets to get it. I mean when you need to throw up, you throw up, right? Make sure he understands that you are not embracing this phobia. Come to him with logic not emotion. That is what my husband responds to best. He doesn't respond to a bunch of emotional nonsense (as he calls it). Good Luck.

[shiva]

Think about it.. How can people understand when they haven't felt the anxiety that you associate with your phobia. I really think two things. 1. Our loved ones should work on practicing sympathy, compassion and understanding. 2. We should also be understanding and realize that it is probably very frustrating to deal with us.


I think that as emets we tend to be naturally more compassionate people for some reason, so I think it's hard for us to imagine treating people who need help like our loved ones tend to sometimes treat us. But, I don't believe it's intentional. I just think that people without phobia's have no idea what it really feels like. They probably assume that the fear is just slightly uncomfortable and that we are being dramatic.

[brownee9]

Yen,


I think that your boyfriend is way off base. People have told me I am overreacting about similar situations regarding someone getting sick. Well, ofcouse it does not help when you calls you terrible names and is NOT support at all. It is really bad when you said he was more supportive when you and he were friends. You should bring that up and find out why his attitude has changed. You do not need that kind of person around you.


None of us want to suffer from emetophobia, but we do and we do try to deal with it. So if this person you are with is not understanding of your situation than maybe you need to let him loose.


Sincerely,


Michelle

[samara's on tv]

Yen,


I was lucky enough to find out that my parents support me but my sisters don't think it's that serious. Just the other night I was sitting with my sister and she started to make gagging noises...like really sick gagging noises...and I started to freak out. Then she just laughed and said she was playing around. She thinks that the phobia is stupid too. The only thing I could do was laugh with her but it felt horrible that my sister (The person I'm closest to in the world) Would make fun of me like that. I tried to explain to her the phobia but she just doesn't get it. Sometimes it's easier if you find out a phobia that they have. Like I know my sister HATES spiders and ants. So I asked her how she would feel if I took a spider and put it in her hair. She said she would KILL me if I did that. And I told her I feel the same way about her throwing up. Anyway sometimes it's easier to relate to someone if you know about their phobia's. Everyone has SOMETHING that they absolutely fear or detest. Try to compare your phobias with his. That's my advice.


~Monica