Finally coming out about it....

[Musicmix]

If you couldn't tell from the title I'm new here. Over the past 2-3 years I've realized...though I don't want to admit it...I have a problem that I've been in denial about for a long time. Maybe it would help if I started from the beginning.

I've had bad medical problems since I was born, doctors blamed it on being born premature (I was a little over a month early), so any illness you can think of - especially viruses and infections - I've probably had it at some point. At one point they even suspected cancer... I have asthma, allergies, a lactose and gluten intolerance, and irritable bowel syndrome. So naturally, I've always been afraid of getting sick. But the past three years...I'm extremely afraid of anything related to my stomach, and it's added to the anxiety and depression I already have, to a point where it's effecting me everyday.

Yesterday is a good example. My three year old brother got very sick - and lucky me, he just so happens to have CVS (cyclic v* syndrome), and all his bouts of it mimic a SV. You can imagine how I react when he has an episode right? I went into a bad panic (it was a bit worse than his previous times) and immediately did the usual: wash my hands infinite times, start to sanitize the house, get a little more OCD than normal. My mom didn't know what I was doing, the whole time she thought I was just having my normal anxiety issues, and she knows I've always hated sickness. She somehow thought I was alright, and he was getting so bad that she had me help her (I wanted to scream). I'm an okay actress so I faked being calm, but as soon as she didn't need me anymore I barricaded myself in my room and to be honest I'm in my room now - I haven't really come out since, and refused to eat dinner last night.

I realized last night when I was trying to get to sleep that I really do have a problem...and my little fear is developing into a phobia. Maybe it's good that I've come to terms with it, but I have no idea what to do now... I've been able to keep this a secret for 3 years, and the thought to having to face it down or bring it out into the open is scary itself.

I haven't told anyone, not even my mom, who I'm close to. She doesn't know, and if she suspects anything, she most likely thinks it's my usual anxiety. I haven't told her, and I'm not really sure I want to, let alone how to go about telling her if I did...

Please, if anyone could give me any advice at all. I'm almost in tears now, and I'm really lost and scared

Thanks in advance,
xxx Hannah

[Ana Bellini]

We are here for you, Hannah.

In my opinion the best thing to do is to tell your mother. She won't be able to help you unless she knows what's going on. There's actually something you can show her to help her to understand: http://emetophobiarecovery.com/emetophobia-guide/

I honestly believe that you already have a phobia - it's a phobia since it starts interfering in your life.

Don't cry, Hannah. We are here. We may not be able to help you so much because we are not therapists, but we understand you. You are not alone. After you tell your mother, you should look for a therapist. CBT is amazing in my opinion. If you feel you need more help, there are psychiatrists out there. I'm on meds and I'm not ashamed of it. They help me a lot.

Is your brother better?

You can PM me if you need a virtual shoulder to cry.

[Musicmix]

Thank you...you have no idea how much that helps. I guess I will have to tell my mom, the trick will be getting her away from my siblings.

Actually, I am on medicine, an anti-depressant for anxiety and depression and possible Asperger's. And I do see a psychiatrist, though she doesn't know either...I didn't want to admit anything at the time. I think that might be something I have to mention at my appointment tomorrow, and that may be the best time to tell my mom too.

Yes, my brother is doing much better, thank you He's back to his normal, energetic, hungry self, and he's proved he's well by giving me playful punches and hugs every time I have to step out of my room (all of which I've probably mentally flinched at)

I think I will PM you soon, it's better to face something with someone you can relate to