I just need to let some steam off and I know this annoys many of you, so I apologize first!


I am overwhelmed right now. I haven't eaten or slept in alomst 2 weeks. One of my closest friends was murdered on the 4th of July and I cannot deal with this. It's not like you ever expect to hear those words come out of anyone's mouth. I feel guilty if I stop thinking about her for a minute and I have tried not t cry. Of course, with the initial shock I cried, but I've not really cried since then. As the details have come out, they are gruesome and horrifying, and it's all I can think about. I know I should be celebrating her life, and I do about half of the day, the other half I spend thinking about how she died (they ME has not released a cause of death yet, because the initial scene was unclear). If anyone has experienced something like this, any input into how to breathe after this would be greatly appreciated. I just want to understand how to get out of this fog.


Next issue....my job. I was asked to "respectfully resign" my position last Friday (feeling like I've been hit when I am down). I said no because I am holding out for unemployment, as I know there is no way I will get a good reference from my company. I've applied with a few positions, but have heard nothing yet. I've been with this company for a while and thought I was an asset (that's all ego talking!!), but apparently not. Who knows what will happen next.


Next issue...my relationship. I've been seeing a great guy casually for a while now and he's absolutely wonderful. I usually try really hard to scare men away, but all of my usual tricks are not working. He's staying and trying to be my shoulder through all of these difficult times. So here's the problem...I'm freaked out by him being such a nice guy. I am waiting for the skeltons to come out of the closet. He keeps telling me there are none, but I find this so hard to believe. I know I should just lay back and have fun, but it's really hard. When you are been down for so long, it's hard to stand and see the beauty.


Anyway, I just wanted a rant. Thanks to all who read this!