It's all too much :(

[Emzee Howland]

Recently my life has been pretty stressful, my Grandma is in a hospice and is in her final weeks, however I got a place at my first choice university.

I am scared when I visit my Grandma even though the hospice is sanitary I am scared I am going to catch something. I wash my hands twice in two separate sinks before I leave. I love her dearly and she is not ill with stomach issues and is resilient, I feel like a selfish horrible person that when I visit her I am just worrying in my head all the time. I am ashamed all I worry about is myself and if I will be unwell.

I am scared when I go to uni I will be living with people who are unclean and will get SV* and then I will get it. When I am trapped with people who are ill my anxiety goes through the roof and I can't let it interfere with my studies. I suffer stress-induced anorexia also, so when things get bad it's a vicious circle...

I am also scared if/when I start a family (I'm only 19 so it's a way off!) I will v during pregnancy, or my child will v and I will be unable to care for/clear it up. I know if I have a child I will be a useless excuse for a mother worrying all the time about illness and will probably pass on this terrible fear to my child or be unable to be affectionate in case I catch something.

Basically I am worried about everything. Sorry if this was boring or long (if anyone even read this >_<) but I needed to vent this and write it down.

I feel overwhelming guilt that I let this rule my life, if people could read my mind they'd hate me. Times like this make me feel like a big waste of space and oxygen.
:'(

[jennjt]

No one would hate you! You're not a bad person-- you just have a phobia that get out of hand at times. It can be very overwhelming. I have noticed that mine comes in waves--- if I can just ride it out, a more manageable time always comes along. I just wanted to say that I can relate to your fear and conflicting feelings visiting your grandma in hospice. My best friend passed away from colon cancer in Jan 2012 and was in hospice for some time before she passed. It was a very frightening and painful experience, and my anxiety definitely increased. The good thing that I realize is that I am so so happy that I went anyway. I was able to spend her last days with her, and I am so grateful for that. Sure, my emet went crazy afterwards, but I was there when it counted, and that means so much to me now. AND... I never got sick from visiting her there. Keep up the hand washing, and be there for your grandma. You will never regret it. Congrats, by the way, on getting into your first choice school! That's something to celebrate! If its any reassurance at all, I lived in the dorms for my freshman year and never caught a thing there, either. Shared a bathroom with 3 other girls. In fact, I never got Noro or any other sv* at all during college. It was a wonderful experience. Wild, lol, but waaaaayyy better than high school for me . Hang in there!

[sdd]

Your phobia does not define who you are! You are not a bad person!

I am so sorry about your grandmother.

I cannot give you advice on visiting your grandmother...I haven't been in that situation. However, as far as having children, I can totally relate.

I was worried about v'ing during pregnancy. I didn't though. I've had 3 children and I haven't v'd once during pregnancy.

Also, as far as them v'ing...I am able to care for them when they are sick. In fact, I am usually THE one that cares for them when they are sick. Honestly, I rarely catch anything they are sick with. Do I still worry about it? Yes. But, I am still able to be their mother and care for them.

I never caught anything in college. And I was NOT careful at all like I am now. I had 1 roommate my first year and 3 roommates the other years (we had an apartment). Enjoy it and try not to worry!

[jmoore10]

Emzee
Please don't say negative things about yourself. You aren't a waste-you are a scared person with a phobia. Like sdd said, your phobia does not define who you are as a person. Its a small part of you, albeit a small part that has the propensity to jump up and take over sometimes, but you are much more than this stupid phobia-don't forget that!
I think you are having horrible anxiety and are overwhelmed about your Grandma. I recently went through a similar thing about a month or so ago with my Grandpa. He passed away at the end of January and when I heard I immediately freaked out. Would I get sick on the plane? I was going to be staying with my uncle-what if someone in his family had noro? There were going to be lots of people at the wake and funeral-what if someone who'd had noro gave me a hug? I think I preoccupied myself with those thoughts to take focus off losing my grandpa who had been the most important man in my life up until I married my 2nd
husband! I think that's what you are doing now and your anxiety is going haywire and spiraling out of control with all this extraneous stuff. In some ways, I think our emet is a weird type of coping mechanism if that makes any sense.
Don't worry about kids, morning sickness, and all that stuff. Deal with that when you have to-all in good time, my dear
Take care!

[lealmeida]

I can definitely relate to this so very much. My uncle is in the hospital after having open heart surgery. All I think about while I visit him is getting sick and making sure I don't touch anything.... I feel so rotten about it.

And as far as college goes, I'm in my second semester of freshmen year at a great school two hours away from home! For me, my roommate is very clean, washes her hands every time she enters our room/eats anything. Even after she washes her hands I catch her using sanitizer. Haha, I have all the same fears though. What happens if I get sick and nobody will take care of me? What do I do if I can't stop being sick?

My friends promised me that if I'm ever ill they will be by my side.
And eventually, I will stop being sick. College is about learning to be on your own. You will make great friends who will help and support you with the struggles of your phobia. Buy some antiemetics before you go, just to have at hand, and have fun. It's a very important time to figure yourself out and become who you want to be.

My uncle actually told me two days ago when I visited him in the hospital, that life is not about worrying. He said he spent his whole life being afraid and anxious about bad things happening, and he said that if he had died during surgery the worrying would have been for absolutely nothing. Definitely puts things in perspective. I'm not saying it cured my emet by any means... But it made me look at actually becoming ill in a new way. I've spent all this time worrying, but if I woke up tomorrow and got hit by a car, then I spent my life in fear of basically nothing.

You'll do great in school, girl. Keep your head up and try to be positive. I know it's hard but definitely pays off more in the end.

[Emzee Howland]

Thanks for your messages guys it really brightened me up!

Found out today I have a shared bedroom and bathroom with 1 other girl, but sometimes they get moved around and shared rooms get split so I hope that happens. I worry about cleanliness >_< although she might be worrying like I am.

I realised something funny today, I am a beauty therapist constantly massaging people and doing manicures etc... but the thought of me getting ill from a client never crossed my mind before! I've never been afraid of that, how strange.

Does anyone know of any anti emetics? I live in the UK and I don't know if medicines have different names here, like what drug am I looking for?

[Simm]

Hi Emzee,

Get your hands on some Motillium, they sell it at Boots. That stuff has saved me a fair few times now! At the same store they also do anti-viral hand foam (benzalkonium chloride), it apparently kills noro too

[Emzee Howland]

Simm, thank you! Life saver

I actually work at a Boots but not up on the pharmacy but so I wasn't sure.
Thanks again everyone!