So, I am now three sessions away from completing my CBT treatment for emetophobia. Let's review.
One year ago, I sat on the sofa, trembling after an unexpected vomit scene in a film we were watching. I almost cried, and I had two sleepless nights as I was too anxious to lie down in case I was sick. Six months ago, my late Father was lying in intensive care on life support and I stood outside the main doors sobbing, too scared to go in and be by his side because the woman in the bed opposite was vomiting.
Today, 1st May 2013, I sit writing this mere minutes after watching a 16-minute video entitled 'ultimate vomiting compilation' - your typical loud, brash lads doing all sorts of silly challenges. My hands are steady, my stomach is calm and I'm smiling.
I appreciate that I still may have a way to go when it comes to myself being sick. But there are two things I have managed to start breaking down.
1) I am not as scared of the act itself as I am of the uncertainty and unpleasantness of prolonged nausea - the 'will it happen' is more of an issue than it actually happening.
2) One of my core beliefs and fears about the act itself has finally been broken down. Once upon a time, I thought that once the act of being sick started, it was constant, for several minutes at the very least. I had horrible images in my mind of being constantly throwing up for 30mins upwards. As I've gone through my exposure, I've not seen a single person throw up for longer than 40 SECONDS (and that's in small waves). I was amazed when I realised it was normal. THAT was normal, not the horrific and drawn out event I'd built in my head.
I still don't know the root of my phobia, but I'm starting to realise that's not a problem. The uncertainty of it was my problem all along. I'm the same in other aspects of my life. For example, if someone I care about says to me 'I need to talk to you later', I instantly flip to panic mode and the uncertainty of what they might say picks at me for hours.
I can say with 90% certainty that I have almost completely stopped catastrophising the event itself in my head. I'm also getting a lot better at telling when I have anxiety nausea, and can usually accept it, let it wash over me and move on. There are still hiccups, sure. IBS flare ups are still a bit of panic point - particularly when they happen at night.
I don't want to harp on and make this an essay, but I do want to encourage people to at least talk to your doctor/therapist about GRADUAL exposure. I'm talking very gradual here - for the first two weeks I was only allowed to work on saying 'vomit' aloud. I was massively sceptical back then, I thought it was going to ultimately be a waste of time and something I would just have to live with. I know there's still work to be done. Hell, I know I still have a fair few panicky nights ahead of me, where it'll be a battle to steer myself away from my 'safety' behaviours.
It's been hard work, and at times I've felt like throwing in the towel and admitting defeat. But hey, I'm glad I went through all the tears, tantrums and protests. Emetophobia, I haven't beaten you yet, but I can say with total confidence that I WILL beat you.